Home Alone

From GoodBearComics

Him: I saw you walking your dogs yesterday.

Her: They’re not my dogs, they’re my sister’s.

Him: Your sisters sure are ugly.

When You Order Wine

From Truth Facts

I found a wallet with £20 in it.

I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So, I turned it into wine.

Attention

From OffTheMark

I was recently diagnosed with attention something something.

Steps

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

My ex-girlfriend used to say to me, “Every time you act like a child, we get one step closer to splitting up”.

And I used to say, “Are we nearly there yet?”

Timing Is Everything

From Mark Lynch

Interviewer: “So, where do you see yourself in five years?”

Me: “I'd say my biggest weakness is not listening properly.”

Sin

From JimBenton

Jesus sacrificed his life for your sins . . .

. . . except he came back.

So, what did he really sacrifice?

His weekend?

Jesus sacrificed his weekend for your sins.

It's 'Round Here Somewhere

From Bliss

My son: Dad, I’ve lost my dictionary.

Me: Have you looked upstairs?

My son: Dad! I can’t look up anything.

All A-Bored

From Monster Picnic

Boss: This is the third time you've been late this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: It's Wednesday?

Intimate Examination

From Slipshod Squiggles

I walked into a fertility clinic.

The nurse said, "I can already tell what your problem is."

I said, "How?"

She said, "That was the back door".

Beached Body Ready

From Scott Metzger

Dating Problems - My Eyes Are . . .

From TheArgyleSweater

I went out for a winter walk this morning and found a box of frozen fish on the pavement.

I was going to hand it in to the police, but then decided it was a case of Findus Kippers!

Writer's Block

From Wrong Hands

I got kicked out of our Writers Block support group today

It made me really

What A Way To Make A Living

The 925 to Woking will be D Parton in 2 minutes

Dolly Parton Quotes:

"It costs a lot of money to look this cheap."

 

"I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb . . . and I also know that I’m not blonde."

 

"People always ask me how long it takes to do my hair.  I don’t know, I’m never there."

How Do You Do

From Liz Climo

Why can't humans hear a dog whistle?

Because dogs can't whistle.

Now They Just Need To Be Wired In

From Kendra Allenby

I've finally saved up enough for solar panels.

What's holding me back is that I can't afford a house.

Centre For Reincarnation Studies

From Speedbump

My health insurance company refused to pay my bill because I believe in reincarnation.

They said I had a pre-existing condition.

Three Bucks

From Dogs on the 4th

What do you call a chicken that’s staring at a lettuce?

Chicken Sees A Salad.

Moan

From Jonesy

Why don’t owls like it when it rains?

Because it’s too wet to woo.

Good To Go

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I had a dream where I was swimming in orange soda.

I guess it was a Fanta Sea.

Development

From Bogart Creek

This Rainforest Café is so realistic.

I was just sitting here enjoying my chicken tenders when a bulldozer destroyed 30% of the building.

End Of Life

From Buni Comic

I’m sad to report my nan’s clothes horse has broken beyond repair after 60 years.

It's the end of an airer!

Eclipse

From Twonk Comics

And for anyone who missed it, let Roger McGough guide you toward other eclipses:

The hamburger flipped across the face of the bun

The frisbee winning the race against its own shadow

The cricket ball dropping for six in front of the church clock

On a golden plate, a host of communion wafers

The brown contact lens sliding across the blue iris

The palming of small change

Everyday eclipses.

 

Out of the frying pan, the tossed pancake orbits the Chinese lampshade

The water bucket echoing into the well

The black, snookering the cue ball against the green baize

The winning putt on the eighteenth

The tiddlywink twinking toward the tiddlycup

Everyday eclipses.

 

Neck and neck in the hot-air balloon race

Holding up her sign, the lollipop lady blots out the Belisha beacon

The foaming tankard thumped onto the beermat

The plug into the plughole

In the fruit bowl, the orange rolls in front of the peach

Every day eclipses another day.

