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From Our Bulgarian Correspondent

Seems Like The Right Day For The Spooky Men's Chorale

The Spooky Men's Chorale on YouTube

Like Father

From LunarBaboon

Mobiles

I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number" and hung up.

Why didn't the skeleton have a mobile? He had no body to talk to.

I got an SMS telling me that Rosberg would win this year's Formula One championship. Predictive texts drive me mad.

Fell asleep on my smartphone the other day. I had downloaded a nap.

What network is Luke Skywalker on? Yodafone.

What's the most popular network in Yorkshire? T'Mobile.

Why does Mr Potato Head have a mobile? In case Mr Onion Rings.

Put my phone into Airplane mode. What a rubbish transformer.

A friend of mine used to take his iron to his job at the telephone exchange. He was a smooth operator.

My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.

A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.

I can't picture myself without a camera phone.

Speeding along at 60, there was a buzz from my mobile on the dashboard. 

"Your phone just went," said my wife. 

"It's only a text," I replied. "I'll check it when we get there." 

She picked up the phone, and looked at it suspiciously. Then she tapped the screen, scrolled down and started reading. "I thought so," she sneered. "It's yet another crap joke from Dave about women being bad drivers." 

"Watch the road," I snapped. "You just ran a red light."

I said to my mate, "You should treat your girlfriend the same way you treat your cell phone."

He said, "What, take good care of her, and never lose her."

I said, "No, upgrade every couple of years."

Virus-free. www.avg.com

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Two Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.
'Aye, it's all going like magic,' says Jock.

'I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...'

Archie nods approvingly.

'Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!' continues Jock.

'A kilt?' exclaims Archie, 'That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that! And what's the tartin?'

'Ach,' says Jock, 'I imagine she'll be in white.'

--oOo--

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane!"

--oOo--

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off. I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts, "I'M A LIGHT BULB! .. I'M A LIGHT BULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

--oOo--

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says, "You know what I want, don't you?

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole 'friggin' bed by the looks of it!"

--oOo--

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. Prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

--oOo--

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said, "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

--oOo--

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

--oOo--

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London!"

--oOo--

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It appeared that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat . . . And nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip twit.

Hippo Zippo Elephant

From College Humour