Opportunity

From Twonk Comics

A Scotsman, a Welshman and an Irishman enter a bar.

The bartender says, “This doesn’t seem right, where’s the Englishman?”

The Scotsman replies, “He couldn’t make it, he’s still at the World Cup.”

Breakfast TV

From Twonk Comics

One red card, two penalties, five goals, eleven minutes of extra time and a blood pressure too high to count.

Probably beats the usual two Weetabix and a shower before the working week starts.

Sending Off

From Jonesy

The Three Musketeers Football Club have had some good results this season . . .

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-4

Dizzy Heights

From smbc

I was at a climbing centre the other day, but would you believe someone had stolen all the grips from the wall.

Honestly, you just couldn't make it up!

Seasons Greetings

From Four Eyes

My wife left me yesterday because she said I was too addicted to football.

I was devastated . . . I'd been with her for 12 seasons.

Resurrection

From At Random Comics

8pm - I get a text from my girlfriend: Me or football?

11pm - I text my girlfriend: You of course.

Pickup

From Speedbump

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16year olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

"You ok?" she says."

Yes." he says."

You can go and play with the other kids you know" she says.

"It's best I stay here." he says.

"Why's that sweetie?" says the blonde.

The boy looks at her incredulously and says, "Because I'm the Goalie!"

League Cup Final : Chelsea 0 v 1 Liverpool

 

Female Referee

Breaking News

Rebecca Welch became the first woman to referee a match in the Premier League this afternoon when she officiated during the Fulham v Burnley match.

She booked one player in the first half for abusive language, another in the second half for a late challenge and several throughout the game for fouls that they committed years ago and had completely forgotten about.

Santa Delivers

From Cyanide & Happiness

My wife has begun hinting that she wants something black and lacy for Christmas.

So, I've bought her a pair of football boots.

Fixtures

I'd love nothing more than to go outside

and commune with Mother Nature.

But what can I do? It's out of my hands:

Czech Republic are playing Croatia.

 

Yes, I know that the work is piling up.

Bring it on! Couldn't be happier!

Just ten minutes more (plus time added on)

of Poland versus Slovakia.

 

Sorry that I'll miss Gran's party today.

I do hope you'll save me some cake.

It's just the Swiss are taking on Turkey

and there's an awful lot at stake.

 

Sometimes I hear life as it goes on outside

and I couldn't feel any lonelier.

But then I remember, it's the big game today:

Ukraine - North Macedonia.

 

Brian Bilston

Monty Hall

From The Jenkins

Transfer Deadline Day News

Man City say they are looking to sign young Nigerian striker Untidi.

According to their scouts he's the new Messi.

COVID-19

I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"

She replied to me, "Ammonia Cleaner"

I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here."

With the football season suspension due to the corona virus, I've decided to talk to my wife.

She has told me she has been made redundant . . . from Woolworths.

Latest purchase limits placed on shops, in light of the Coronavirus due to panic buying;

ASDA: 2 hand sanitisers and a 4 pack of toilet rolls.

TESCO: 1 hand sanitiser, 500g of rice and 4 pack of toilet rolls.

WAITROSE: 1 lobster, 6 quails' eggs and 100g of Foie Gras.

ALDI: 1 MIG welder, 1 pink sports bra, 2 trumpets and a wetsuit.

Because of panic buying I've run out of toilet paper, so I'm now using lettuce leaves.... I've a feeling today is just gonna be the tip of the iceberg.

I keep singing "Come Fly With Me", "Moon River and "New York, New York".

I've got Croonervirus.

Last night I thought I had a case of Corona, but there were only 5 bottles left in the box.

When you start to work from home but miss the daily commute:

Lionesses

European Champions League Final 2019 : Tottenham 0 - 2 Liverpool

World Cup

My all time Croatia XI:

Modrić

Sandwić

Sausić

Feverpić

Quiddić

Sonofabić

Wickedwić

Glić

Glić

Glić

Ostrić.

With a series of shock results, Russia got further than anyone imagined. All the way to Salisbury in fact.

The Russians fans have enjoyed having a few days of being able to stand in a crowd and wave flags without getting arrested.

My mate thinks that all life on earth began in Dubrovnik. He's a Croatianist.

Weekend Break

A Manchester United fan goes into a travel agents and says, "I'm looking for a weekend away in England, but I don't know where to go?" The travel agent says, "You can't beat Bournemouth at this time of year."

Bad News

From Bizarro

Channel Surfing

A man watching a football game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.
 
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.
 
"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said.
 
"You already know how to play football!"

The Premier League Has Awarded The Goal Line Technology contract To Hawkeye

The Premier League has awarded the goal-line technology contract to Hawkeye; though the replay shows it should clearly have gone to their competitor.