Trust Test

From Will McPhail

Knock knock

Who's there?

Europe

Europe who

I'm not a poo

Entertainment For Cats

From OffTheMark

Where do Russian birds sleep?

In a commu-nest.

Laser Eye Surgery

From OffTheMark

I said to my doctor "I've got a problem with one of my ears".

He said "Are you sure?"

I said "Yes, I'm definite".

Top 10 Dog/Cat Pop Songs

From Scott Metzger

From Scott Metzger

Courage

From Bliss

Ladies, if a guy:

- remembers your birthday

- knows what you enjoy

- saves your pictures

- harvests your data

- keeps your passwords in plain text;

this guy is not your man.

This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

Cat Dentistry School

From Rhymes With Orange

I'm not saying people in my area have bad teeth but . . .

. . . one woman just smiled in Tesco and the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans.

Brief Outing

From OffTheMark

I got upset when I couldn't find any scissors to cut a coupon out of a newspaper.

I was reduced to tears!

Catty Christmas

From OffTheMark

I was given an invisibility suit for Christmas.

I can't see myself wearing it though.

Cats Putting Up The Christmas Tree

From Break of Day

Santa played a round of golf this morning to help him relax before his big day and he hit a birdie.

It was a partridge on a par 3.

Pet Pranks

From Bliss

I managed to get all my Christmas shopping done this morning.

I hope that everyone likes Halloween costumes.

How To Change The Bed

From Lucas Turn Bloom

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I shall make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.

I will make you beg me to stop.

When I am finished you will be weak for days.

Sincerely, the flu.

He Could Have Ordered String

From OffTheMark

I ordered a mail-order bride.

Unfortunately, I was out when she was delivered.

So, now she's married to my neighbour.

Performance Anxiety

From Bliss

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Sí."

"Ja."

Schrödinger's Dog

From Tom Gauld

There's one kind of people in this world.

Those who know about Schrödinger, and those who don't.

Gift

From Strange Brew

I told the wife that I was planning on opening a theatre.

She looked astonished and said, "Are you having me on?"

I said, "Well, you can audition, but I'm not promising anything."

Detective Cat

From StrangeTrek

Not all heroes wear capes.

Spiderman for example; Spiderman does not wear a cape.

Cat Party

From OffTheMark

My biggest talent is that, I can always tell what's in a wrapped box.

It's a gift.

Cat Funeral

From Half-Full

My girlfriend's cat died so I bought her another one just like it.

She was furious.

"What am I going to do with two dead cats?"

Office Cat

From Scribbly G

My boss collared me at work this morning.

He said, "One of your team has complained about you. She says you never listen to her and you treat her like a sex object."

I replied, "I bet that I know who that was."

"Go on then" he challenged, "Who?"

I said, "I don't know her name, but it's the one with the short skirt and the big tits!"

Cat Funeral

From JimBenton

Billy tells his nursery teacher he found a dead cat.

"How did you know it was dead?" asks his teacher.

"Because I pissed in its ear & it didn't move" says Billy.

"You did what!?" screams the teacher.

"You know" explains Billy, "I leant over and went Pssst & it didn't move."