11 Delaneys

A palindromedary camel has the same number of humps going backwards or forwards.

More Americans are killed in shootings than by fire and that's because if you shout "fire" in America someone will shoot you.

 

I love looking at things through a magnifying glass to see what they're made of, for example not many people know this but ants are actually made of fire.  

 

I got bit by a donkey once.

It was on holiday in Spain.

Who even knew donkeys had holidays?

 

Password tip for married men.

Use something you did wrong as that way your wife will never let you forget it.

 

My robot friend always wondered why his family ran on DC current but he ran on AC, until one day he found out he was adapted.

 

My Grandad was a famous spy in World War Two, which is how he got caught.

 

I saw a sign in Specsavers saying children should not be left without supervision. If they had that they wouldn't be in Specsavers.

 

One time I burped in front of the Queen which is a crime but it's OK as she gave me a pardon.

 

I'm not saying I'm accident prone but I just got a paper cut from a risk assessment form.

 

My first wife left me because of my obsession with clickbait and you won't believe what happened next.

Start The Month With Some Delaneys

I recently took my naval exams. I got seven Cs.

 

To a pearl the world is their oyster.

 

The tensest crowd I've ever seen was at the funeral of the man who invented the Jack-in-the-box.

 

One time I took a sleeper train, but it got activated and I woke up in Moscow.

 

One time I was lucky enough to see Fats Domino in concert, unfortunately he fell over, and then the rest of his band fell over too.

 

I recently took my apiary exams. I got a B.

 

I can't believe today is national premature ejaculation day already. It comes quicker every year.

 

Needless speech marks are bad enough, but unnecessary apostrophes are grocer.

 

I just tried to use the Turing Test website but I couldn't get past the I'm Not a Robot screen.

 

I'm not saying I was a geeky at school, but I once turned a picture of a topless woman upside down to see if it said 58008.

 

Statisticians seem nice at first but in the end they always revert to mean. 

 

I went for a job with EasyJet. They said where do you see yourself in 5 years time? I said 50 miles away from where I claimed I was going, and they gave me the job.

 

Boxing gloves don't have fingers so they should really be called boxing mittens.

 

They say every cigarette takes 11 minutes off your life, and it's true. When I started smoking I was 84.

An Octet Of Delaney

The more I learn about Russian dolls, the more I find there is to learn about Russian dolls.

 

Plastic surgeons can now give you a second penis, I'm tempted but worried it might make me a bit too cocky.

 

50 percent of people who go to watch The Cure actually end up watching Placebo, and enjoy it just as much.

 

There's two typos of people, those who make spelling mistakes and those who don't.

 

My Uncle's a lion tamer, when the bank foreclosed they took nearly everything, but at least he's still got his pride.

 

My Nan's got a dripping tap in her kitchen, which goes to show how much she loves dripping.

 

I've just been to the mobile library and borrowed a Nokia for three weeks.

 

I used to try to make eye contact with people on the tube, but one thing I soon learned about Londoners is they hate you touching their eyes.

Mouse House

From Will McPhail

Petrol pumps are so much faster than they used to be.

It used to take me two minutes to reach fifty quid but now I can do it in 30 seconds.

Well done garages!

 -  Gary Delaney

A Dozen Delaneys

It's called 'Getting your guns out' because you have the right to bare arms.

 

Metamorphosis isn't the only book about a man who wakes one day to discover he's suddenly a beetle. There's also Ringo Starr's autobiography.

 

My girlfriend says I'm paranoid. Well she doesn't say it, but she thinks it.

 

I've got a solution to the growing problem of obesity in schoolchildren - bring back bullying. Some people think that's a bit harsh, and they could be right, you shouldn't have a go at the fat kids, they've got enough on their plates already.

 

I've got one of those anti-bullying wrist bands. Didn't buy it; nicked it off a wimpy kid.

 

Somebody told me I was the second least inquisitive person they'd ever met and I said 'That's good'.

 

I thought I saw Idris Elba in town earlier, but it turned out it was just Idris Arse.

 

Ampersand should really be written ampers&.

 

Why do you never hear Michelle Pfeiffer in the toilet? Because she has a silent P.

 

My jacket has patches on the elbows as it used to be a smoking jacket.

