Friday 29 March 2013
Thursday 28 March 2013
Wednesday 27 March 2013
Friday 22 March 2013
Tell Me This Won't Happen To Me
THREE SISTERS
Three sisters aged 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath.. She puts her foot in and pauses...
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," she knocked on wood.
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
__________________________________
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!
An elderly Lady called 999 on her mobile phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the operator: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The operator said, "Stay calm An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the
Officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."
_____________________________________
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_____________________________________
SUPERSEX
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex".
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________________________________
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked..
"To get my teeth!"
_____________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
_____________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"
_____________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
Three sisters aged 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath.. She puts her foot in and pauses...
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," she knocked on wood.
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
__________________________________
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!
An elderly Lady called 999 on her mobile phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the operator: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The operator said, "Stay calm An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the
Officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."
_____________________________________
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_____________________________________
SUPERSEX
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex".
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________________________________
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked..
"To get my teeth!"
_____________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
_____________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"
_____________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
Thursday 21 March 2013
Wednesday 20 March 2013
The Heart Doctor's Lecture
A famous heart doctor goes to give a lecture to a group of physicians from out of town. As he going to the auditorium there he says to his driver, “Ya know Jim, I really feel like the crap today, I wish I could get out of giving this lecture and just sit and rest.”
Now Jim had been this doctor’s chauffeur for 10 years, and he had a great relationship with the doctor. He say, “Hey doc. I could give the lecture for you.”
The doctor chuckles and says, “Jim, I like you and everything and you’re a great guy, but in all honesty, you don’t really know about what I do.”
Jim responds, “You’re right, but I’ve been watching you give this lecture for the last ten years, I have the thing memorized: I could give it in my sleep! Plus, the doctors coming today are all from out of town, they have no idea what you look like, so they would have no idea I wasn’t you.”
The doctor really feels like shit, so he sits back, thinks for a second, and says, “What the hell, I trust you, let’s do it.” So they pull over to the side of the road, change outfits, and the doctor drives the rest of the way to the lecture hall.
When they get there, a hundred prominent heart surgeons are sitting in the auditorium, waiting for the lecture to start. The driver walks up to the podium in the front, and the doctor sits in the back with the driver’s hat on and looks around the room and thinks, “Oh god, what have it done! All of these doctors are famous and could squash my career if this lecture goes badly.” The driver gets to the podium, coughs, looks around the room and proceeds to give the lecture absolutely PERFECTLY! He hits every major point in the lecture, talks with eloquence and grace, and in general, gives the talk even better than the doctor ever did.
The doctor breathes a huge sigh of relief and then lays back in his chair and relaxes for the rest of the lecture. But then, as the lecture finishes and the lights go back up, a lump catches in the doctor’s throat as he realizes one thing: he had scheduled this lecture with a question and answer session afterwards!
Among the visiting doctors, a couple of hands go up, and the doctor looks on in horror as the driver picks the hand of the most prominent heart surgeon in the entire country. He proceeds to ask the most complicated, detailed, mind-bogglingly complex question the doctor had ever heard after any lecture ever, and the room goes silent to see the how the famous heart doctor will respond.
The driver looks down and is silent for a moment. The doctor sitting in the back is petrified with fear; he knows there is absolutely no way the driver could possibly know the answer to this question: his career as a lecturer is over!
And then the driver looks at the surgeon that asked the question, points to the back of the room, and says, “Sir, That question is so ridiculously easy, I’m going to let my driver answer it.”
Now Jim had been this doctor’s chauffeur for 10 years, and he had a great relationship with the doctor. He say, “Hey doc. I could give the lecture for you.”
The doctor chuckles and says, “Jim, I like you and everything and you’re a great guy, but in all honesty, you don’t really know about what I do.”
Jim responds, “You’re right, but I’ve been watching you give this lecture for the last ten years, I have the thing memorized: I could give it in my sleep! Plus, the doctors coming today are all from out of town, they have no idea what you look like, so they would have no idea I wasn’t you.”
