Dawn Chorus Day

From Stephen Collins

Observer Effect Day

From The Jenkins

My geography teacher asked me if I could name a country with no R in it.

I said, “No way”.

Clown Babies

How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

Funny Face

From JimBenton

I’ve just got back from my plastic surgery support group.

There were a lot of new faces there today.

Hiatus

From Mark Lynch

Apparently reincarnation is making a comeback.

Dog Wisdom

From HeyBuddy

My friend and I watched five films on Netflix back-to-back.

Luckily, I was the one facing the tv.

Perfect Couple

What has four legs and flies?

Two pairs of trousers.

Sharing With Friends

“Excuse me madam, can I smell your pussy?”

“No, of course not.”

“Oh, it must be your feet then.”

When You Wish Upon A Star

From StrangeTrek

I used to work for the circus.

I was a human cannonball.

Until they fired me.

Cat Burglar

From OffTheMark

I never thought that I'd be the sort of person who'd wake up early in the morning to exercise.

I was right.

AI Café

From Pardon My Planet

I was in a restaurant when a waitress shouted "ANYONE KNOW CPR?"

I said "Yeah I know the whole alphabet!"

Everyone laughed.

Well, everyone except this one guy!

Threesome

From Bliss

I bought a mail order bride but I was out when she was delivered so now she’s married to the bloke next door.

Every Book You Ever Wanted

There was a fire drill at IKEA yesterday . . .

. . . we all assembled in the car park!

Visiting Ararat

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

I've just checked my home insurance policy, and apparently if my duvet is stolen in the middle of the night, I'm not covered!

Bonus

From Buni Comic

I am on a diet and my friend asked me how it's going.

"Not good", I said, "I had eggs for breakfast."

"Fried?" He asked.

"Chocolate!" I replied.

Opposites Attract

From Mark Lynch

Why do polar bears only live at the north pole?

Because if they also lived at the south pole, they would be bipolar bears.

Going The Extra Mile

From Twonk Comics

I was in a taxi the other day and the driver asked, “Is it okay if I put some music on?”

I responded, “Yeah, that’s fine, go ahead”.

He said, “Kiss?”.

I replied, “Look, just play the music first and then we’ll see how I feel”.

Open

From smbc

I’m not saying I’m old but when I was a kid if someone said they were on the Spectrum it meant they’d sat on your computer.

Puked Lunch

From Rhymes With Orange

A man was in the habit of getting drunk several times a week.

Enough is enough thought his wife, so she told him, “If you come home drunk once more, I’m leaving you”

The man went out that night with the best of intentions but ended up drinking so much that he vomited all over himself.

“My goodness, I appear to have vomited all over myself” he proclaimed.

“I smell of regurgitated spirits”, he said to his drinking companion, “now my wife will leave me”.

“Fear not” said the drinking companion, “Just walk in with £20 in your hand and say that someone else vomited on you and then gave you £20 for dry cleaning”.

So, the man went home and when he was accused of being drunk explained, “No, no dear I’m not drunk, see I was given £20 by the man who vomited all over me so that I could have my clothes dry cleaned.”

“Is that so”, asked his wife. “Then tell me, why do you have another £20 in your other hand?”

“Oh”, said the man, ”that was from the guy who shat in my pants.”

Where's My Easter Egg

Why is bread the body of Christ?

Because he is risen.

Nightime Fairy

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I had to get my pet lizard some Valium as he has been a bit stressed out.

Now he's a calmer, calmer, calmer chameleon!

Pigeon Acoustics

Bagpipes are the only instrument that, when you learn to play them properly, sound exactly the same as when you started.

Fools

From At Random Comics

Today is the perfect day to propose because if they say no, you can just pretend it was a prank.

Also, does anybody want to buy a ring?

Poor Planning

From Reality Check

From Speedbump

If you're American when you go into the toilet

And American when you leave the toilet

What are you whilst you're using the toilet?

Eurapeeing.

Turtle Soup

From Joseph Nowak

It's the start of a brand new week, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

Spring Forward

From Stephen Collins

It took me ages to change all the clocks in my house.

There's an hour of my life I'll never get back.

Whack-a-Mole Sales

From Andertoons

I gave my long-standing friend some advice…

"Sit down!"

Decision Making

From Loose Parts

I bought a self-assembly bookcase but it didn't work so I had to make it myself.

What Animals Have Taught Me

 

From JimBenton

What do you call a baby manatee?

A boyatee

Beaver Bathtime

From The Argyle Sweater

I hate hotel bath towels.

Sometimes, they are so thick and fluffy that I can't even close my suitcase.

Quiet Business

From Leigh Rubin

What do you call an Irishman who bounces off walls?

Rick O'Shey

Early Departure

From Mark Lynch

Why can't T-Rexes clap their hands?

Because they're extinct.

Carbon Dating

Three years ago, I asked my crush to go out with me.

Last week, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

What Happens When You Watch The News

From OffTheMark

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

Easy Decision

From Pardon My Planet

Housework is boring, and it is futile.

You make the bed; you do the dishes.

Six months later, you've got to start all over again.

Sign Of Trouble

From Bliss

My Wife and I were recommended to try a sperm donor.

So we did, but neither of us liked it.

Next time we're sticking to our regular kebabs.

Every Advert Now

From Stephen Collins

Sad news: the inventor of Chinese Whispers has died.

May he test tinned peas.

Mother's Day Begins

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

You're Toast Mate

From Buni Comic

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Pacpie

I love pie.

I could eat it 22/7

Pre-Voyage Safety Announcement

From Mark Lynch

The more I get to know people, the more I realise why Noah only let animals onto his ark.

Ideal Dinner Date

From Twonk Comics

Date: "What do you do?"

Me: *holds up menu* "You just choose a meal from this book of food"

Be Honest

From Faceless

No man has ever won a game of, "Notice anything different about me?"

ReBoot

From smbc

I've donated sperm so often that I get turned on by those plastic cups.

Also, I'm banned from Tupperware parties.

Organic Growth Business Plan

From Rhymes With Orange

Bananas make things around them ripen faster and this is why you never see a young greengrocer.

Skill

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I used to work in a warehouse and one day I had a very heavy box to pick up.

I wasn't sure what the best way to do it was so I sent a message to my boss asking him and he texted straight back.

Negotiation

From At Random Comics

A wealthy looking man walks into a bar and sees a young, attractive woman.

He approaches her and asks, "Excuse me, Miss. I was curious, would you be willing to sleep with me for £10?"

She responds, "Absolutely not, leave me alone".

So he continues, "How about for a million pounds transferred to your bank account before we start?"

Now she looks interested. "Of course, a million pounds would set me up for life".

But he doesn't stop there, "Will you sleep with me for £50?"

This time she answers, "Not at all. What kind of woman do you think I am?"

The man replies, "We have already established that. Now we're just haggling over the price."

Shell Shock

From Speedbump

The maternity ward at the hospital . . .

. . . should really be called the emerge-ncy room.

Menu Choice

From Andertoons

From Andertoons

From Andertoons

From Rubes

I’ve just been to a restaurant where they served roast pelican . . .

. . . it was very tasty, but the bill was enormous!