Self Cleaning Oven

From Yaffle by Jeffrey Caulfield and Brian Ponshock

As I was sitting drinking my morning cup of tea in my slippers, I thought to myself . . .

. . . I really must wash some cups!

Imaginary Friends

From JimBenton

Did you know . . .

. . . that you can fly from any airport in the country without posting it on Facebook?

Protection Racket

From Will McPhail

I Saw a Huge Seagull Today

It was big enough to be a D Gull.

But not quite big enough to be an Eagle.

Caught In The Lights

From Bizarro

I saw an Irish dancing show today called 'Streamdance'.

It's not quite as good as 'Riverdance', but then it is only a tributary act.

Choosing Underwear

From C Section Comics

"Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing", I said to my wife.

"Wear your own then", she replied.

Liked

From Liniers Cartoon

The man that invented the Yo-Yo died yesterday.

He was lowered into his grave 15 times!

Happy

From Jonesy

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

Hey Beautiful

From James Breakwell

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't notice.

Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget.

Because elephants never forget.

Cracking Horror

From Yaffle by Jeffrey Caulfield and Brian Ponshock

My friends call me the exorcist.

Because, after I leave there are no spirits left in the house.

Bikini Body

From War and Peas

My doctor says I should think about getting my stomach stapled.

It's great that at my age he still believes I could be a centrefold.

Sleeping Partner

From OffTheMark

The patron saint of coffee is St. Arbucks.

Head Support

From Cyanide & Happiness

After her son turned 10 years old his mother started to think that he looked a little strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not hers.

She told her husband what she had discovered.

Her husband replied, "Ah, you don't remember do you?

When we were leaving the hospital, the baby pooped into its nappy and you told me to go and change him.

So, l went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there".

The wife fainted.

Time Travel Warning

As a child all I wanted was to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.

Never Give Up On Your Dreams

From Safely Endangered

Can't Talk Right Now

From Bliss

People say I'm shallow.

Which is great, as it means they're talking about me.

The Reality Of Being A Parent

From smbc

What time is it when you see a cow laying in a field?

Pasture bedtime!

Big Stripes

From Speedbump

"It's a boy!", I shouted with tears rolling down my face.

"I don't believe it. A boy!"

It was at that moment that I decided that I would never visit Thailand again.

Devices

From F Minus

I bumped into someone from my flashers' club in town earlier.

It's always nice to see a fellow member.  

Remote

From Junk Drawer

I was amazed the first time I saw a universal remote

I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"

Water Safety

From Mark Lynch

Just a warning, in case you're thinking of buying a watch from Amazon.

I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim wearing it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

Narcisyphus

From Andertoons

I asked my photographer friend which pose was the best for selfies.

He said, "It doesn't really matter. Just take your pic."

Regular Gym Visitor

From Twonk Comics

Husband: I heard a rumour that the postman's slept with all the women on our street, except for one.

Wife: I bet it's that snooty Cynthia Quinn in Number 12.

Training Overhead

From Work Chronicles

A police officer was tasked to train three blonde women to become detectives.

He showed them a picture of a man for five seconds before asking the first blonde how she would recognize him in the streets. "Oh, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The police officer exclaimed: "Are you stupid? He doesn't have one eye, the picture is the profile of the man!"

Clearly furious by that answer, he asked the second blonde the same question.

"Oh, well... I'd recognize him because he only has one ear".

The police officer was damn furious and let out a loud sigh before asking the third blonde, and he urged her to at least think through the answer before answering.

"I'd recognize him because he wears contact lenses", she said.

The police officer, somewhat clearly caught off guard by that answer was curious to see if she was right or not. So she called the photographer from the model agency from where the picture was obtained and asked the photographer for the model's phone number.

Surely enough, he called the model and the model confirmed that he was wearing contact lenses when the picture was taken.

"That's amazing!", he told the third blonde. "How in the world did you know that he was wearing contact lenses?"

"Well," said the third blonde, "he can't wear glasses since he only has one eye and one ear".

On A Mission

From Rhymes With Orange

I'm just getting my beach gear together and after all the eating I've done this winter I'm happy to report that my flip flops still fit.

Making Friends

From Little Porpoise

Yesterday I tried that new laxative that contains goose feathers.

Today I'm feeling down in the dumps.

Apple Burgers

From FoodBeast

I spotted someone stealing something from the Apple Store.

So new, I'm an iWitness.

Trust Test

From Will McPhail

Knock knock

Who's there?

Europe

Europe who

I'm not a poo

Early Version Of Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock . . .

From Bizarro

The police just pulled me over and said, "Papers?"

I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.

I think he wants a rematch because he's been chasing me ever since.

Love Your New Outfit

From C Section Comics

Why is it that when archaeologists find human remains . . .

. . . they're either male or female, but none of the other 700 genders?

One Small Hop

From Liniers Cartoon

Why do astronauts use macs?

Because it's dangerous to open windows in space.

Hot And Dry

From Jonesy

I feel sorry for the staff of Greggs in this weather.

They must be baking in there.

Stocking Up

The water's so hard where we live, the plumbers have to go round in pairs.

Geology Bookcase

From Slane Cartoons

Some people hate geology jokes,

but I think they're pretty gneiss.

Test On Thursday

From The Jenkins

Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results.

The Doctor told him that he has both good news and bad news.

"The good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry.

"The bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday."

Entertainment For Cats

From OffTheMark

Where do Russian birds sleep?

In a commu-nest.

Bowling Ball Impression

From Cyanide & Happiness

What does a vegetable get in bowling?

A-spare-I-guess.

Preserving Language

From smbc

My Grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths.

The Mumbot

From JimBenton

I was going to nail a shelf to my wall, but then I thought . . .

. . . screw it!

In Deep Trouble

From Loading Artist

The perfect crime would be murdering Where's Wally, because the police would never find the body.

Changing Height

From Speedbump

It's another hot day so I've taken all my clothes off and opened all the windows.

I feel so much better; although the other people on the bus don't seem too pleased.

You Can Do It Chris

I really love watching tennis.

but I've never been able to figure out why they need a lifeguard.

Sticky Trap

From Safely Endangered

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honey combs!

Croc Infested Waters

From Mark Lynch

I think my doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear.

I overheard him telling his colleague that I had serious healthy shoes!

Karaoke

From Twonk Comics

I've got an Abba song stuck in my head, I'll be singing it all day knowing me!

Using AI To Code

From Work Chronicles

From Work Chronicles

An AI algorithm walks into a bar . . .

. . . and says "I'll have what everyone else is having."

Camouflage

From Ben Chen

Whenever anyone at the gym asks if I can spot them, I always reply 'Who said that?'  

Flying Pigs

"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.

"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.

"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.

Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.

Outside The Cocktail Bar

From Will McPhail

I love the look on people's faces, standing at the bus stop soaked in the rain as I drive past . . .

. . . it's partly why I became a bus driver.

Useful Driving Test Addition

From Bizarro

On my first day as a delivery driver for Mr Kipling I had to do an emergency stop.

Fortunately the lorry had exceedingly good brakes!"