Cat Lady

From Jonesy

As a young child my mother told me that I could be anyone I wanted to be.

It turns out, this is called identity theft.

Fast Car

From Martin Perscheid

My mate David had his ID stolen.

So, now I call him Dav.

Co-worker Complaints

From War and Peas

A giraffe can grow up to 18 feet.

But they usually only have 4.

Parenting Technique

From OffTheMark

People get really annoyed when I read over their shoulders on trains which is stupid as I'm not even that loud.

A Child Fell Into A Well

From Cyanide & Happiness

A strangler is just a fiend you haven't met yet.

Quick Response

From Safely Endangered

I hate making spelling mistakes.

You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

Getting The Perfect Shot

From Bliss

I just failed my abseiling exam.

I let myself down badly there.