Trip To The Beach

From Andertoons

The best thing about being a man is the ability to explain things you don't understand.

Calendars

From OffTheMark

Monday        -        Greg

Tuesday       -        Ian

Wednesday  -        Greg

Thursday     -        Ian

Friday          -        Greg

Saturday      -        Ian

Sunday         -        Greg

 

The Gregorian Calendar

More Beautiful

From Bliss

What do you call a Frenchman with no kids who tells a Dad Joke?

Un Faux Pa.

The Ballad Of Railroad Man

From Cyanide & Happiness

Treats

From JimBenton

Customer: I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.

Me: Sorry, we only take cash.

Manager: Can I talk to you?

Brainstorming

From Dilbert

Life Tip:

I've found that if you tuck one bit of your trouser leg into your socks people expect less of you.

Some Enchanted Evening

From Bird and Moon

Insects are apparently the superfood of the future.

I tried eating caterpillars but it made me too nervous.

Gave me butterflies in my stomach.

Being Watched

From Tom Gauld

My brother just can't stop watching old re-runs of Wonder Woman and Xena Princess Warrior.

Up to five episodes a day.

I think he's a heroine addict.

Cave Art

From Bizarro

From Rhymes With Orange

From 9to5

From Strange Brew

From Loose Parts

Wanted:

Someone to feed me doritos so that my fingers don't get all orange.

No weirdos.

Work Life Balance

From Dinos and Comics

The economy in the UK is getting so dire that the elderly aren't getting to enjoy their retirement.

The BBC interviewed 73 year old Charles from Windsor who said, "Despite having a generous government pension, I've had to start working again."

Love Birds

From Loading Artist

I ordered a whole duck at the Chinese last night.

It was great until I got to the bill.

Chocolate Box

From Reality Check

My Valentine's Day Plans

1. Breakfast in bed

2. Chocolates

3. Watch a romantic film

4. Dinner for two

5. Regret eating two dinners

Green Eggs and Spam

From Looks Good On Paper

What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

E-Section

From Rhymes With Orange

A midwife calls a doctor for some help.

"Doctor she's been in labour for 36 hours, we need to do a c section."

"Not so fast," says the doctor, "there's one more thing to try."

He goes to the obviously pained mother to be and says "what do you call maids in space."

After the woman gives him a blank stare the doctor says "Vacuum cleaners"

Upon hearing this joke the woman cringes so hard that she expels the healthy crying baby.

Relieved, the new mother says "Thank you doctor but that's the worst joke I ever heard."

The doctor smiled and said "the punchline sucks but the delivery was perfect."

Desperate Situation

From AThirdThing

I lost my haiku

Please tell me if you see it.

Thank you very much.

Falling Asleep

From Dark Side Of The Horse

You know, playing Tetris has taught me a valuable life lesson.

If you try to fit in, you'll disappear.

Pengtastic

From Liniers Cartoon

Who is a penguin's favourite family member?

Aunt Arctic.

Appeeling Banana

From Strange Brew

Apples are a lot like oranges.

They're both fruit, they both grow on trees and you can't compare them to each other.

Country Music

From Bliss

Country music is played all over the world

because

national anthems are country music.

Labradoodle

From Looks Good On Paper

The man who cross breeds labradors and poodles will be adequate for the job at hand.

Or to put it another way:

The labradoodle dude'll do.