Another Helping Of Gary Delaney

I think my motto would be 'Je ne regrette rien, although I don't know what that means as I mucked about in French lessons, and I wish I hadn't now.

 

My 13 year old nephew's already started taking heroin. It's amazing isn't it? They shoot up so fast these days.

 

One time I almost had a threesome with my girlfriend and my best friend. The only thing that stopped it happening was that they didn't invite me.

 

We called our fourth child Ivy, because we ran out of names and started using roman numerals.

 

I've just seen an actor tread on a centipede. I bet he's going to have a great show.

 

Just sat my A levels again naked. Living the dream!

 

"I rang you but I couldn't get through"

"What number did you call me on?"

"X, IV, X, C, I, III, L, M, X, VII"

"Sorry, that's an old number"

 

My Mum doesn't trust my Dad's secretary. I asked her why, and she just said 'I've seen her type before'

 

My girlfriend's a cat person. She's got fishy breath, shits in a tray and disappears for days at a time.

 

I've just bought Spider-Man pyjamas. I hope he likes them.

 

I asked my vet, "What can I do? I think my dog's racist. He keeps barking at the Asian man nest door.", The vet said, "muzzle him". I replied, "I don't know, but he's got a beard".

 

One night I wished a diabetic friend sweet dreams and they ended up in a coma.

 

When my girlfriend suggested we play 'Doctors and Nurses' I was hoping for something sexier than just being left in a corridor for two days.

 

People have told me that a salt and pepper beard looks good on me, but I'm not very good at accepting condiments.

 

The word Legend has been devalued from pulling a sword from a stone to prove you're the rightful king, to unexpectedly returning with crisps

 

I met a man who reminded me of my Dad: he came up to me and said 'Don't forget your Dad'.

 

When I rang up Gamblers Anonymous for help with my fruit machine addiction they asked if I wanted to hold.

A Further Course Of Gary Delaney

I was never a fan of being an organ donor, but then I had a change of heart.

 

The hardest part of a traditional Greek divorce is gluing all the plates back together.

 

When I heard the ferry carrying the transplant organs had capsized my heart sank.

 

Dolphins who die without any money are given a porpoise funeral.

 

My house is haunted by the ghost of Britain's first ever dental hygienist.  English Heritage keep putting up plaques in her honour, and then every six months she removes them.

 

My cousin always introduces himself as Stephen with a ph; and that's because he's slightly acidic.

 

If you think kale and Açai berries are superfoods then you're going to lose your shit when you try ice cream.

 

Sure everyone cares about straws killing dolphins now, but they've been breaking camels' backs for years.

 

My older brother once threatened to fart on my head, but I didn't expect him to follow through.

 

I've a friend whose surname is Death, although technically it's pronounced Deàth, as it has a grave accent.

 

Opening up Google and forgetting what you wanted to look up is the new walking into a room and forgetting what you went in for.

 

A man has been found guilty of overusing commas, the judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.

 

I think Tom Cruise could have made a lot more films if he wasn't constantly getting caricatures of his face done in Leicester Square.

 

First, they came for the mimes, and I said nothing because I was a mime.

 

When they buried the man who invented Tetris the whole cemetery disappeared.

 

One time I persuaded my kid brother to swallow a torch. It was worth it just to see his little face light up.

 

According to the vet my cat's in heat. I didn't even know she was famous.

 

I'm not saying I'm unlucky but when I went to DFS to buy a sofa, the sale had finished.

 

There was an old man,

from Limerick who wanted,

to be a haiku.

New Business Models

 

From Rhymes With Orange

Garden centres can't reopen fast enough for me, I've been living on borrowed thyme. - Gary Delaney

A Helping Of Gary Delaney

The other day I was telling my therapist about how I always seem to misjudge situations, and he said to me "Are you going to buy that couch or not?"

I saw someone jump off a tall building today, and it all happened so fast, I barely had time to get my phone out.

I remember sitting in psychology class learning about Pavlov, thinking "Those stupid dogs!" Then the bell went and we all had lunch.

One time an old Gypsy woman asked if I wanted my fortune read and I said 'No, because you shouldn't have to ask me that question'.