The doctor really feels like shit, so he sits back, thinks for a second, and says, “What the hell, I trust you, let’s do it.” So they pull over to the side of the road, change outfits, and the doctor drives the rest of the way to the lecture hall.
When they get there, a hundred prominent heart surgeons are sitting in the auditorium, waiting for the lecture to start. The driver walks up to the podium in the front, and the doctor sits in the back with the driver’s hat on and looks around the room and thinks, “Oh god, what have it done! All of these doctors are famous and could squash my career if this lecture goes badly.” The driver gets to the podium, coughs, looks around the room and proceeds to give the lecture absolutely PERFECTLY! He hits every major point in the lecture, talks with eloquence and grace, and in general, gives the talk even better than the doctor ever did.
The doctor breathes a huge sigh of relief and then lays back in his chair and relaxes for the rest of the lecture. But then, as the lecture finishes and the lights go back up, a lump catches in the doctor’s throat as he realizes one thing: he had scheduled this lecture with a question and answer session afterwards!
Among the visiting doctors, a couple of hands go up, and the doctor looks on in horror as the driver picks the hand of the most prominent heart surgeon in the entire country. He proceeds to ask the most complicated, detailed, mind-bogglingly complex question the doctor had ever heard after any lecture ever, and the room goes silent to see the how the famous heart doctor will respond.
The driver looks down and is silent for a moment. The doctor sitting in the back is petrified with fear; he knows there is absolutely no way the driver could possibly know the answer to this question: his career as a lecturer is over!
And then the driver looks at the surgeon that asked the question, points to the back of the room, and says, “Sir, That question is so ridiculously easy, I’m going to let my driver answer it.”
Tuesday 19 March 2013
Gary Delaney Jokes
In Scotland the forbidden fruit is fruit.
Cockneys watching Jaws must think 'I don't get it, why does Roy Scheider need a bigger face?'
Warning: If it's your birthday on February 14th then the postman probably thinks you're a slag.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp, I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again.
Sad news, apparently the Michelin Man has retyred.
The hardest part of running competitively in Wales must be keeping up with the Joneses.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one. She was livid. “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”
Apparently in Norfolk the marriage guidance service is called Related.
Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.
Last time I was here a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her. We had sex.
I’m trying to learn how to be a more sensitive lover. I got a DVD called How To Improve Your Foreplay Technique. It was really good. I had to fast forward though the boring bit at the beginning obviously. I mean, I don’t know why they bothered with that.
Last night I had to get towed home. Ratty and Moley were too pissed to drive.
Uri Geller; surprisingly hard to stab.
I went on a positive thinking course. It was shit.
The president of France said that the English are arrogant with their refusal to learn foreign languages. At least, I think that’s what he said. It all just sounded like haw-he-haw-he-haw-he-haw.
I watched the directors’ cut of a porn film. At the end he actually fixes the washing machine.
Old lady names are back in fashion again. Names like Lily or Elsie or Rose. We wanted something like that for our daughter, but we couldn’t decide; so in the end we just called her Nan. I reckon she’ll grow into it.
I stopped in a lay-by and there was a sign said No Dumping. That was alright as I was just having a piss . . . so it didn’t affect me.
I went to WHSmith and I got a book of 1000 raffle tickets for £2.50; which is a bargain as normally they’re a pound a strip. . . I didn’t win.
I bought a chocolate bar and the inside of the wrapper said You’re A Loser. I wouldn’t have minded if there had been some sort of competition on. To make things worse, it was a Boost.
Nan would always send us texts saying please come round, my arthritis is getting worse; but then they stopped. So presumably it got better.
This morning I went to a meeting of my premature ejaculators’ support group. But it turns out that it’s tomorrow.
A friend of mine keeps going on and on and on about how great his orthopaedic shoe is . . . but I think he’s built it up too much.
I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
They've got a special on down Tesco. He's working the trolleys.
I've just been to Dignitas and now my life is complete.
Last night I went joy-riding for the first time. I can only hope she enjoyed it as much as I did.
Bad news, there's been a flood at the silica gel factory. No wait, hang on it's fine.
Nowadays when people die of consumption it's more like to mean diabetes than TB.
