Apple Intern

From Dustinteractive

I've just dropped my mobile phone.

Luckily it was in flight mode so it landed safely.

Devices

From F Minus

I bumped into someone from my flashers' club in town earlier.

It's always nice to see a fellow member.  

Bad Dog

From Speedbump

Some girl has stolen my phone and keeps taking naked selfies of herself.

It's getting out of hand, my photos backup file is getting full of them now.

Can someone help me track her down please?

I need to give her the charger before the phone runs out of power.

Wise Dog

From Half-Full

I used to find it annoying enough when I got my signature wrong.

But now, thanks to my new iPhone, I sometimes get my face wrong too.

How To Attend A Concert

From Wumo

I am hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm.

If you can't come, let me know.

Beach Bodies

From OffTheMark

I can't believe that the morning has disappeared already and I've hardly got anything done.

All because Facebook was down so I had to phone 42 of my friends to find out what they had for breakfast.

Seeing The Light

From Joseph Nowak

"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.

"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.

"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.

Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.

Wild Adventure

From Bliss

Today I bought myself some sensible walking boots and a green rucksack with a few outer pockets and went up to the Lake District.

I walked around for about 5 miles or so, stopped and sat on a stone wall for a bit and had a flask of milky coffee.

Then I walked another 5 miles or thereabouts and decided to stop for a snack.

I rootled about in my new rucksack and decided that a biscuit would do the job.

I found some digestives, some bourbons and a pack of custard creams so I picked the . . .

Sorry, I'm rambling!

Living On A Phone

From See Mike Draw

I'm having people over to stare at their phones later.

If you want to come round and join in you'd be very welcome.

Caution

From Reality Check

I don't want to brag but I just put my USB stick into my laptop the right way round on the first attempt.

Pro tip: It's the metal end.

Saftey Feature

From Mark Lynch

Why are airbags so expensive?

Because of inflation.

Tracked

From OffTheMark

I asked my smart phone what to do when I feel sleepy in the middle of the day.

It turns out there's a nap for that!

Modern Day Alien Problems

From Andertoons

"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.

"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.

"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.

Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.

Desperate Situation

From AThirdThing

I lost my haiku

Please tell me if you see it.

Thank you very much.

Why There Is No Proof Of Aliens Even Though Everyone Carries Around A Camera On Their Phone

From Looks Good On Paper

Why don't aliens spend their holidays on Earth?

Because our solar system only has one star.

Giraphone

From OffTheMark

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Anagram.

Anagram who?

How?

Tricks Of The Trade

From Mark Lynch

I had my phone stolen yesterday but the laugh's on them,

I've already used up all my free minutes.

An Octet Of Delaney

The more I learn about Russian dolls, the more I find there is to learn about Russian dolls.

 

Plastic surgeons can now give you a second penis, I'm tempted but worried it might make me a bit too cocky.

 

50 percent of people who go to watch The Cure actually end up watching Placebo, and enjoy it just as much.

 

There's two typos of people, those who make spelling mistakes and those who don't.

 

My Uncle's a lion tamer, when the bank foreclosed they took nearly everything, but at least he's still got his pride.

 

My Nan's got a dripping tap in her kitchen, which goes to show how much she loves dripping.

 

I've just been to the mobile library and borrowed a Nokia for three weeks.

 

I used to try to make eye contact with people on the tube, but one thing I soon learned about Londoners is they hate you touching their eyes.

Mobile Phone Mobile

From Reality Check

How much "No More Tears" shampoo do you have to rub into a baby's eyes before it stops crying?

Everyday Activity

From Dinos and Comics

My wife asked me why I spoke so softly in the house.

I told her it was because I thought Mark Zuckerberg might be listening.

She laughed.

I laughed.

Alexa laughed.

Siri laughed.