Purr Pressure

From OffTheMark

I don't believe in peer pressure.

Unless my friends do.

Sawing Ladies

From Cornered

I failed my entrance exam to get into The Magic Circle.

It wasn’t fair, they were all trick questions!

Developing Problem

From At Random Comics

Me: I need batteries so that I can tell what time it is.

Friend: Is it for a clock?

Me: I don’t know, that’s why I need the batteries.

Breeze

From Twonk Comics

My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly . . .

I'm not a fan.

Staying Power

At the rate he’s going, King Charles could surpass his mother's record of 15 prime ministers before the end of 2026!

It's Our Anniversary

From Faceless

Last year I booked a table for me and my wife for our anniversary.

Total waste of time; she couldn't even pot a red!

Egyptian Pool

From Speedbump

Did you know:

The only reason that there are pyramids in Egypt is because . . .

. . . they are too heavy to carry to the British Museum.

Messy Extrapolation

From xkcd

There are two types of people in the world.

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

How Placebos Work

From GoatToSelf

Affirmations work?

Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.

FCH

From Bassie Gracie

Momma Bird's Café

From Close to Home by John McPherson

What sort of birds stick together?

Vel-crows.

The Call Of The Wild

From Andertoons

Why do ducks have tail feathers?

To cover their bum quacks.

It's Coming . . .

From Jonesy

What part of their jobs do painters hate most in the summertime?

Having to put on two coats.

Sending Off

From Jonesy

The Three Musketeers Football Club have had some good results this season . . .

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-4

While The Cat's Away

From Strange Brew

I Like To Count Backwards On Wednesdays

 

I like to count backwards on Wednesdays,

It's something that I’ve always done,

I start at a thousand and twenty,

and stop at a hundred and one.

 

I like to count backwards on Wednesdays,

As a hobby it makes me unique,

It's something that gives me an interest in life

And I find it helps break up the week.

 

When I first began counting backwards,

My troubles and woes disappeared,

A friend of mine says he counts sideways,

But he's always been a bit weird.

 

I like to count backwards on Wednesdays,

It's good for both spirit and mind,

Someone asked if I’d do it on Thursdays,

Suffice it to say I declined.

 

I like to count backwards on Wednesdays,

And I hope you now understand why,

If you don't I can't help any further.

I've another appointment - goodbye.

 

John Dredge

Crocodile Smile?

From Andertoons

Did you know King Henry VIII had an insatiable sweet tooth and was particularly fond of honey?

It's why two of his wives were bee-headed.

What Everyone With A Student Loan Needs

From The Jenkins

A lorry has shed its load of electrical goods on the M57 in Liverpool.

Police said the road will be closed for about 5 minutes.

The Cycle

From Remi Lascault

Why did the baker have brown hands?

He needed a poo.

Plaque Widow

From The Argyle Sweater

My dentist asked me how long it had been since I flossed

I said “you should know that, you were there”.

Reorganisation

From Dilbert

Every time I go to work, I hide in what I think is the best place available.

Because, I heard, that good employees are hard to find.

Portraits

From JimBenton

I just got back from the barbers.

I had a number two all over.

He was livid.

Fishing

From Ben Chen

Son: “How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?”

Dad: “I don’t know; how many?”

Son: “Ten tickles.”

Dad: “Yeah, but only the male octopus is ticklish.”

Son: “Huh?”

Dad: “Yeah, the females are not ticklish at all; just the males. You know how you can tell if an octopus is a male octopus?”

Son: “No; how?

Dad: “Test tickles.”

Son: “That’s inappropriate.”