Approach With Care

Animal Inspired Fashions

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I think my mate from Lancashire may be a transvestite.

He has a Wigan address.

This is Lexi

This is Lexi.

She's an 8 week old German Shepherd.

I bought Lexi as a surprise gift for my wife, but it turns out she's allergic to dogs, so we are now looking to find her a new home.

She is 55 years old, a beautiful and caring woman who can drive, is a great cook and keeps a spotless house.

All genuine offers considered.

Please give generously.

Season's Greetings

From TheArgyleSweater

Checking The Situation

From Moderately Confused

Choosing Gifts

From Mark Lynch

Hot Tub

Santa Claus, the Truth

From Buni Comic

Christmas Wish

From GoodBearComics

As it's Christmas soon my wife's been leaving jewellery catalogues all over the house.

So, I've taken the hint.

I've got her a magazine rack.

Visiting Santa

From Speedbump

Santa Delivers

From Cyanide & Happiness

My wife has begun hinting that she wants something black and lacy for Christmas.

So, I've bought her a pair of football boots.

Christmas Trees's Tree

From Sunny Street

Unwrapping

From The Argyle Sweater

TOP TIP

Wrap some empty boxes up in wrapping paper and place them beneath the Christmas tree.

Then, every time one of your children starts playing up, throw one on to the fire.

(NB: a box, not a child)

We're Looking For Someone

From JimBenton

"What do we want?"

"The end of religious brainwashing."

"When do we want it?"

"After Christmas."

Christmas Party / Tree

From Liz Climo

Smooth Operator

From BogartCreek

Regime

From Reality Check

Which fruit is most like a number?

... nine, ten, a lemon, twelve, ...

Rose Tinted Glasses

From The Jenkins

TEPOLE POO

Dyslexics are tepole poo, you know?

Mind Your Language

From Dilbert

It's been over three months since I ordered that How To Scam People Online book.

And it still hasn't arrived!

Mimic

From Speedbump

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

Lucky Day

From The Perry Bible Fellowship

Why are anteaters always healthy?

Because they're full of antibodies.

Play Date

From Bliss

I knitted a jumper for myself out of golden retriever hairs.

I think I look quite fetching in it.

In The Beginning

From Junk Drawer

I think my wife's started to show the first signs of Alzheimer's.

She said she can't remember what she ever saw in me.

Inventory Problems

From Loose Parts

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.  I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

Non-Friction Books

From Bliss

That's the last time I buy my underpants from Primark.

They've fallen to bits after only six months.

I wouldn't mind, but they've only been in the washer twice.

Yellow Lives Matter

From OffTheMark

I can't stand racism and think it should be stamped out.

I don't see that it matters whether you're black, brown, yellow or normal.

This Be The Rhyme

From Wumo

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a lead.

The bartender says "You can't have that thing in here! Get out!"

The guy says "It's okay, this Alligator is highly trained.

Just give me a few seconds and I'll show you."

 

The bartender, intrigued, gives him the go-ahead.

The man gingerly lifts the alligator up onto a table.

By this point, everybody in the bar is gawking at this strange man and his pet.

The man grins around the room.

 

Having a new audience, he clears his throat and says "This is Allie the Amazing Alligator, and he is so well-trained that I can do this,"

He balls up his fist and gives the alligator a swift crack on the head.

"OPEN!" He says.

The alligator opens his mouth.

Before the bartender can do anything, the man unzips his fly and gingerly places his penis in the front of the alligator's gaping maw.

 

He wallops the alligator once more and says "CLOSE!" and the alligator ever-so-gently closes his terrifying jaws comfortably around his junk.

 

One last time, he raps his head and says "OPEN!"

He removes his unharmed manhood, and tucks it safely back into his pants.

The crowd applauds, and he takes a bow.

 

With all eyes still focused on him, he says "Now, if any of you guys have the balls to do that, I'll buy you a drink and give you fifty dollars."

Silence falls over the bar, and everyone looks around for someone who might be willing to take the bet.

After a few endless, uncomfortable seconds, a little dude in the back slowly raises his hand and says "I'll do it, but you have to promise not to hit me so hard."

