What I Did In The Summer Holidays

From OffTheMark

Why can keyboards never sleep?

Because they have two shifts.

Home Alone

From GoodBearComics

Him: I saw you walking your dogs yesterday.

Her: They’re not my dogs, they’re my sister’s.

Him: Your sisters sure are ugly.

Now They Just Need To Be Wired In

From Kendra Allenby

I've finally saved up enough for solar panels.

What's holding me back is that I can't afford a house.

Snowball Gets Even

From OffTheMark

Pets only like us because they have Stockholm Syndrome.

Burglar

From Jonesy

Who did the dinosaur call when he was being robbed?

The triceracops.

Purr Pressure

From OffTheMark

I don't believe in peer pressure.

Unless my friends do.

Staying Power

At the rate he’s going, King Charles could surpass his mother's record of 15 prime ministers before the end of 2026!

While The Cat's Away

From Strange Brew

I Like To Count Backwards On Wednesdays

 

I like to count backwards on Wednesdays,

It's something that I’ve always done,

I start at a thousand and twenty,

and stop at a hundred and one.

 

I like to count backwards on Wednesdays,

As a hobby it makes me unique,

It's something that gives me an interest in life

And I find it helps break up the week.

 

When I first began counting backwards,

My troubles and woes disappeared,

A friend of mine says he counts sideways,

But he's always been a bit weird.

 

I like to count backwards on Wednesdays,

It's good for both spirit and mind,

Someone asked if I’d do it on Thursdays,

Suffice it to say I declined.

 

I like to count backwards on Wednesdays,

And I hope you now understand why,

If you don't I can't help any further.

I've another appointment - goodbye.

 

John Dredge

Sharing

From Jonesy

I've cut down on my drinking, and now only have one vodka before going to bed.

Last night I went to bed eight times.

Another Broken Vase

From War and Peas

They told me I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic but so far I’ve made 2 jugs and a vase!

Understand Your Cat's Behaviour

From Scott Metzger

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines.

Cats can.

Cat Burglar

From OffTheMark

I never thought that I'd be the sort of person who'd wake up early in the morning to exercise.

I was right.

Robocat

From Rhymes With Orange

Him: "We should go out for a coffee sometime."

Her: "How about 10 tomorrow?"

Him: "No, that's too many, I'd never get to sleep afterwards."

Pets Playing Games

From OffTheMark

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of dogs and cats.

This phenomenon is known as the many paws.

The Great Thing About Cats

From Bizarro

I've got a lighter with a pink flame at home.

I use it to light camp fires.

The Nurturing Knight

From smbc

My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river.

I did it but it broke my heart.

I quite liked her dad.

Safe Place

From OffTheMark

They threw me out of the cinema yesterday for taking in my own food.

But come on, the prices in the cinema foyer are far too high.

Plus, I hadn't had a barbeque in for ages.

Pupkin

From Bliss

A piece of pumpkin pie costs $2.00 in Jamaica and $2.45 in Barbados.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Welcome Home

From Little Porpoise

I saw yet another lost dog roaming the street the other day.

I thought, "If only I had a pound for every one of those I've seen".

Cat Lady

From Jonesy

As a young child my mother told me that I could be anyone I wanted to be.

It turns out, this is called identity theft.