The other day a woman described me as a bit of a looker. Well, voyeur is the actual word she used.

This morning I made a Belgian waffle. This afternoon I made a Frenchman talk gibberish.

I've got the memory of an elephant. I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

I was in a fancy lingerie shop; I said, "are these knickers satin?"!  He said, "No, they're new".

It's been a tough week. I got myself a memory foam mattress and now it's trying to blackmail me.

I always worry that when a woman sees me naked for the first time she's going to scream and run out of the park.

I spent this morning swanning around the town centre, I hissed at people and broke a man's arm.

Whenever I see a respected actor in panto I always like to shout 'It's beneath you!'

My girlfriend says I'm too suspicious. Well she doesn't say it, but she thinks it.

One time I was in the cinema buying a ticket for Final Destination when I had a premonition it was going to be rubbish. So, I bought a ticket to see another film instead, but then the projectionist accidentally loaded the wrong film, so I ended up watching Final Destination anyway.

It's ironic that to claim disability benefit you have to jump through a lot of hoops.

Duck billed platypus, platypus paid duck.

One time there was a fire at a voodoo doll factory and 10,000 people died.

A friend of ours loved dancing but was always too broke to come out with us, so one night we all clubbed together, and left him at home.

Some More Gary Delaney Jokes

I hired a landscape gardener but he said that he couldn't help me because my garden is portrait.

I've just been cast as Oliver Twist, who could ask for more?

Do people who study sports science at university have to do sums on Wednesday afternoons?

I did terribly in the reverse parking on my driving test, but luckily I passed anyway and I haven't looked back since.

Barristers' wigs should really be called Judge Dreads.

I was in a sex shop and saw a dildo that was described as nine inches long and realistic; I asked, "Well which one is it then?"

'Hanging's too good for them' - My mum's extreme views on T-shirts.

A horse goes into a pub. The barman says why the long face? The horse says 'Because this is a Wetherspoons'.

I don't like to eat anything made out of reformed pork, because I think it's cruel to slaughter pigs just after they've got their lives back on track.

School is for loosers.

You say I only eat toast, but I say I get three square meals a day.

Apparently the winner of this year's London Marathon has been running since he was 5 years old, I reckon even I could finish it faster than that.

My granddad went down in history – and on one occasion fingered a girl in geography.

I recently entered a competition to see who's gained the most weight and lost the most hair, obviously it wasn't called that, it was advertised as a 'School Reunion'.

I dented my car recently so I took it down the body shop for repairs, and now it looks lovely but smells of white musk.

Acronyms should just be called A's.

I put on lots of weight so I called weight watchers and told them that it's an emergency, can you send someone round. They say – yes we can, we've got loads of them.

The more I read about confirmation bias, the more I think it might be true.

You're not supposed go swimming less than an hour after eating, and that's why I've never been swimming.

My Doctor said I should get my stomach stapled. I was so flattered that he still thinks I've got it in me to be a Playboy Centrefold.

I'm doing a half marathon! The half I'm doing is the carb loading.

My girlfiend's a cat person.

She's got fishy breath, shits in a tray and disappears for days at a time.

And Serena Williams remains unseeded for another year. I can't help thinking that a bit of lipstick and a push up bra . . .

I'm beached body ready.

I used to leave so many lights on at work that I was named Employee of the Moth.

In the 80s we didn't have noise cancelling headphones, so instead we just used to play blank tapes really loud.

I was watching tv and the announcer said that there was a documentary about the g-spot on the red button – but I couldn't find it.

Yet More Gary Delaney Jokes

Apparently there are fog patches on the M6. I can only presume it is trying to give up fog.

I was thrown out of my cloning exam for copying the kid next to me.

If you do what you love you'll never work a day in your life, especially if what you love is heroin.

Roses are loud,

Violets are sweet,

I've got synaesthesia,

Also I'm not very good at rhymes.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a person? - SAD Research Centre.

Cleopatra's Needle. Good point, well made.

I can only imagine the confusion when Slash has to give someone his website address.

The other day I was comparing pictures of a young and old Michael Jackson and I was struck by lightening.

I was struck by lightning the other day. I was walking down the road and I thought 'Lightning really is remarkable'.

