Protection Racket

From Will McPhail

I Saw a Huge Seagull Today

It was big enough to be a D Gull.

But not quite big enough to be an Eagle.

Bikini Body

From War and Peas

My doctor says I should think about getting my stomach stapled.

It's great that at my age he still believes I could be a centrefold.

Making Friends

From Little Porpoise

Yesterday I tried that new laxative that contains goose feathers.

Today I'm feeling down in the dumps.

Entertainment For Cats

From OffTheMark

Where do Russian birds sleep?

In a commu-nest.

Camouflage

From Ben Chen

Whenever anyone at the gym asks if I can spot them, I always reply 'Who said that?'  

Commanding Respect

From The Perry Bible Fellowship

If you have just left school or uni and have started working at your first adult job you may be wondering if this is all there is to life.

No, it is not: there is also back pain.

Good News, Bad News

From JimBenton

Why did the archaeopteryx get the worm?

Because it was an early bird.

Not Caring

From smbc

I went to an Indian restaurant the other day and decided to try the toucan curry.

The food was delicious but the bill was ridiculous.

Phonetically Defined 2

From Wrong Hands

Lifestyle Choice

From Will McPhail

It must be hard to be a parent nowadays.

You have to explain the birds & the bees.

The bees & the bees.

The birds & the birds.

The birds that used to be bees.

The bees that used to be birds.

The birds that look like bees and the bees that look like birds but still have a stinger.

Communal Lift

From Chucklebros

I asked the doctor for something to treat my thrush.

He gave me a bag of mealworms.

Glass House

From At Random Comics

Me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia.

Therapist: You might be getting carried away.

Me: *firing into the ceiling* Not without a fight.

I.D. Parade

From Jeff Hobbs

If you identify a UFO then it becomes an FO.

Unless it has landed: then it is simply an O.

Arousal Problem

From OffTheMark

Each night she's on the balcony

He loves her from afar

His soft, sad eyes are hypnotised

She shines down like a star.

His heart will break forever

His kind can't have affairs

For Dachshunds with erections...

Can't climb stairs.

 

His home's a humble bungalow

And her's a penthouse flat

He cannot go where she can go

And that, they say. is that.

He never can be near her

Although she knows he cares

For Dachshunds with erections...

Can't climb stairs.

 

You want to win a woman?

Just be cool... be aloof

The dog who doesn't hit the stairs

Can make it to the roof.

The dog who doesn't care

Will be the dog who wins the day

You'll never get to heaven...

With your chopper in the way.

 

The spirit soars, the body falls

And heavy lies the heart

That cries out with the pain of love

Be still my broken part.

How painful is the passion

And painful the repairs

For Dachshunds with erections

Can't climb stairs.

by Les Barker

Dreams Of Flying

From Remi Lascault

I bought my nephew a caterpillar cake without checking the best before date, so now he's got a butterfly cake.

Picking Up Birds

From Andertoons

I chatted up a gypsy last night.

She asked me to go back to her place for a good time.

She wasn't kidding.

I went on the dodgems, the waltzers and the ghost train, and I returned home with a goldfish.

Providers

From Strange Brew

I couldn't find any Oxo cubes in the supermarket today.

They must be out of stock.

Gift

From GoodBearComics

My girlfriend isn't talking to me.

She said I ruined her 30th birthday.

I'm not sure how.

I didn't even know it was her birthday.

Nesting Season

From Leigh Rubin

Where do you look if you want to find a peacock?

Between the peanuts.

A Kiss From A Fair Maiden

From Tim Rickard

After kissing a girl on her sofa for a while she said, "let's take this upstairs".

"Okay", I said, "you grab one end and I'll grab the other".