 

Goodbye bald patch, Hello yarmulke

A sombrero tossed into the bullring

Leading the parade, the big bass drum, we hear cymbals but cannot see them

One eclipse eclipses another eclipse.

 

To the cold white face, the oxygen mask

But too late

One death eclipses another death.

 

The baby’s head, the mother’s breast

The open O of the mouth seeking the warm O of the nipple

One birth eclipses another birth

Everyday eclipses.

 

Roger McGough

Slow Mugging

From smbc

What do you call a group of trans-female superheroes?

Ex-Men!

You're Beautiful

I run 15 mins every day.

If I miss a day I run 15 mins more the next day.

This has truly been a game changer for me.

Tomorrow I’m running for 3.5 months!

Finland

From Terrible Maps

Finland have just closed their borders.

Which means no one can cross the finish line.

Breakthrough

From Mark Lynch

The first house I rented had a ceiling that was only 4 feet above the floor.

I couldn’t stand living there.

Fortune Teller Interview

From Twonk Comics

Fortune Teller Buying Clothes

Shop Assistant: How about this one?

Fortune Teller: That shirt is too small

Shop Assistant: You didn't even try it on

Fortune Teller: I'm a medium

Efficiency

From Dinos and Comics

My grandma quietly changed her hair colour while taking a nap.

She dyed peacefully in her sleep.

Morning Activity

From Anjali Srivastava

Why can't you keep score in Afghanistan?

Because of the tally-ban!

Never Satisfied

From Bliss

My sex change operation from male to female went really well.

It was so successful, I'm still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

Seems Wrong

From Spudtoons

I bought a vegan friend a cookbook as a present.

Unfortunately, he said that he couldn't accept it as it was leather bound and was therefore too heavy for him to lift.

Snowball Gets Even

From OffTheMark

Pets only like us because they have Stockholm Syndrome.

Boys Get Flowers Too

From The Hec Comics

My wife has just phoned me to tell me that 3 women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous.

I said, "That's probably why!"

Dangerous Game Hunter

From The Argyle Sweater

I bought a second-hand guitar from Adam Ant.

He quoted he fifty quid, but said for an extra tenner he’d throw in a stand and deliver.

Parenting Technique

From At Random Comics

My wife and I have decided that we don't want to have children.

We'll be telling them tonight over dinner.

Magic Carpet Warehouse

From Andertoons

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field.

Face/On

From Faceless

It’s just dawned on me.

People are prisoners of their phones.

That’s why they’re called Cell Phones.

The Son Of Man - Origin Story

From Dan Misdea

I gave my friend an apple, and she told me she preferred pears . . .

. . . so, I gave her another apple!

Directions

From Speedbump

People are always sceptical when I say I climbed Mount Everest.

But it's true, I made it up!

Burglar

From Jonesy

Who did the dinosaur call when he was being robbed?

The triceracops.

Greg - Party Animal

From Liz Climo

My mate suggested that we go to a fancy dress party as a pheasant and a grouse.

Well, I'm game if he is.

Height Chart

Did you hear about the girl who fell in love with a baker?

It didn’t work out; she wasn’t what he kneaded.

Opportunity

From Twonk Comics

A Scotsman, a Welshman and an Irishman enter a bar.

The bartender says, “This doesn’t seem right, where’s the Englishman?”

The Scotsman replies, “He couldn’t make it, he’s still at the World Cup.”

Emotional Rescue

From Buni Comic

I just had an Adam Ant ice cream.

Nothing special, just standard vanilla.

GMail Auto Response

From smbc

I’ve just had a letter delivered confirming that I have secured a job with the Royal Mail.

I start last Monday.

Old Jokes

  

    

   

There's a rumour going round that Spandau Ballet are going to re-release one of their old singles.

I hope it's not True.

The View

From Tyson Cole

Head & Shoulders should make a body wash called Knees & Toes.