New Year Countdown

"The cat scratched my groin when he saw that woman from Strictly."

"Claudia Winkleman?"

"No man, but it was close."

Why There Is No Proof Of Aliens Even Though Everyone Carries Around A Camera On Their Phone

From Looks Good On Paper

Why don't aliens spend their holidays on Earth?

Because our solar system only has one star.

Computer Mouse

From Life On Earth

Don't worry if you've forgotten the first rule of Passive Aggressive Club, it's fine.

Evail Kniesnail

From Speedbump

I removed the shell from my racing snail.

I thought it would make it faster, but if anything it's become even more sluggish.

Artificial Incompetence

From smbc

How do we know when Artificial Intelligence has become self-aware?

It starts to think its bot is too big.

Regifting

From Portsherry

I think it's time I told everyone a little bit about myself.

As many of you will know, I used to be a harpist.

I'm not going to brag, but I could play the harp brilliantly.

I worked in an orchestra and after one of our concerts I met this amazing woman.

I grew to absolutely adore this girl, and would do anything for her.

But this is a story about how it all went wrong.

 

My harp was immaculate, 17th century, with ornate carvings, and it was my pride and joy,

It was worth a great deal of money; a lot more than most people would believe.

But my girl knew, because I would play her to sleep with it every night.

She also loved the harp, and to show her how much I loved her, I decided to give it to her as a Christmas present last year.

 

Unfortunately, our relationship was not to last.

On boxing day, the day after I gifted to her something so important to me, I found out she didn't really love me and she sold it in an online auction.

I was devastated, and had to end it with her.............

 

'Last Christmas I gave her my harp, but the very next day, it was sold on eBay'

Seasons' Greetings

From Yaffle by Jeffrey Caulfield and Brian Ponshock

My kids told me that they wanted a cat for Christmas.

Usually I do a turkey, but hey, if it will make them happy.

Excuse

From Reality Check

Three guys decide to stop for a drink after work on Christmas Eve.

One thing leads to another and they end up on an all night pub crawl.

While going to one last place, they get in a terrible accident and all three are killed.

They find themselves standing in front of the Pearly Gates.

St Peter tells them, "Boys, you're in luck. Since it's Christmas, we have a special policy. Show me anything that shows that you're celebrating the day, and you get into Heaven."

One guy pulls out his lighter and flicks it. "Christmas candle."

"OK, it's a stretch, but you're in."

Second guy pulls out his keys and jingles them. "Christmas bells."

"Whatever, you're in."

Third guy pulls a pair of women's panties out of his pocket.

St. Peter says, "Hold up. I'm willing to stretch a point today, but what do panties have to do with Christmas?"

"They're Carol's."

The Chosen One

From Safely Endangered

My Christmas tree was very happy when I removed the decorations from it.

In fact, it was absolutely delighted.

The First Noel

From TheArgyleSweater

Why didn't Lassie have to save Timmy on Christmas Day?

No well.

Adultree

From OffTheMark

Two blondes are walking in forest searching for a Christmas tree.

They walk for a long time but couldn't find a good one.

Hour by hour passes but still none of them are good enough.

It's getting dark and cold and finally one of them says "This is hopeless, let's just pick one without decorations".

Why Christmas Is In Winter

What present did the the boy with no arms get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.

Mistaken Identity

From OffTheMark

If anyone is alone and has no-one to spend Christmas with this year, please let me know.

I need to borrow some chairs.

Public Display of Affection

Why do native Americans hate snow?

It's white and all over their land.

Picking

What did one snowman say to the other?

Do you smell carrots?

The Snowman and The Snowdog

What do you call friendly frozen water?

A nice cube.

Brrr...

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a brick?

A brrrick.

Hot Chocolate

How did the hipster burn his mouth from hot chocolate?

He drank it before it was cool.

Christmas Spirit

From Loading Artist

I just found out that I have 2 weeks to live.

My wife just went on holiday for a fortnight.

Self Driving Cars & The Future

From smbc

Did you hear about the first death caused by a self-driving car?

