Never Satisfied

From Bliss

My sex change operation from male to female went really well.

It was so successful, I'm still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

Dangerous Game Hunter

From The Argyle Sweater

I bought a second-hand guitar from Adam Ant.

He quoted he fifty quid, but said for an extra tenner he’d throw in a stand and deliver.

The Cycle

From Remi Lascault

Why did the baker have brown hands?

He needed a poo.

Menu Choice

From Andertoons

From Andertoons

From Andertoons

From Rubes

I’ve just been to a restaurant where they served roast pelican . . .

. . . it was very tasty, but the bill was enormous!

Headless Love

From The Argyle Sweater

From Mark Lynch

Why was the dieting Roman so thrilled?

His toga size went from L to XL.

Loving Spiders

From Break of Day

For Valentine's Day my wife said she wanted to be wooed so I booked us two tickets on a ghost train.

Favourite

From Andertoons

Daughter: Can I keep the night light on?

Dad: And provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? Use your head sweetie.

Mix Up

From Joseph Nowak

Her: I'll have the salad, no nuts, please?

Waiter: Of course,

Me: It didn't say it had nuts.

Her: I'm allergic, so I tell them to be safe.

Me: That makes sense.

Waiter: And for you sir?

Me: Steak, no bees, please?

Shedding Spots

From Speedbump

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you're alive?

I just did and, apparently, will not be allowed on this bus again.

Daily Ritual

From Rhymes With Orange

Did you hear about the massive LEGO sale this weekend?

People were lining up for blocks.

Sticky Trap

From Safely Endangered

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honey combs!

Spider Goo

From Dogs on the 4th

I recently took my beginner apiarist exams.

I got a B.

Feeling Guilty

From Mark Lynch

My ex-girlfriend used to head butt me in the face whenever she had an orgasm.

I didn't mind too much until I found out that she was faking them.

Happy New Year

From Strange Brew

I've opened a gym called Resolutions.

It will have exercise equipment for the first two weeks . . .

. . . and then it will turn into a bar for the rest of the year.

Dreams Of Flying

From Remi Lascault

I bought my nephew a caterpillar cake without checking the best before date, so now he's got a butterfly cake.

Tough Day For The Dung Beetle

From Andertoons

Did you know that wombats are capable of complex mathematical operations?

They can cube the number 2.

Bad Neighbours

From Loose Parts

I helped my neighbour this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you."

I couldn't believe it.

You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!

Insects Night Out

From Andertoons

I've got a date with a woman who identifies as a wheelie bin . . .

. . . but I can't remember whether I'm taking her out on Tuesday or Wednesday.

Beware Bugs Bearing Gifts

From Bizarro

I accidentally sent a picture of me naked to everyone in my address book today.

Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.

The Life Of A Teenage Mantis 5

From War and Peas