A bald magician pulled a rabbit out of a hat.
Then he put the rabbit right on top of his head and gently lowered the hat down over the rabbit until the rabbit was completely covered.
After a couple seconds of wearing the hat, the magician quickly lifted the hat back up, and presto!
There wasn't a hare on his head.
Non-hyphenated.
Looking very pleased with himself my 7 year old nephew showed me the 'telephone' he had just made from a piece of string and two tin cans.
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
I woke up from a deep sleep in a panic thinking I was late for work.
Thankfully I was at work!
How come, when a couple get divorced, the bloke has to pay his ex-wife a share of his future earnings but the woman doesn't have to do the bloke's future housework?
I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really?" she said. "Go on then, try!"
After about thirty seconds of fondling, she lost patience and demanded, "Come on, what day was I born?"
"Yesterday!" I replied.
Last week I walked through the street, in one of my old neighbourhoods, where the houses are numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
That was a trip down Memory Lane.
I have a bag with a wooden crucifix, a small Buddha statue, and a copy of the Quran inside.
Is this sacrilegious?
My wife never forgets anything I say that upsets her.
Over five years ago I mentioned in passing that she was getting fat, and she still remembers it to this day.
She's like an elephant.
I used to be an eight pints a night guy until my doctor told me I had to cut it down by half.
So now I'm a seven and a half pints a night!
Me: "I'm full of lust but I can't perform in bed"
Doctor: "Do you struggle with the booze?"
Me: *looks at wife* "The booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic"
There are two typos of people in this world,
those who notice spelling mistakes, and those who don't.
I had an idea for a film plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris.
Turns out that idea was taken.
I then had another idea for a film where the same agent is kidnapped with his ex-wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.
I'm not saying my New Year resolutions aren't going very well but I've just finished all my Easter eggs.
I got fired from the pasta factory . . .
. . . just for making a fusilli mistakes.
Did you hear about that VR headset made out of solid gold?
It shows you an Augmented reality.
Why did the rabbit reject her boyfriend's marriage proposal?
Because the ring wasn't 24 carrots
I bumped into a friend in the street.
He had a noticeably large bulge by his groin.
"What's going on there?", I asked, pointing at it.
"Tennis ball" he replied.
"Oh mate, I feel for you", I sympathised, "I had that in my elbow once and that was painful enough".
They say that every piece of chocolate that you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes.
I've done the maths.
Apparently, I died in 1977.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you're alive?
I just did; and I've been told I'll never be able to fly with Jet2 again!
There's a Specsavers, a Boots and a Greggs near to where I live.
It's all specs and drugs and sausage rolls around here.
Today I bought myself some sensible walking boots and a green rucksack with a few outer pockets and went up to the Lake District.
I walked around for about 5 miles or so, stopped and sat on a stone wall for a bit and had a flask of milky coffee.
Then I walked another 5 miles or thereabouts and decided to stop for a snack.
I rootled about in my new rucksack and decided that a biscuit would do the job.
I found some digestives, some bourbons and a pack of custard creams so I picked the . . .
Sorry, I'm rambling!
Being both a moth and a sea captain is hard.
You're in charge of the ship.
Up ahead you see a lighthouse.
You know you shouldn't . . . but. . .
Londoners can be really cruel.
I was in a butcher's shop earlier when a woman asked for a Panda Sausage!
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2 o'clock this morning but I didn't bother letting him in.
I mean, what person in their right mind turns up to a party wearing a dressing gown and slippers?
I had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector earlier today.
The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy!
I walked into a restaurant last night.
"Hi, is my table ready?"
"No, not yet sir; would you mind waiting?"
"No, that's okay."
"Great, take these to table six then."
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.
Man, I sure am lucky!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this!
Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia on a Mastercard?
Because his Visa didn't work!
My favourite bit of The Bible is where God gives everyone free will and then drowns everyone for not acting like he wanted them to.
I went to see my doctor about my insomnia.
Unfortunately, it turned out that the surgery isn't open at half three in the morning.
My wife's gone out for a night on the town with the girls.
She's taken her wedding ring off and left it at home, presumably to avoid losing it if she has a couple too many drinks.
Very sensible. I hope she has a lovely time.
Remember the Tesco horsemeat scandal?
I've just heard that apparently B&Q wooden flooring has laminit.
If, like me, you've ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember . . .
. . . my door is always open.
Me, looking at a barn full of kale: "Who's all that for?"
Farmer: "The cattle eat it."
Me: "Wow, that must be one hungry cat."
