Backseat Drivers

From Reality Check

I just got a paper cut from a risk assessment form.

Dry January

From Reality Check

To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

If You Liked These . . .

From Reality Check

It's officially the season where you've got to ask your mum whether you're allowed to eat food or if it's for Christmas.

(t)Uber Travel

From Reality Check

I passed my driving test even though I kept forgetting to use my rear view mirror and I haven't looked back since.

Virtual Spy

From Reality Check

Our WiFi went down last night and all the kids came running out of their rooms.

Blimey, they haven't half grown!

Roll Away The Stone

From Reality Check

Why did Jesus move to China after his resurrection?

Because it was easter.

Why People No Longer Send Messages In Bottles

From Speedbump

From Reality Check

Bottled water companies don't produce water.

They produce plastic bottles.

While You Were Sleeping

From Reality Check

A Traditional Family Christmas

It wasn't until that first Christmas with your family
that I realised how we all do it differently,
how every family forges its own traditions, as bright
and distinct as any giant, shining star.

The way you laid out coal sacks instead of stockings;
the recital of a limerick before the opening of each present,
Christopher Lee's heavy metal Christmas album
playing quietly in the background; the pre-breakfast snorkel;

the Dance of the Seven Baubles; the festive epaulettes;
lunch with its ptarmigan fritters in milk sauce,
the suet potatoes, and the sweet and sour popcorn;
the replenishing of glasses with red turkey wine;

sprout-rolling in the park; the posting of a tinsel stick
through Mr Jennings' letterbox; and back for an evening of TV
(some classic episodes of Panorama) and games
(Hoist the Pickle, No Elbows Please!, Speculum) then bed.

The following year you came to my family for Christmas.
You said later that it was weird.

From Brian Bilston

Socialising

From Reality Check

Son: "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

Me: "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

Son: "But dad, I only see two."

Caution

From Reality Check

I don't want to brag but I just put my USB stick into my laptop the right way round on the first attempt.

Pro tip: It's the metal end.

Growing Up

From Reality Check

When I was growing up there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet.

Nobody knew why.

Chocolate Box

From Reality Check

My Valentine's Day Plans

1. Breakfast in bed

2. Chocolates

3. Watch a romantic film

4. Dinner for two

5. Regret eating two dinners

Unfaithful

From Reality Check

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse...   "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess." I replied.

Excuse

From Reality Check

Three guys decide to stop for a drink after work on Christmas Eve.

One thing leads to another and they end up on an all night pub crawl.

While going to one last place, they get in a terrible accident and all three are killed.

They find themselves standing in front of the Pearly Gates.

St Peter tells them, "Boys, you're in luck. Since it's Christmas, we have a special policy. Show me anything that shows that you're celebrating the day, and you get into Heaven."

One guy pulls out his lighter and flicks it. "Christmas candle."

"OK, it's a stretch, but you're in."

Second guy pulls out his keys and jingles them. "Christmas bells."

"Whatever, you're in."

Third guy pulls a pair of women's panties out of his pocket.

St. Peter says, "Hold up. I'm willing to stretch a point today, but what do panties have to do with Christmas?"

"They're Carol's."

Farrrest Gump

From Reality Check

I just watched a pirated film.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd give a 3.14.

Moving On

From Reality Check

Me: "The kids haven't eaten their vegetables"

Wife: "Ok just throw them out"

[later]

Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase*: "Look I'm as surprised as you are"

To The Moon . . . And Back

From Reality Check

A T-Rex and a Velociraptor are sitting in a bar.

The velociraptor points to a triceratops in the corner and says, "Why is he first to get served?"

The T-Rex replies, "Because he was herbivorous".

This Is A Knife

From Reality Check

Your current girlfriend doesn't like being referred to as your current girlfriend.

Mobile Phone Mobile

From Reality Check

How much "No More Tears" shampoo do you have to rub into a baby's eyes before it stops crying?

Everyday Is A Winding Road

From Reality Check

I went to HMV earlier and asked the guy behind the counter if they had any Run DMC records.

He said "Walk this way".