Co-Habitortoise

From The Argyle Sweater

We were out having dinner when my girlfriend said, "We've been living together for three years now and you still haven't popped the question"

"Good point, when are you moving out?" I asked.

Distraction

From OffTheMark

I can't believe it's Christmas Eve already!

Or at least that's what it looks like judging by the state of my advent calendar.

Celebrity Culture

From smbc

I do wish Medusa would stop objectifying everyone.

Age Old Concern

From Andertoons

SEX AT 73

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73.

I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.

So, it's not too far to walk home afterwards.

And it's the same side of the street, I don't even have to cross the road!

Flying Animals

From Buni Comic

Two lazy vultures had procrastinated on flying south for the winter until the first frost hit, then they got worried.

"We better catch an airplane to Mexico, let's go to the airport!"

So, they take off down the road, and as luck would have it, they come across two dead road-killed opossums, that had started to get nice and smelly, just like vultures like them.

"What luck, we better take these with us, I heard the airlines don't offer meals on the flight anymore."

So, they each grab a dead opossum, tuck it under their wing, and head on to the terminal.

They walk up to the ticket counter and tell they lady "We'd like two tickets to Cancun, please."

"Very well," she says, "Will you be checking any bags?"

"No," say the vultures, holding up the dead opossum carcasses, "we only have carrion."

Object Of Affection

From Portsherry

My wife's the double of the blonde one in Abba.

I can never remember whether it's Benny or Björn.

Faraday Cage Tour

From xkcd

I went to a wedding in a Faraday cage...

There was no reception

Casual Friday

From Mark Lynch

My wife was standing naked looking at herself in the mirror last night and asked, "What would you say is the best thing about me?"

I said "Your sandwiches".

Mixed Metaphors

From Real Life Adventures

For all those who like to compare a situation with Star Wars to explain it better:

metaphors be with you.

Baywatch

 

From Reality Check

My wife had a breast reduction last year.

She's down to just the two now.

The French Have A Word For That

From The Jenkins

'Gymnasium' is an ancient Greek word meaning 'naked exercise' but try telling that to the receptionist at Fitness First.

First Steps

From Speedbump

Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.

Phone Clock

From Loose Parts

Her: Let's exchange numbers.

Him: Won't that just confuse people who are trying to call us?

Kinda Surprise

What do you call an expired avocado?

Guaca-moldy

Choice

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I got some of that sensitive toothpaste last winter when the water was cold.

I wish I hadn't bothered; it gets jealous whenever I use other toothpaste.

Attenborough

From Bird and Moon

Earlier this year in a charity shop I bought an old vinyl single called "Sounds Wasps Make" out of curiosity.

I finally played it the other day and said to myself "This doesn't sound like wasps"

Then I realised I was playing the Bee side.

Future Tech Market

From 9to5

Q. How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Three.

     One to change the bulb.

     One to sing about how good the old bulb used to be.

     And one to complain that the new bulb has gone electric.

Reading Position

From Liniers Cartoon

I hate hotel towels.

Sometimes they're so thick and fluffy I can hardly close my suitcase.

Time, The Great Educator

 From Cyanide & Happiness

My wife said to me "If I ever get Alzheimer's I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "That's the fifth time you've said that today"

Turning Back Time

From Looks Good On Paper

A 90 year old woman walks by her bathroom on the last Saturday night of October and sees her 90 year old husband.

He has a can of black spray paint and is spray painting his nether regions.

She stops and yells, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"

The Chocolate

From JimBenton

Why do mathematicians confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

Multitasking

From Dilbert

An Easy Way To Remember Which Way The Clocks Go In Autumn:

The evenings are creeping in.

The collective noun for a group of tortoises is a creep.

The combined weight of 9 African spurred tortoises is approximately 365Kg.

There are 365 days in a year on the planet earth.

The best way to move mounds of earth is with a bulldozer.

Bulldozer rhymes with Composer.

One of the most recognised composers was Johann Christian Bach.

Bach sounds like Back.

Back. The clocks go back.