The police didn't press charges because they couldn't determine its automotive.

Furdresser

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

Is it weird to lick your knife after you've finished using it?

Because the other surgeons looked at me with disgust when I did it today.

Busman's Holiday

From Wrong Hands

My auntie Marge has been ill for so long we changed her name to 'I can't believe she's not better'.

And Then There's Champagne

From Cyanide & Happiness

I asked 100 women what their favourite shampoo was.

The top response was...

"What are you doing in my bathroom?"

Just Japes

From Bliss

TIP: All women find firemen sexy.

Why not treat your lady to a sexy midnight surprise by leaving the chip-pan on when you go to bed?

Customers Who Bought This Item . . .

From Mark Lynch

My latest money making idea was a rubber beach shoe for one-legged people.

It was a flop.

Sweeten The Deal

From Loading Artist

If you're going to the Black Friday sales, please be considerate

and turn your phone sideways before recording the fights.

Emergency Distraction

From Leigh Rubin

"I've made a model of Mount Everest."

"To scale?"

"No, just to look at."

Moving House

From Speedbump

I'm currently moving house.

Has anyone got some spare cardboard boxes?

My ex won't let me live with her.

Salivary Gland Information

From Chucklebros

I'm rubbish with names.

It's not my fault, it's a condition.

There's a name for it . . . errmmm . . . 

Farrrest Gump

From Reality Check

I just watched a pirated film.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd give a 3.14.

Pigeon Poop

From Sunny Street

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term 'One Hit Wonder' came up with any other phrases?

Jack The Time Traveller

From Death Bulge

I invented time travel and killed my grandfather to see whether I would be born.

It's the worst way to find out that I'm adopted.

High Art

From The Argyle Sweater

First, they came for the mime artists, and I said something . . .

. . . because I didn't want them to think I was also a mime artist.

Gummy Worms?

From Liz Climo

There must be another planet somewhere with worms.

Otherwise, why would we call ours "Earth" worms?

Moving On

From Reality Check

Me: "The kids haven't eaten their vegetables"

Wife: "Ok just throw them out"

[later]

Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase*: "Look I'm as surprised as you are"

Fly Food

From Scribbly G

It's true, you know, Foster's lager really does taste like piss.

At least, the half-full can I found in the park this morning did.

Leafing The Colony

From Liniers Cartoon

I've just started a new diet; the Adam Ant diet.

Don't chew ever . . . don't chew ever.

Ruff Role Play

From Monster Picnic

My wife loves doggy style.

I sit up and beg. She rolls over and plays dead.

Apple Salesman

From Looks Good On Paper

What do you call someone who sees an Apple store getting robbed?

An iWitness.

Giraphone

From OffTheMark

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Anagram.

Anagram who?

How?

Scared Inkless

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

Tentickles.

The Treat

From The Perry Bible Fellowship

I went to see my doctor and he told me I was obese and diabetic.

I thought - he could have sugar coated it a bit.

Climate Change Activists

From Cyanide & Happiness

How well did Jackson Pollock do in art class?

He passed it with flying colours.

The Dangerous Book For Adults

From The Far Side

The recipe said, "Set the oven to 180 degrees."

Now I don't know what to do next, because the oven door is facing the wall.

Demanding

From Bird and Moon

What's the difference between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

7 According To The Grimms

From smbc

I had to choose an 8 character password...

So I chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

Beak Shape

From Wrong Hands

A vulture walked into an aeroplane dragging some mangled roadkill in its beak.

The stewardess looks down in distaste, and asks "Wouldn't you prefer to put that in the checked luggage compartment?"

"No thanks", replies the vulture "it's carrion."

Regret

From Bliss

A man's dog goes missing and he is all worked up about it.

His wife suggests, "Why don't you put an advert in the paper, that usually works?"

So he does, but a week later the dog is still missing.

"How did you word the advert?" his wife asks.

He replied, "Here boy!"

Human Problem

From LunarBaboon

From Speedbump