Hook

From Faceless

My local golf shop is selling all its stock to stay in business. The putters, drivers and irons are all gone, but they’re not out of the woods yet.

Balancing Act

From Little Porpoise

In The Not Too Distant Future

From Mark Lynch

I just checked my emails, only to find it full of the usual offers, such as penis extensions, Viagra, hair loss cures, how to keep your woman satisfied, how to lose weight quickly etc. I wouldn't mind, but they're all from the missus.

The Daily Grind

From The Bent Pinky by Scott Metzger

I accidentally just knocked a lady over in Domino's Pizza. Well, I say one…

Picatso

From Rhymes With Orange

A cub scout just came to my door asking if I wanted any odd jobs doing. I've got him glittering an aardvark.

Playing The Long Game

From smbc

and while we're in the area . . .

From War and Peas

 

Preventing Life

From ExtraFabulousComics

Just noticed a sign on a pub door saying Guide Dogs Only. That's possibly the most niche pub ever.

Fountain Of Youth

From Toonhole

I went to the swimming baths today and had a pee in the deep end. The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.

Fiddler Crab

From Sunny Street

Targeted Freds

Business Assessment

 

From BerkeleyMews

There's a strange new trend at the office. People are putting names on food in the fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich called Linda.

Massage

From LunarBaboon

[first day as a pilot]

Control Tower: "What are your coordinates?"

Me: "I'm by a cloud that looks like a lion"

Control Tower: "Can you be more specific?"

Me: "Simba"

Vegetative

From LightRoastComics

People say that if we want to save the planet, we should all be vegan. I say we should all be cannibals. If everyone ate one other person, they would reduce their carbon footprint by 50%. If you really want to make a difference, eat a pilot.

You Must Be This Tall

From TheArgyleSweater

To give us something to do during lockdown my wife and I have enrolled in an online hat making course.

This time next year we'll be milliners.

Tricky Diagnosis

From JimBenton

Animal Behaviour

From Bliss

From Bliss

From Bliss

From Bliss

Grim Reapers

From Will McPhail

Petting Zoo

From Speedbump

Animal Articulate

From Scott Metzger

From Scott Metzger

From Scott Metzger

Live Recording

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

Ark Identification

From Wrong Hands

Zombie Balloon

 

A Further Course Of Gary Delaney

I was never a fan of being an organ donor, but then I had a change of heart.

 

The hardest part of a traditional Greek divorce is gluing all the plates back together.

 

When I heard the ferry carrying the transplant organs had capsized my heart sank.

 

Dolphins who die without any money are given a porpoise funeral.

 

My house is haunted by the ghost of Britain's first ever dental hygienist.  English Heritage keep putting up plaques in her honour, and then every six months she removes them.

 

My cousin always introduces himself as Stephen with a ph; and that's because he's slightly acidic.

 

If you think kale and Açai berries are superfoods then you're going to lose your shit when you try ice cream.

 

Sure everyone cares about straws killing dolphins now, but they've been breaking camels' backs for years.

 

My older brother once threatened to fart on my head, but I didn't expect him to follow through.

 

I've a friend whose surname is Death, although technically it's pronounced Deàth, as it has a grave accent.

 

Opening up Google and forgetting what you wanted to look up is the new walking into a room and forgetting what you went in for.

 

A man has been found guilty of overusing commas, the judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.

 

I think Tom Cruise could have made a lot more films if he wasn't constantly getting caricatures of his face done in Leicester Square.

 

First, they came for the mimes, and I said nothing because I was a mime.

 

When they buried the man who invented Tetris the whole cemetery disappeared.

 

One time I persuaded my kid brother to swallow a torch. It was worth it just to see his little face light up.

 

According to the vet my cat's in heat. I didn't even know she was famous.

 

I'm not saying I'm unlucky but when I went to DFS to buy a sofa, the sale had finished.

 

There was an old man,

from Limerick who wanted,

to be a haiku.

It Was The Best Of Times, It Was The Worst Of Times

From Break of Day

From Bliss

From Cyanide & Happiness