Time Machine

From Scribbly G

The inventor of the snooze button has died.

His funeral will take place tomorrow at 6.00, 6.09, 6.18, 6.27 and 6.36.

Genesis of Clothing

From Raging Pencils

I was just viewing a woman's profile on a dating website:

Blonde 33 From London Great Personality 5ft 3 Green Eyes

Don't get me wrong, I like short women, but three green eyes?

No wonder she can't find a fella.

Management

From Dilbert

I was in a taxi today chatting to the driver.

He said "I love my job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do".

I said "Turn left here, mate!"

How Trains Are Made

From Skeleton Claw

"How do you fancy having the best sex you ever dreamed of darling?" I asked the drop dead gorgeous young lady in the pub last night.

She looked at me with utter disdain and said "No I bloody well don't fancy that at all!"

I said "Well, I'm your man then!"

Exhausted

From War and Peas

I just noticed two large bumps on my car battery.

I had them tested and one came back positive.

I hope it's not terminal.

Just Google It

If Bing Crosby was great, imagine how good Google Crosby would have been.

Stop, Drop, And Roll

From Rustled Jimmies

The world's biggest Barbara Streisand fan died today in a fire.

Police say she was so badly burned that she could only be identified by her Yentl records.

Photobomb

From Bizarro

My wife said

nothing rhymes with orange

but before despair could befall her

I corrected Angela

or Ange

as I call her

by Henry Normal

News Puppy

From The Perry Bible Fellowship

A young lady goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner for her first meeting with the family and she is very, very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal, but after the broccoli soup starter, she begins to feel a little discomfort.

The pressure on her stomach is almost enough to make her eyes water and left with little alternative, she decides to relieve herself by letting out a little wind.

It wasn't loud, but everyone around the table definitely appeared to hear a little pffft.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked around for the family dog that had been snoozing beneath the table and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy?"

'Phew!' she immediately thought and allowed half a smile to cross her face.

But a couple of minutes later she felt the gas building up again, only this time she didn't hesitate and let out a much louder, longer rip.

Once again, her boyfriend's father immediately yelled at the dog, "Skippy???"

So once more she smiled slyly and thought, 'Yes. Thank goodness for Skippy.'

Yet just another couple of minutes went by before she let out the fart of all farts and didn't even bother to try and disguise it.

At that, her boyfriend's father stood up in disgust, looked at the dog and yelled, "Damn it, Skippy! Get away from that woman before she shits all over your head."

Parts Of A Great Horned Owl

From Wrong Hands

The Tooth Fairy is a great way to introduce your kids to the concept that there's a clandestine but lucrative market for human body parts.

The Perks Of Being A Dentist

From Faceless

My wife's just back from the gynaecologist.

She said "The doctor told me I can't have sex for a month".

I said "What did your dentist say?"

Where Do Baby Storks Come From?

From Liz Climo

What do you call a baby deer that can write with both front hooves?

Bambidextrous

Development

I bought some Caesar Salad Dressing. The label said, "Best Before the Ides of March".

Fresh

From Buni Comic

I told my mum that WTF stands for Wow, That's Fantastic.

Her texts are so much more fun now.

Understanding Weather Forecasts

 

From xkcd

I passed my Calculus Theory Test, so just the Practical part to do before I get my Deriving Licence.

Failure

From smbc

I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

80085

From Dogs on the 4th

I was with a gorgeous girl in the pub last night.

As I looked into her eyes, I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies.

That's when I realised, I'd drugged the wrong glass.

Putting The Cart Before The Horse

From Will McPhail

Why are horse-drawn carriages so unpopular?

Because horses are rubbish at drawing.

Lick Rub

From Manfried

From Manfried

My friends once bought me a zookeeper experience for my birthday.

I really enjoyed it until he started scrubbing me down with a broom.

Sleeping Arrangements

From Abel B Brosaden

My pet bear's diarrhoea problems are beginning to worry me.

The vet says he's getting better but he's not out of the woods yet.

Doggy Bag?

From Scott Metzger

I arrived early at the restaurant last night.

The manager said, "Do you mind waiting for a bit?"

I said "Not at all".

He said "Great, take these drinks to table 7″

Replaced By Technology

From F Minus

I was going to give my change to a tramp today, but his sign said 'ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU'. So I held onto it, just in case.

Holiday Pictures

From Bored Panda

My mate said "I'm going on holiday to the south of France".

I said "Where, exactly?"

He said "Spain".

Decattynated

From Break of Day

I bought a circular rug that I saw on eBay the other day.

When I unwrapped it and rolled it out, I discovered that there's a great big hole in the middle.

I emailed the seller to complain.

He wrote me back saying the advert had clearly stated that the: "Rug is in mint condition".