People have said I'm unimaginative, but I say to them, no you're unimaginative.

Matchmaking is hard. I texted my dyslexic friend asking if she fancied Alan and she got all upset for some reason.

When it comes to understanding similes I'm like a fish out of Marillion.

This diet was hard at first but now I'm really starting to find my feet.

Glaswegian pet shop: 'I'm looking for something pretty that flies' 'Parakeets?' 'Well I'm not sure it's windy enough, but I'll take one'.

Santa gave her what she wished for, a donor heart and a perfect match! She rang her twin sister to share the news. No answer.

I tried to read a book on how to be a more imaginative lover but I couldn't get past the opening passage.

Disappointed in the giant advent calendar at the end of my road. None of the 25 doors contain chocolate at all, just scared looking families.

A vase is really just a hospice for flowers.

To be honest I didn't really understand 'The Emperor's New Clothes' but everyone else did, so I said I did too.

I've got a Welsh friend who says he always trusts his gaydar, and also his mom who's heterosexual.

Even More Gary Delaney Quotes

I took some lovely pictures at the art gallery today, so if anybody wants to buy a slightly dented Picasso...

 

I've just wiped my bottom, luckily it was backed up earlier.

 

I told my girlfriend we're not going to an eighties fancy dress party, but she remains adamant.

 

When I was mysteriously rejected for a job as a courier I took it very badly.

 

You can tell when you get to Spaghetti Junction because there's a great big fork in the road.

 

Hosted a pub quiz to raise money for research into undiagnosed heart problems. Everything was going really well 'til the sudden death round.

 

There are two types of people, people who get the job done and

 

This new rowing machine really works! We're already bickering  over how much it cost and how long until it gets shoved in the loft.

 

Yodel - Piercing high-pitched wail, usually emitted by someone who's waited in all day for a delivery that didn't arrive.

 

I once went on  an 18-30 holiday but 12 years was just too long.

 

Just watched Edward Scissorhands, I thought it was better than Edward Paperhands but not as good as Edward Stonehands.

 

I tried a bit of nude painting today, it went really well, and now everyone says my front door looks lovely.

 

I've just asked the man from Del Monte who his favourite prog rock band is.

 

Words can't express how good I think my creative writing tutor is.

Further Gary Delaney Jokes

My new boss told me he expects me to be on call 24/7 but I don't really mind as July 24th is ages away.

 

My nose was all clogged up this morning, so I gave it a really good blow and two wooden shoes popped out.

 

Grandad died when he was 62 turnips and 3 lollipops old. It's no age really is it?

 

I like induction as much as the next man.

 

I bumped into the man who invented selfies the other day, his face was a picture.

 

I lost my favourite biro, turned out it had climbed out the window, on the roof & jumped to another building. Last time I buy a Parkour pen.

 

Disappointed to find this so called 'English breakfast tea' doesn't have any sausage or bacon in it.

 

Delighted to hear my clever Scouse cousin's exam results today. He got 3A's and a 'Calm down, calm down'.

 

The hardest thing for medieval knights about wearing chainmail was they had to persuade 8 more knights to wear chainmail, and they had to...

 

The plural of 'irregular plural' is 'irregular plurals', which seems like a wasted opportunity.

 

One time my auntie Pat got together with a bloke called Pat, and they mutually annihilated each other.

 

There's less pedant's than their used to be.

 

Just seen a zebra trying to use a self-service till. That's not going to end well.

 

Statisticians can pretend to be nice in the short term but in the long run they always revert to mean.

 

Me: I now declare this bomb disposal school open *cuts red ribbon with giant scissors* Instructor: No, I said blue ribbon, BLUE!!' KABOOM!!

 

Once upon a time my girlfriend used to give me 'sex cheques' but of course nowadays it's all contactless.

 

A good ventriloquist's work speaks for itself.

 

'I would walk 500 miles, having checked with my doctor first and made sure I was wearing appropriate footwear' - The Disclaimers.

 

If you write '58008' on an iPad and turn it upside down, it says '58008'. And they call that progress.

 

A cure for premature ejaculation just can't come soon enough.

 

An estate agent showed me a lovely little semi this afternoon, that's the last time I go into a show home toilet without knocking.

