Old Jokes

  

    

   

There's a rumour going round that Spandau Ballet are going to re-release one of their old singles.

I hope it's not True.

The View

From Tyson Cole

Head & Shoulders should make a body wash called Knees & Toes.

Hell Will Freeze Over Before She's Satisfied

From Wumo

Argentina is surprisingly cold.

In fact, it's bordering on Chile!

Get Together

From Mark Lynch

My wife texted me this morning, she said, “Your great”.

I texted her back, “No, you’re great”.

She’s been happy all day since.

I think I should correct her grammar more often.

Breakfast TV

From Twonk Comics

One red card, two penalties, five goals, eleven minutes of extra time and a blood pressure too high to count.

Probably beats the usual two Weetabix and a shower before the working week starts.

Taking Phone Calls At Work

From Bliss

"Hello, is that the cricket club?"

"Yes."

"Could I speak to Mike please?"

"I'm sorry, he's in at the moment. I'll get him to call you back when he's out!"

Unintended Consequences

From Liniers Cartoon

Jesus is standing in for St. Peter at the gates to Heaven when an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" asks Jesus.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son, his birth was miraculous; still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day."

Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?"

The man looks back and replies; "Pinocchio?"

Reserved

From Leigh Rubin

Q. What's your favourite month?

A. July.

Q. Why July?

Q. I didn't.

Purr Pressure

From OffTheMark

I don't believe in peer pressure.

Unless my friends do.

Sawing Ladies

From Cornered

I failed my entrance exam to get into The Magic Circle.

It wasn’t fair, they were all trick questions!

Developing Problem

From At Random Comics

Me: I need batteries so that I can tell what time it is.

Friend: Is it for a clock?

Me: I don’t know, that’s why I need the batteries.

Breeze

From Twonk Comics

My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly . . .

I'm not a fan.

Staying Power

At the rate he’s going, King Charles could surpass his mother's record of 15 prime ministers before the end of 2026!

It's Our Anniversary

From Faceless

Last year I booked a table for me and my wife for our anniversary.

Total waste of time; she couldn't even pot a red!

Egyptian Pool

From Speedbump

Did you know:

The only reason that there are pyramids in Egypt is because . . .

. . . they are too heavy to carry to the British Museum.

Messy Extrapolation

From xkcd

There are two types of people in the world.

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

How Placebos Work

From GoatToSelf

Affirmations work?

Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.

FCH

From Bassie Gracie

Momma Bird's Café

From Close to Home by John McPherson

What sort of birds stick together?

Vel-crows.

The Call Of The Wild

From Andertoons

Why do ducks have tail feathers?

To cover their bum quacks.

It's Coming . . .

From Jonesy

What part of their jobs do painters hate most in the summertime?

Having to put on two coats.

Sending Off

From Jonesy

The Three Musketeers Football Club have had some good results this season . . .

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-4

While The Cat's Away

From Strange Brew

I Like To Count Backwards On Wednesdays

 

I like to count backwards on Wednesdays,

It's something that I’ve always done,

I start at a thousand and twenty,

and stop at a hundred and one.

 

I like to count backwards on Wednesdays,

As a hobby it makes me unique,

It's something that gives me an interest in life

And I find it helps break up the week.

 

When I first began counting backwards,

My troubles and woes disappeared,

A friend of mine says he counts sideways,

But he's always been a bit weird.

 

I like to count backwards on Wednesdays,

It's good for both spirit and mind,

Someone asked if I’d do it on Thursdays,

Suffice it to say I declined.

 

I like to count backwards on Wednesdays,

And I hope you now understand why,

If you don't I can't help any further.

I've another appointment - goodbye.

 

John Dredge

Crocodile Smile?

From Andertoons

Did you know King Henry VIII had an insatiable sweet tooth and was particularly fond of honey?

It's why two of his wives were bee-headed.

What Everyone With A Student Loan Needs

From The Jenkins

A lorry has shed its load of electrical goods on the M57 in Liverpool.

Police said the road will be closed for about 5 minutes.

The Cycle

From Remi Lascault

Why did the baker have brown hands?

He needed a poo.

Plaque Widow

From The Argyle Sweater

My dentist asked me how long it had been since I flossed

I said “you should know that, you were there”.

Reorganisation

From Dilbert

Every time I go to work, I hide in what I think is the best place available.

Because, I heard, that good employees are hard to find.

Portraits

From JimBenton

I just got back from the barbers.

I had a number two all over.

He was livid.

Fishing

From Ben Chen

Son: “How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?”

Dad: “I don’t know; how many?”

Son: “Ten tickles.”

Dad: “Yeah, but only the male octopus is ticklish.”

Son: “Huh?”

Dad: “Yeah, the females are not ticklish at all; just the males. You know how you can tell if an octopus is a male octopus?”

Son: “No; how?

Dad: “Test tickles.”

Son: “That’s inappropriate.”

Point Of No Return

From Loose Parts

My girlfriend told me that she slept with 5 people before we met.

I usually wouldn’t mind, but I was only 20 minutes late!

3 x 9 = ?

From xkcd

If I had 50p for every maths exam I've failed . . .

. . . I'd have 7.30 by now.

Sharing

From Jonesy

I've cut down on my drinking, and now only have one vodka before going to bed.

Last night I went to bed eight times.

Sharing

From LunarBaboon

I love putting on warm underwear straight out of the dryer.

Plus, it's fun to look around the launderette and guess who they belong to.

Giraffe Toilet

From At Random Comics

Why can’t you hear when a pterodactyl goes to the toilet?

Because they have a silent p.

Another Broken Vase

From War and Peas

They told me I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic but so far I’ve made 2 jugs and a vase!

Wax Work

From OffTheMark

I just spent ages waxing my car.

I’m still not quite sure how it gets so hairy.

Diabetes Placebo Test

From Cornered

I was just on a diabetes information website.

It asked if I would accept cookies.

Is that a trick question?

Don’t Bite The Hound That Feeds You

From Bliss

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A labracadabradoodle.

Parent / Teacher Evening

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.

The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.

After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"

Understand Your Cat's Behaviour

From Scott Metzger

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines.

Cats can.

Rise And Shine

From Buni Comic

I always keep an empty milk bottle in my fridge, just in case someone wants a black coffee.

Last Item On The Bucket List

From Mark Lynch

My Bucket list:

1. Pail

2. Ice Bucket

3. Mop Bucket

4. Climb Mt. Everest

5. Sandcastle Bucket

6. Car Washing Bucket

From The Gentleman At The Bar

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?”

The dog points to steak in a glass case.

“How many pounds?” asks the butcher.

The dog barks twice.

“Anything else?”

The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times.

So, the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out.

A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several streets away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!”

“Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”

Disappointing News

From Twonk Comics

After spending 20 minutes trying to get the wife’s bra off, I’ve given up.

I wish that I’d never put it on now.

Big Data

From smbc

It blows my mind that NASA is able to receive data from 4.67 billion miles away, but I lose the wifi signal when I walk into the kitchen.

Who's The Good Boy?

From Reality Check

I find it really embarrassing when guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their crotch.

Especially as he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up.