Complaints To Thomas Cook

The Most Beautiful Woman In The World

‘Don, can I ask you something?’

‘One question.’

‘Do you find me attractive?’

Gene told me the next day that I got it wrong? But he was not in a taxi, after an evening of total sensory overload, with the most beautiful woman in the world. I believed I did well. I detected the trick question. I wanted Rosie to like me, and I remembered her passionate statement about men treating women as objects. She was testing to see if I saw her as an object or as a person. Obviously the correct answer was the latter.

‘I haven’t really noticed,’ I told the most beautiful woman in the world.

Paleo Diet

From Bizarro

Nice Melons

Countdown

From LunarBaboon

Learning Curve

From smbc

Diamond Illusion

 

 

All the diamonds are the same colour

From Mighty Optical Illusions

Cosplay

From Bizarro

A Photon Checks Into A Hotel

Rusty's Last Day

From TheArgyleSweater

More Gary Delaney Jokes

Jokes about colour blindness make me see red (or possibly green).

If I was Bill Gates' Doctor and he came to me with a health problem I'd just say 'Something has gone wrong' and leave it at that.

Just reading Gardener's World magazine. I'm particularly enjoying the lettuce page.

The boiler broke last night and we had to get a man out. How he got in there in the first place I'll never know.

I have no beef with vegetarians.

What do you call a group of collective nouns?

The surgeon just carried out a lobotomy against my wishes; I've half a mind to complain.

I'm pleased to see that first issue of 'Constipation Monthly' magazine comes with a free ring binder.

I once saw the face of Jesus in some soup, but luckily I woke him up before he drowned.

To be honest I'm not enjoying reading Moby Dick, but I'm determined to finish it even if it kills me.

Just eaten a boil-in-the-bag meal, and I have to say, you could really taste the boils.

Of course, to successfully claim disability benefit these days you have to jump through a lot of hoops.

If a man watches too much por*og*rapy it eventually changes his whole attitude towards sl*gs.

Romance? Dead?

From PainTrain

Comparison

From Faceless

Ladies & Unicorns

From Buni Comic

From Buni Comic

Megson - The Longshot

Megson - The Longshot - YouTube

Was a pretty good game today, we could a won by two or three
But all of the lads were there, even cousins Joe and Steve
And old Bob sittin' on the end, what a foul mouth that man's got
When they missed the goal from the penalty box, I swear he was gonna get shot

Well thanks for my half time pie, cousin Joe says thanks for his scone
I didn't have a go at the half time draw, cos the odds were 10, 000 to one
But old Bob sittin' on the end, puts the fivers on each week,
And when I asked him what the heck he did it for, he said 'son, one day you'll see'

You take the long shot, if that's all there is,
And put it in a very safe place where your doubt can't get to it
Cos once you're certain, that all hope is gone, a long shot is better than none...

Was a shocker of a game today, the lads they huffed and puffed, but
3 nil down by the half time break, I knew we were gonna get stuffed
But old Bob stuck out to the end, and when we nicked two quick goals in
And their keeper ran out to the half way line, well should have heard Bobby sing

;
You take the long shot, if that's all there is,
And put it in a very safe place where your doubt can't get to it
Cos once you're certain, that all hope is gone, a long shot is better than none...

INSTRUMENTAL

Was a quiet old game today, we haven't seen Bob for a month, and
Everyone knows he's not coming back, but his seat's still never been touched
And Joe said he'd heard the worst, that he'd finally popped his socks
But I reckon the sod won his half time draw, now he sits in a corporate box
He took his long shot, took his long shot

Was a critical game today, well we got thumped seven to nowt, but
If there was a prize for the best own goal, I think we'd be in with a shout
But Joe was miserable as sin, and Steve said he's gutted too, cos
There's sod all chance that we can stay up now, but I said any old chance'll do

I'll take the long shot, if that's all there is,
And put it in a very safe place where your doubt can't get to it
Cos once you're certain, that all hope is gone, a long shot is better than none...
a long shot is better than none...

Essential Job Skills

From Bizarro

Public Hair

PMS should be called ovary-acting.

Outdated memes should be called memeries.

Volcanoes should be called mountain-fountains.

Hair on your head should be called public hair.

A driveway should be called a parkway, and a parkway should be called a driveway.

Fun size chocolate bars should be called sad size.

The roof of your mouth should be called the ceiling.

Bedrooms should be called restrooms.

Life jackets should be called float coats.

Fat people should be called skinny because they have more skin surface area.

Pregnant women should be called body builders.

Microwaveable bowls should be called microwave-a-bowls.

Small breasts should be called petits.

A group of squid should be called a squad.

Damaged goods should be called bads.

Haemorrhoids should be called asstroids.

Bras should be called booby traps.

The backs of knees should be called kneepits.

Adopt A Healthy Lifestyle

From smbc

Rhino Artist

 

 

Eye Halve A Spelling Checker

Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marks four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
It's rare lea ever wrong.

Eye Have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.