It's 'Round Here Somewhere

From Bliss

My son: Dad, I’ve lost my dictionary.

Me: Have you looked upstairs?

My son: Dad! I can’t look up anything.

Never Satisfied

From Bliss

My sex change operation from male to female went really well.

It was so successful, I'm still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

Proud Dad

From Scott Metzger

I managed to build a car entirely out of washing machine parts.

Tomorrow, I'm taking it out for a spin.

Engine Trouble

From OffTheMark

How come our cars have to be roadworthy when the roads don't have to be car worthy?

Driving Home

Wow, he's setting off early this year!

My new car has a switch for pretty much everything.

There's even one that says 'rear wiper' but I'm still too afraid to try that one whilst I'm driving.

Above And Beyond

From Work Chronicles

My boss pulled up in his brand new Mercedes today and I couldn't help but admire it

"Nice car", I said as he got out.

Well, he said noticing my admiring looks; "Work hard, put the hours in, and this time next year I'll be able to buy an even better one".

Phonetically Defined 6

From Wrong Hands

Hazard Ahead

From Looks Good On Paper

Q: Where do you weigh a pie?

A: Somewhere over the rainbow!

Bad Dog

From Speedbump

Some girl has stolen my phone and keeps taking naked selfies of herself.

It's getting out of hand, my photos backup file is getting full of them now.

Can someone help me track her down please?

I need to give her the charger before the phone runs out of power.

Catfish in the Cradle by Herring Chapin

From The Argyle Sweater

I just bought a sweet car online that was previously owned by Neil Diamond.

Horsing Around

From Cyanide & Happiness

100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

Today everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.

Oh, how the stables have turned.

Feminine Side

From Faceless

The missis has just come into the living room wearing a skimpy little nightie, fishnet stockings and high heels.

She handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me "what she does best".

I can hardly contain my excitement, I absolutely love shepherd's pie.

Baby Pictures

From Dogs on the 4th

I went to visit a friend at the hospital and the only parking spot was at the C section.

I had to climb out of the car through the sunroof.

Danger Sign

From The Jenkins

I heard they’re making an air freshener that is controlled by your mind.

I know it sounds crazy but it makes scents when you think about it.

Protection Racket

From Bound and Gagged

The man who invented the throat lozenge has passed away...

There was no coffin at the funeral.

Self Driving Cars & The Future

From smbc

Did you hear about the first death caused by a self-driving car?

The police didn't press charges because they couldn't determine its automotive.

The March Of Progress

From Faceless

I bought a new deodorant stick today.

The instructions said remove the wrapper and push up the bottom.

I can hardly walk but when I fart the room smells lovely!

You've Got To Have A Plan

From Buni Comic

I booked a flight with Ryanair.

They said, '£100 for a seat on an aisle or £10 for by the window',

I said, 'By the window please'.

They said, 'For an extra £100 would you like to make that inside the plane?'

New Content

From Dinos and Comics

My car is in such poor condition the resale value goes up and down depending on how much petrol is in it.

Road Safety

From Bliss

I was driving towards a village and, I'll admit it, I thought I was going a bit fast. But then one of those auto road signs flashed up 87mph, and spookily enough, that was exactly the speed I was travelling at. So hey, I figured I was OK.