Point Of No Return

From Loose Parts

My girlfriend told me that she slept with 5 people before we met.

I usually wouldn’t mind, but I was only 20 minutes late!

3 x 9 = ?

From xkcd

If I had 50p for every maths exam I've failed . . .

. . . I'd have 7.30 by now.

Sharing

From Jonesy

I've cut down on my drinking, and now only have one vodka before going to bed.

Last night I went to bed eight times.

Sharing

From LunarBaboon

I love putting on warm underwear straight out of the dryer.

Plus, it's fun to look around the launderette and guess who they belong to.

Giraffe Toilet

From At Random Comics

Why can’t you hear when a pterodactyl goes to the toilet?

Because they have a silent p.

Another Broken Vase

From War and Peas

They told me I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic but so far I’ve made 2 jugs and a vase!

Wax Work

From OffTheMark

I just spent ages waxing my car.

I’m still not quite sure how it gets so hairy.

Diabetes Placebo Test

From Cornered

I was just on a diabetes information website.

It asked if I would accept cookies.

Is that a trick question?

Don’t Bite The Hound That Feeds You

From Bliss

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A labracadabradoodle.

Parent / Teacher Evening

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.

The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.

After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"

Understand Your Cat's Behaviour

From Scott Metzger

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines.

Cats can.

Rise And Shine

From Buni Comic

I always keep an empty milk bottle in my fridge, just in case someone wants a black coffee.

Last Item On The Bucket List

From Mark Lynch

My Bucket list:

1. Pail

2. Ice Bucket

3. Mop Bucket

4. Climb Mt. Everest

5. Sandcastle Bucket

6. Car Washing Bucket

From The Gentleman At The Bar

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?”

The dog points to steak in a glass case.

“How many pounds?” asks the butcher.

The dog barks twice.

“Anything else?”

The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times.

So, the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out.

A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several streets away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!”

“Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”

Disappointing News

From Twonk Comics

After spending 20 minutes trying to get the wife’s bra off, I’ve given up.

I wish that I’d never put it on now.

Big Data

From smbc

It blows my mind that NASA is able to receive data from 4.67 billion miles away, but I lose the wifi signal when I walk into the kitchen.

Who's The Good Boy?

From Reality Check

I find it really embarrassing when guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their crotch.

Especially as he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up.

Opportunity

From Portuguese Geese

Guess who I bumped into at the opticians.

Everyone.

Good Parent

From Little Porpoise

"I bumped into your wife yesterday."

"Oh, where?"

"You know the cafe opposite that Swingers club?"

"Yes."

"Opposite that cafe!"

May The Fourth Be With You

From Rhymes With Orange

Her name was Yoda

A showgirl she was.

 

Brian Bilston

Dawn Chorus Day

From Stephen Collins

Observer Effect Day

From The Jenkins

My geography teacher asked me if I could name a country with no R in it.

I said, “No way”.

Clown Babies

How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

Funny Face

From JimBenton

I’ve just got back from my plastic surgery support group.

There were a lot of new faces there today.

Hiatus

From Mark Lynch

Apparently reincarnation is making a comeback.

Dog Wisdom

From HeyBuddy

My friend and I watched five films on Netflix back-to-back.

Luckily, I was the one facing the tv.

Perfect Couple

What has four legs and flies?

Two pairs of trousers.

Sharing With Friends

“Excuse me madam, can I smell your pussy?”

“No, of course not.”

“Oh, it must be your feet then.”

When You Wish Upon A Star

From StrangeTrek

I used to work for the circus.

I was a human cannonball.

Until they fired me.

Cat Burglar

From OffTheMark

I never thought that I'd be the sort of person who'd wake up early in the morning to exercise.

I was right.

AI Café

From Pardon My Planet

I was in a restaurant when a waitress shouted "ANYONE KNOW CPR?"

I said "Yeah I know the whole alphabet!"

Everyone laughed.

Well, everyone except this one guy!

Threesome

From Bliss

I bought a mail order bride but I was out when she was delivered so now she’s married to the bloke next door.

Every Book You Ever Wanted

There was a fire drill at IKEA yesterday . . .

. . . we all assembled in the car park!

Visiting Ararat

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

I've just checked my home insurance policy, and apparently if my duvet is stolen in the middle of the night, I'm not covered!

Bonus

From Buni Comic

I am on a diet and my friend asked me how it's going.

"Not good", I said, "I had eggs for breakfast."

"Fried?" He asked.

"Chocolate!" I replied.

Opposites Attract

From Mark Lynch

Why do polar bears only live at the north pole?

Because if they also lived at the south pole, they would be bipolar bears.

Going The Extra Mile

From Twonk Comics

I was in a taxi the other day and the driver asked, “Is it okay if I put some music on?”

I responded, “Yeah, that’s fine, go ahead”.

He said, “Kiss?”.

I replied, “Look, just play the music first and then we’ll see how I feel”.

Open

From smbc

I’m not saying I’m old but when I was a kid if someone said they were on the Spectrum it meant they’d sat on your computer.

Puked Lunch

From Rhymes With Orange

A man was in the habit of getting drunk several times a week.

Enough is enough thought his wife, so she told him, “If you come home drunk once more, I’m leaving you”

The man went out that night with the best of intentions but ended up drinking so much that he vomited all over himself.

“My goodness, I appear to have vomited all over myself” he proclaimed.

“I smell of regurgitated spirits”, he said to his drinking companion, “now my wife will leave me”.

“Fear not” said the drinking companion, “Just walk in with £20 in your hand and say that someone else vomited on you and then gave you £20 for dry cleaning”.

So, the man went home and when he was accused of being drunk explained, “No, no dear I’m not drunk, see I was given £20 by the man who vomited all over me so that I could have my clothes dry cleaned.”

“Is that so”, asked his wife. “Then tell me, why do you have another £20 in your other hand?”

“Oh”, said the man, ”that was from the guy who shat in my pants.”

Where's My Easter Egg

Why is bread the body of Christ?

Because he is risen.

Nightime Fairy

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I had to get my pet lizard some Valium as he has been a bit stressed out.

Now he's a calmer, calmer, calmer chameleon!

Pigeon Acoustics

Bagpipes are the only instrument that, when you learn to play them properly, sound exactly the same as when you started.

Fools

From At Random Comics

Today is the perfect day to propose because if they say no, you can just pretend it was a prank.

Also, does anybody want to buy a ring?

Poor Planning

From Reality Check

From Speedbump

If you're American when you go into the toilet

And American when you leave the toilet

What are you whilst you're using the toilet?

Eurapeeing.

Turtle Soup

From Joseph Nowak

It's the start of a brand new week, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

Spring Forward

From Stephen Collins

It took me ages to change all the clocks in my house.

There's an hour of my life I'll never get back.

Whack-a-Mole Sales

From Andertoons

I gave my long-standing friend some advice…

"Sit down!"

Decision Making

From Loose Parts

I bought a self-assembly bookcase but it didn't work so I had to make it myself.

What Animals Have Taught Me

 

From JimBenton

What do you call a baby manatee?

A boyatee