Inside Moles

From Loose Parts

I'm tired of people complaining about £6 beers, £8 parking and £10 cover charge.

If you don't like the prices, stop coming to my house.

Beer

For the third time this week I'm buying booze for the next two weeks.

COVID-19

I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"

She replied to me, "Ammonia Cleaner"

I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here."

With the football season suspension due to the corona virus, I've decided to talk to my wife.

She has told me she has been made redundant . . . from Woolworths.

Latest purchase limits placed on shops, in light of the Coronavirus due to panic buying;

ASDA: 2 hand sanitisers and a 4 pack of toilet rolls.

TESCO: 1 hand sanitiser, 500g of rice and 4 pack of toilet rolls.

WAITROSE: 1 lobster, 6 quails' eggs and 100g of Foie Gras.

ALDI: 1 MIG welder, 1 pink sports bra, 2 trumpets and a wetsuit.

Because of panic buying I've run out of toilet paper, so I'm now using lettuce leaves.... I've a feeling today is just gonna be the tip of the iceberg.

I keep singing "Come Fly With Me", "Moon River and "New York, New York".

I've got Croonervirus.

Last night I thought I had a case of Corona, but there were only 5 bottles left in the box.

When you start to work from home but miss the daily commute:

Midhusband

From Speedbump

20 Pints Of Guinness In 30 Minutes

I found myself in a pub in Cork in the south of Ireland. A group of American tourists came in.

One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving.
No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"
"Sure", said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000."
"Grand", replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare. "OK Yank, pay up", said the Irishman.
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money", said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?"
"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it".

Beer

From xkcd

The Cost Of Beer

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man:
Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man:
$5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari then?

 

The Cost Of Beer

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man:
Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man:
$5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari then?

The Beer Monster - A True Aussie

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "VIC BITTER" cheap at the local bottle shop.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home."
En route I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous Sheila in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got ?"