Logjam

From Bird and Moon

What do you call a bird that's afraid of heights?

A chicken.

Cinch

From Loose Parts

How do you get a snake into Hogwarts?

You tell it to slither in.

Never Make A Promise You Can't Keep

From Andertoons

The Truth About The Beatles

John was the brain

Paul was the heart

George was the spirit

Ringo was the drummer

Hair Art

From Jonesy

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:

-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?

-Sure.

-It's pretty much worthless.

-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.

Why You Don't Divulge Your Job

From Speedbump

A man at the fair was giving good advice for £1

I gave him £1 and he told me, "stop wasting money."

White Bread

From Loading Artist

What is a duck’s drug of choice?

Quack

How do you legalize Quack?

You start by passing a bill.

Memory Loss Mattress

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

"What do we want!?"

"A cure for amnesia!"

"What did we want?"

Suicidal Thoughts

From AThirdThing

“Doctor, those pills you gave me are working well but they are making walk like a crab”.

“Oh, that’ll be the side effects”

Hypochondriacs Anonymous

From Cornered

Which disease are hypochondriacs sure that they don't have?

Hypochondria

This Season's Fashion

From Buni Comic

Why is Pride month in the summer, rather than during the autumn season?

Because the Pride comes before the fall.

Better Batteries

From Wumo

From Wumo

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

Threesome

From Bliss

From Reality Check

There are three unwritten rules in life:

 

1.                                                          

2.                                                          

3.                                                          

What I Did In The Summer Holidays

From OffTheMark

Why can keyboards never sleep?

Because they have two shifts.

Octotwister

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

What do humans and octopuses have in common?

Two sets of forearms.

Bored

From Mark Lynch

I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

ROFLMB

From JimBenton

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked frowning.

“Sorry, force of habit!” I chuckled.

“Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

Poor Picnic Packing

From Bliss

Sweet dreams are made of cheese

Who am I to diss-a-Brie?

I cheddar the world and the feta cheese,

everybody’s looking for Stilton.

Hair BnB

From TheArgyleSweater

Yesterday I put a giant map of the world up on the kitchen wall and gave my wife a dart.

I told her wherever it lands is where we go on holiday next year.

It looks like we're going to be spending three weeks behind the fridge.

Yakini

From Scott Metzger

What kind of creature do you get when you mix a yak and a lion?

A maney-yak.

CamoCon

From The Jenkins

I just received my ticket to the Fibonacci convention!

I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.

Human Emotion

From smbc

I got really emotional at the petrol pump this morning.

I don't know why but I just started filling up.

Goldilocks Epilogue

From Wrong Hands

It's called 'Getting your guns out' because you have the right to bare arms.

Pudding

From GoodBearComics

Me: “I’ll have the steak please”

Waiter: “How do you like it?”

Me: “I don’t know you haven’t given it to me yet”

Mules

From Andertoons

I divorced my wife because she was too loud in bed.

I could hear her from two houses down the street.

Yus M'Lady

What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir-line.

Potential Breakthrough

From Jonesy

I was going to post a social media joke.

But I'm pretty sure you have already Reddit.

Chat-Up Mishap

From Speedbump

So let me get this straight.

I go to the supermarket and buy some sliced ham wrapped in plastic, a loaf of bread in a plastic bag, 4 pints of milk in a plastic bottle and a plastic bottle of ketchup.

And they won’t give me a plastic bag to carry it home because the plastic bag is bad for the environment?

Caring Community

From Bizarro

Today at the park

Saw a six foot tall pigeon

Now that's a high coo!

Reward

From Don't Hit Save

I read that taking your bike to work is good for the environment.

So, I thought why not?

I'm not using that roof rack for anything else!

Directions

From Joseph Nowak

Travel Update:

Reports are coming in that a lorry carrying snooker equipment has overturned on the A69 near Carlisle,

Motorists are advised to avoid the area if possible as there are cues in both directions.

Solution

I entered a competition to find the most considerate lover.

I came second.

Lure

From Buni Comic

My mate took his Grandad to one of those fancy Health Spas where tiny

little fish eat all the dead skin.

It cost him £65, but it was a lot cheaper than a cremation.

Home Alone

From GoodBearComics

Him: I saw you walking your dogs yesterday.

Her: They’re not my dogs, they’re my sister’s.

Him: Your sisters sure are ugly.

When You Order Wine

From Truth Facts

I found a wallet with £20 in it.

I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So, I turned it into wine.

Attention

From OffTheMark

I was recently diagnosed with attention something something.

Steps

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

My ex-girlfriend used to say to me, “Every time you act like a child, we get one step closer to splitting up”.

And I used to say, “Are we nearly there yet?”

Timing Is Everything

From Mark Lynch

Interviewer: “So, where do you see yourself in five years?”

Me: “I'd say my biggest weakness is not listening properly.”

Sin

From JimBenton

Jesus sacrificed his life for your sins . . .

. . . except he came back.

So, what did he really sacrifice?

His weekend?

Jesus sacrificed his weekend for your sins.

It's 'Round Here Somewhere

From Bliss

My son: Dad, I’ve lost my dictionary.

Me: Have you looked upstairs?

My son: Dad! I can’t look up anything.

All A-Bored

From Monster Picnic

Boss: This is the third time you've been late this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: It's Wednesday?

Intimate Examination

From Slipshod Squiggles

I walked into a fertility clinic.

The nurse said, "I can already tell what your problem is."

I said, "How?"

She said, "That was the back door".

Beached Body Ready

From Scott Metzger

Dating Problems - My Eyes Are . . .

From TheArgyleSweater

I went out for a winter walk this morning and found a box of frozen fish on the pavement.

I was going to hand it in to the police, but then decided it was a case of Findus Kippers!

Writer's Block

From Wrong Hands

I got kicked out of our Writers Block support group today

It made me really

What A Way To Make A Living

The 925 to Woking will be D Parton in 2 minutes

Dolly Parton Quotes:

"It costs a lot of money to look this cheap."

 

"I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb . . . and I also know that I’m not blonde."

 

"People always ask me how long it takes to do my hair.  I don’t know, I’m never there."

How Do You Do

From Liz Climo

Why can't humans hear a dog whistle?

Because dogs can't whistle.

Now They Just Need To Be Wired In

From Kendra Allenby

I've finally saved up enough for solar panels.

What's holding me back is that I can't afford a house.

Centre For Reincarnation Studies

From Speedbump

My health insurance company refused to pay my bill because I believe in reincarnation.

They said I had a pre-existing condition.