Caught In The Lights

From Bizarro

I saw an Irish dancing show today called 'Streamdance'.

It's not quite as good as 'Riverdance', but then it is only a tributary act.

Dancing Balloon Men In Training

From The Bent Pinky

I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers because I can always count on them.

A Helping Of Gary Delaney

The other day I was telling my therapist about how I always seem to misjudge situations, and he said to me "Are you going to buy that couch or not?"

I saw someone jump off a tall building today, and it all happened so fast, I barely had time to get my phone out.

I remember sitting in psychology class learning about Pavlov, thinking "Those stupid dogs!" Then the bell went and we all had lunch.

One time an old Gypsy woman asked if I wanted my fortune read and I said 'No, because you shouldn't have to ask me that question'.

The other day a woman described me as a bit of a looker. Well, voyeur is the actual word she used.

This morning I made a Belgian waffle. This afternoon I made a Frenchman talk gibberish.

I've got the memory of an elephant. I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

I was in a fancy lingerie shop; I said, "are these knickers satin?"!  He said, "No, they're new".

It's been a tough week. I got myself a memory foam mattress and now it's trying to blackmail me.

I always worry that when a woman sees me naked for the first time she's going to scream and run out of the park.

I spent this morning swanning around the town centre, I hissed at people and broke a man's arm.

Whenever I see a respected actor in panto I always like to shout 'It's beneath you!'

My girlfriend says I'm too suspicious. Well she doesn't say it, but she thinks it.

One time I was in the cinema buying a ticket for Final Destination when I had a premonition it was going to be rubbish. So, I bought a ticket to see another film instead, but then the projectionist accidentally loaded the wrong film, so I ended up watching Final Destination anyway.

It's ironic that to claim disability benefit you have to jump through a lot of hoops.

Duck billed platypus, platypus paid duck.

One time there was a fire at a voodoo doll factory and 10,000 people died.

A friend of ours loved dancing but was always too broke to come out with us, so one night we all clubbed together, and left him at home.

Further Gary Delaney Jokes

My new boss told me he expects me to be on call 24/7 but I don't really mind as July 24th is ages away.

 

My nose was all clogged up this morning, so I gave it a really good blow and two wooden shoes popped out.

 

Grandad died when he was 62 turnips and 3 lollipops old. It's no age really is it?

 

I like induction as much as the next man.

 

I bumped into the man who invented selfies the other day, his face was a picture.

 

I lost my favourite biro, turned out it had climbed out the window, on the roof & jumped to another building. Last time I buy a Parkour pen.

 

Disappointed to find this so called 'English breakfast tea' doesn't have any sausage or bacon in it.

 

Delighted to hear my clever Scouse cousin's exam results today. He got 3A's and a 'Calm down, calm down'.

 

The hardest thing for medieval knights about wearing chainmail was they had to persuade 8 more knights to wear chainmail, and they had to...

 

The plural of 'irregular plural' is 'irregular plurals', which seems like a wasted opportunity.

 

One time my auntie Pat got together with a bloke called Pat, and they mutually annihilated each other.

 

There's less pedant's than their used to be.

 

Just seen a zebra trying to use a self-service till. That's not going to end well.

 

Statisticians can pretend to be nice in the short term but in the long run they always revert to mean.

 

Me: I now declare this bomb disposal school open *cuts red ribbon with giant scissors* Instructor: No, I said blue ribbon, BLUE!!' KABOOM!!

 

Once upon a time my girlfriend used to give me 'sex cheques' but of course nowadays it's all contactless.

 

A good ventriloquist's work speaks for itself.

 

'I would walk 500 miles, having checked with my doctor first and made sure I was wearing appropriate footwear' - The Disclaimers.

 

If you write '58008' on an iPad and turn it upside down, it says '58008'. And they call that progress.

 

A cure for premature ejaculation just can't come soon enough.

 

An estate agent showed me a lovely little semi this afternoon, that's the last time I go into a show home toilet without knocking.

 

Just seen a woman expressing milk, now that's what I call interpretive dance.

 

 

New Dance Craze

Mathematical Dance Moves