If I ever find the guy who messed up my limb transplants, I'm going to kill him with my bear hands.
Correlation does not imply causality, but the more I say things like that the fewer people want to talk to me.
I certainly broke a few hearts when I was a young man. (I ran a chip shop).
A German, a Greek, a Portuguese and an Irishman go into a bar. The German pays.
Just seen the grave of the woman from My Fair Lady, it says 'Here lies a Doolittle'.
If Bing Crosby was great, imagine how good Google Crosby would have been.
Cockneys watching Jaws must think 'I don't get it, why does Roy Scheider need a bigger face?'
Warning: If it's your birthday on February 14th then the postman probably thinks you're a slag.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp, I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again.
Sad news, apparently the Michelin Man has retyred.
The hardest part of running competitively in Wales must be keeping up with the Joneses.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one. She was livid. “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”
Apparently in Norfolk the marriage guidance service is called Related.
Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.
Last time I was here a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her. We had sex.
I’m trying to learn how to be a more sensitive lover. I got a DVD called How To Improve Your Foreplay Technique. It was really good. I had to fast forward though the boring bit at the beginning obviously. I mean, I don’t know why they bothered with that.
Last night I had to get towed home. Ratty and Moley were too pissed to drive.
Uri Geller; surprisingly hard to stab.
I went on a positive thinking course. It was shit.
The president of France said that the English are arrogant with their refusal to learn foreign languages. At least, I think that’s what he said. It all just sounded like haw-he-haw-he-haw-he-haw.
I watched the directors’ cut of a porn film. At the end he actually fixes the washing machine.
Old lady names are back in fashion again. Names like Lily or Elsie or Rose. We wanted something like that for our daughter, but we couldn’t decide; so in the end we just called her Nan. I reckon she’ll grow into it.
I stopped in a lay-by and there was a sign said No Dumping. That was alright as I was just having a piss . . . so it didn’t affect me.
I went to WHSmith and I got a book of 1000 raffle tickets for £2.50; which is a bargain as normally they’re a pound a strip. . . I didn’t win.
I bought a chocolate bar and the inside of the wrapper said You’re A Loser. I wouldn’t have minded if there had been some sort of competition on. To make things worse, it was a Boost.
Nan would always send us texts saying please come round, my arthritis is getting worse; but then they stopped. So presumably it got better.
This morning I went to a meeting of my premature ejaculators’ support group. But it turns out that it’s tomorrow.
A friend of mine keeps going on and on and on about how great his orthopaedic shoe is . . . but I think he’s built it up too much.
I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
They've got a special on down Tesco. He's working the trolleys.
I've just been to Dignitas and now my life is complete.
Last night I went joy-riding for the first time. I can only hope she enjoyed it as much as I did.
Bad news, there's been a flood at the silica gel factory. No wait, hang on it's fine.
Nowadays when people die of consumption it's more like to mean diabetes than TB.
If I ever find the guy who messed up my limb transplants, I'm going to kill him with my bear hands.
Correlation does not imply causality, but the more I say things like that the fewer people want to talk to me.
I certainly broke a few hearts when I was a young man. (I ran a chip shop).
A German, a Greek, a Portuguese and an Irishman go into a bar. The German pays.
Just seen the grave of the woman from My Fair Lady, it says 'Here lies a Doolittle'.
If Bing Crosby was great, imagine how good Google Crosby would have been.
Monday 18 March 2013
Saturday 16 March 2013
Comic Relief
Comic
Relief is 25 years old.
It's
always a bit embarrassing when a charity outlives the people it's trying to
help.
Friday 15 March 2013
Thursday 14 March 2013
Wednesday 13 March 2013
Tuesday 12 March 2013
Monday 11 March 2013
Friday 8 March 2013
Thursday 7 March 2013
Wednesday 6 March 2013
How To Live Your Life
A local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.
“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.
“Interesting”, the newsman thought...
He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now — in her 80’s — a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.
“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.
“Interesting”, the newsman thought...
He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now — in her 80’s — a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”
Tuesday 5 March 2013
Monday 4 March 2013
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