 

Just seen a woman expressing milk, now that's what I call interpretive dance.

 

 

More Gary Delaney Jokes

Jokes about colour blindness make me see red (or possibly green).

If I was Bill Gates' Doctor and he came to me with a health problem I'd just say 'Something has gone wrong' and leave it at that.

Just reading Gardener's World magazine. I'm particularly enjoying the lettuce page.

The boiler broke last night and we had to get a man out. How he got in there in the first place I'll never know.

I have no beef with vegetarians.

What do you call a group of collective nouns?

The surgeon just carried out a lobotomy against my wishes; I've half a mind to complain.

I'm pleased to see that first issue of 'Constipation Monthly' magazine comes with a free ring binder.

I once saw the face of Jesus in some soup, but luckily I woke him up before he drowned.

To be honest I'm not enjoying reading Moby Dick, but I'm determined to finish it even if it kills me.

Just eaten a boil-in-the-bag meal, and I have to say, you could really taste the boils.

Of course, to successfully claim disability benefit these days you have to jump through a lot of hoops.

If a man watches too much por*og*rapy it eventually changes his whole attitude towards sl*gs.

Gary Delaney Jokes

In Scotland the forbidden fruit is fruit.

Cockneys watching Jaws must think 'I don't get it, why does Roy Scheider need a bigger face?'

Warning: If it's your birthday on February 14th then the postman probably thinks you're a slag.

My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp, I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again.

Sad news, apparently the Michelin Man has retyred.

The hardest part of running competitively in Wales must be keeping up with the Joneses.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.  She was livid.  “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

Apparently in Norfolk the marriage guidance service is called Related.

Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.

Last time I was here a girl asked me for sex.  I had to disappoint her.  We had sex.

I’m trying to learn how to be a more sensitive lover.  I got a DVD called How To Improve Your Foreplay Technique.  It was really good.  I had to fast forward though the boring bit at the beginning obviously.  I mean, I don’t know why they bothered with that.

Last night I had to get towed home.  Ratty and Moley were too pissed to drive.

Uri Geller; surprisingly hard to stab.

I went on a positive thinking course.  It was shit.

The president of France said that the English are arrogant with their refusal to learn foreign languages.  At least, I think that’s what he said.  It all just sounded like haw-he-haw-he-haw-he-haw.

I watched the directors’ cut of a porn film.  At the end he actually fixes the washing machine.

Old lady names are back in fashion again.  Names like Lily or Elsie or Rose.  We wanted something like that for our daughter, but we couldn’t decide; so in the end we just called her Nan.  I reckon she’ll grow into it.

I stopped in a lay-by and there was a sign said No Dumping.  That was alright as I was just having a piss . . . so it didn’t affect me.

I went to WHSmith and I got a book of 1000 raffle tickets for £2.50; which is a bargain as normally they’re a pound a strip. . . I didn’t win.

I bought a chocolate bar and the inside of the wrapper said You’re A Loser.  I wouldn’t have minded if there had been some sort of competition on.  To make things worse, it was a Boost.

Nan would always send us texts saying please come round, my arthritis is getting worse; but then they stopped.  So presumably it got better.

This morning I went to a meeting of my premature ejaculators’ support group.  But it turns out that it’s tomorrow.

A friend of mine keeps going on and on and on about how great his orthopaedic shoe is . . . but I think he’s built it up too much.

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.  Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

They've got a special on down Tesco. He's working the trolleys.

I've just been to Dignitas and now my life is complete.

Last night I went joy-riding for the first time. I can only hope she enjoyed it as much as I did.

Bad news, there's been a flood at the silica gel factory.  No wait, hang on it's fine.

Nowadays when people die of consumption it's more like to mean diabetes than TB.

If I ever find the guy who messed up my limb transplants, I'm going to kill him with my bear hands.

Correlation does not imply causality, but the more I say things like that the fewer people want to talk to me.

I certainly broke a few hearts when I was a young man. (I ran a chip shop).

A German, a Greek, a Portuguese and an Irishman go into a bar. The German pays.

Just seen the grave of the woman from My Fair Lady, it says 'Here lies a Doolittle'.

If Bing Crosby was great, imagine how good Google Crosby would have been.