Reach and Touch

From Dilbert

I've got a friend who was telling me that he was feeling bad because he couldn't pay his water bill.

So, I sent him a get well card.

Rose Petal Path

From BerkeleyMews

Just impressed a woman with a bottle of lemonade.

I Schwepped her off her feet.

Aeroplane

From Cyanide & Happiness

I've designed an aeroplane made entirely from rubber, so if it crashed, it would bounce.

It's a boing 747

Bunny Pit

From The Perry Bible Fellowship

My mate set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby."

I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!

Animal News

From War and Peas

I like to take the kids to the marsupial enclosure at feeding time in the evening.

I think it's important to spend koala tea time with the children.

A Day In The Life Of Young Thomas Edison

From Sunny Street

The inventor of autocorrect died

The funnel will be held tomato.

Rock Of Ages

From The Other Coast

When I was a child my parents played Madness and The Specials all day every day.

It was horrendous.

They Ska'd me for life.

You Get What You Pay For

I told my mate I was a big fan of Beyoncé.

He said "Whatever floats your boat".

I said "No mate, that's buoyancy".

Working With Animals

From Faceless

Bono and The Edge walk into a bar and the barman groans, "oh no, not U2 again".

It's The Thought That Counts

 

From Liz Climo

Cop: "We found evidence – a raspberry beret outside the second-hand store"

Forensic Technician: "We better dust it for Prince".

Oyster Therapy

From Skeleton Claw

The most flamboyant chess player of the 80's was Grandmaster Flash.

The Ascent Of Pig

From Buni Comic

I walked into a place called Hotel California the other day and ordered a Carsebridge 52 Year Old whisky on the rocks.

The barman looked at me confused and said "We haven't had that spirit here since 1969".

In Your House

From smbc

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Britney Spears.

Britney Spears who?

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Oops I did It again!

Milking It

From Scribbly G

I don't drink cow milk, because I'm not a baby cow.

However, I do drink almond milk, because I'm a little nutty!

Dog's Diner

From Andertoons

The latest research suggests that the average dog barks around 234 times a day.

Of course, that's just a woof estimate!

The Yard

From Rhymes With Orange

The Prime minister wants everyone to learn maths until they're 18.

I finished studying maths at 16.

What difference would the extra three years have made?

Caution

From Reality Check

I don't want to brag but I just put my USB stick into my laptop the right way round on the first attempt.

Pro tip: It's the metal end.

Epithet Heirarchy

From Wrong Hands

A petrol station owner in Newport was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'A Chance to win Free Sex with a Fill Up'.

Frank pulled in the following week, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Frank guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, Frank, along with his friend Burt, pulled in for another fill-up.

Again, he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Frank guessed 2.

The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3.

You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, Burt said to Frank, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.

"Frank replied, "No, no, it's genuine enough Burt. My wife won twice last week."

Fin, The Film

From OffTheMark

I told you not to mention that James Bond film.

Never say Never Say Never Again again.

How To Deal With Embarrassing Medical Problems

From JimBenton

My wife was concerned that my Sinéad O'Connor obsession was getting out of hand.

So, I went to the doctor.

Guess what he told me.

Guess what he told me.

Selection Bias

From xkcd

Animal meeting at the zoo.

Lion: You're late, we said meet at sunset.

Giraffe: But I can still see the sun, you guys are all early.

Start The Month With Some Delaneys

I recently took my naval exams. I got seven Cs.

 

To a pearl the world is their oyster.

 

The tensest crowd I've ever seen was at the funeral of the man who invented the Jack-in-the-box.

 

One time I took a sleeper train, but it got activated and I woke up in Moscow.

 

One time I was lucky enough to see Fats Domino in concert, unfortunately he fell over, and then the rest of his band fell over too.

 

I recently took my apiary exams. I got a B.

 

I can't believe today is national premature ejaculation day already. It comes quicker every year.

 

Needless speech marks are bad enough, but unnecessary apostrophes are grocer.

 

I just tried to use the Turing Test website but I couldn't get past the I'm Not a Robot screen.

 

I'm not saying I was a geeky at school, but I once turned a picture of a topless woman upside down to see if it said 58008.

 

Statisticians seem nice at first but in the end they always revert to mean. 

 

I went for a job with EasyJet. They said where do you see yourself in 5 years time? I said 50 miles away from where I claimed I was going, and they gave me the job.

 

Boxing gloves don't have fingers so they should really be called boxing mittens.

 

They say every cigarette takes 11 minutes off your life, and it's true. When I started smoking I was 84.