Beep Beep

From Loose Parts

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all those ACME products, why didn't he just buy himself dinner?

If You Use These Emojis You're Old

From Steve Nelson

There were no such things as emojis when I was a young man.

In those days if you wanted a girl to know you found her attractive you had to post her an aubergine.

Proactive

From JimBenton

I tried reading the dictionary in bed last night.

I didn't finish it.

I got up to p.

Safe Place

From OffTheMark

They threw me out of the cinema yesterday for taking in my own food.

But come on, the prices in the cinema foyer are far too high.

Plus, I hadn't had a barbeque in for ages.

It's Alive

From Buttersafe

Most people think Frankenstein is the name of the monster.

But, it's not.

It's the name of the book.

Allergy Warning

From Looks Good On Paper

Soylent Green is just the brand name.

You can make it at home with your friends and family.

Day Off

From StrangeTrek

I'm not saying his autobiography is ghost written but he dies at the end.

Playing Outside

From Mark Lynch

I couldn't get my phone to work in my hotel room the other night, so I went downstairs.

They have reception there!

Anxiety Club

From Dinos and Comics

The hardest part of joining Hypochondriacs Anonymous . . .

. . . is admitting that you don't have a problem.

Shady Disguise

From Speedbump

I do not look like a Smurf and I've told people that until I'm blue in the face.

Who's Ready For Halloween?

From Liz Climo

I've just been to my Nan's house, and fair play to her, at 94, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and live insects in the windows and a skeleton on the sofa.

She always makes a big effort but when I rang the bell there was no answer.

I'll pop back next week, see how she's doing!

Pupkin

From Bliss

A piece of pumpkin pie costs $2.00 in Jamaica and $2.45 in Barbados.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Fairytale Wedding

From Twonk Comics

Why is a massage like a fairy tale?

They're both better with a happy ending.

Strict Doctor

If you boil a funny bone, you get a laughing stock.

And that's humerus.

Small Talk Exams

From Wumo

There were two of them on Play School, one was big and one was little.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

A Great Darkness

From Leigh Rubin

Hello darkness my old friend.

Why are you here, it's 5 p.m.

Do You Ever Get The Urge

From The Far Side

No matter how much you push the envelope . . .

. . . it'll still be stationery.

Up Here

I have this weird compulsion to stare at seaweed.

I desperately need to see kelp.

Final Speech

From Safely Endangered

A Sultan's wife is genuinely called a Sultana although she is sometimes also known as his currant wife.

MooBeard

From Bizarro

Pirate 1: "the treasures be buried"

Pirate 2:" *are"

Three Little Words

From Bird and Moon

"Do you have any pets?"

"Yes, I have a dog."

"Any hobbies?"

"Rolling around in mud and fetching sticks."

Payback

From C Section Comics

I made my wife's dreams come true when we got married in a castle.

But you wouldn't have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around.

Spaceship Earth

From Liniers Cartoon

Some people call me the space cowboy,

Some call me the gangster of love,

Some people call me Maurice . . .

- Yes Sir, but I do still need to see your driving licence.

Chore Allocation

From Jonesy

Last night my wife wore a police uniform to bed and said "You're being charged with being good in bed."

90 seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Look Alike

From GoatToSelf

Why do all hot dogs look the same no matter where you see them?

They're all in bread.

Caring Doctor Boa

From War and Peas

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

Fishing Line

From OffTheMark

I'm playing cricket against my local fish & chip shop team later.

Their fielders and bowlers aren't that good, but their batter is brilliant!

Catherine Fish

From Cyanide & Happiness

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

Good Dog Bad Dog

From Bliss

From Bliss

Can anyone give me an estimate of how many ball parks there are?

The Worst Part Of Being A Buddhist Monk

From smbc

Apparently, it's no longer politically-correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority.

So, bearing this in mind, I think that the following is still okay:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian went to a nightclub.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai.

Pointless Studying

 From The Jenkins

A limerick:

 

(12 + 144 + 20 + 3√4) / 7 + (5 x 11) = 9² + 0

 

or to put it another way:

 

A dozen, a gross, and a score

Plus three times the square root of four

Divided by seven

Plus five times eleven

Is nine squared and not a bit more

Shedding Spots

From Speedbump

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you're alive?

I just did and, apparently, will not be allowed on this bus again.

"Research"

From The Far Side

Penguin Crossing

From Mark Lynch

Lollipop ladies make me cross!

Our Tune

From Andertoons

Once you've heard one bagpipe tune, you've heard them both!

Hold The Door

From Twonk Comics

Top Tip: Relax twice as fast by playing your mindfulness meditation at double speed.

Above And Beyond

From Work Chronicles

My boss pulled up in his brand new Mercedes today and I couldn't help but admire it

"Nice car", I said as he got out.

Well, he said noticing my admiring looks; "Work hard, put the hours in, and this time next year I'll be able to buy an even better one".

Plant Hospital

From Rhymes With Orange

I confused my Scottish GP today . . .

. . . by telling him I had knee problems.

Imprinting

From The Far Side

Studies show that 48% of women have used vibrators.

The other 52% have brand new ones.

Welcome Home

From Little Porpoise

I saw yet another lost dog roaming the street the other day.

I thought, "If only I had a pound for every one of those I've seen".

Baby Teeth

From Safely Endangered

My teeth were stained, so the dentist asked me,

"Do you smoke or drink coffee?"

I told him, "I drink it!"

Familiar Perfume

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I met someone who smelt just like me.

He could have been my cologne.

Harmony

From Bird and Moon

If I've learned anything in my 23 years on earth, it's . . .

. . . that it's okay to lie about your age.

The Judgement

From C Section Comics

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

John Venn Was Having Marital Problems

From Liniers Cartoon

Two people from Kent recently became the first married couple to row all the way across the Atlantic.

Apparently, it started when he asked if she really needed that many clothes on a cruise.

Cat Lady

From Jonesy

As a young child my mother told me that I could be anyone I wanted to be.

It turns out, this is called identity theft.

Fast Car

From Martin Perscheid

My mate David had his ID stolen.

So, now I call him Dav.

Co-worker Complaints

From War and Peas

A giraffe can grow up to 18 feet.

But they usually only have 4.

Parenting Technique

From OffTheMark

People get really annoyed when I read over their shoulders on trains which is stupid as I'm not even that loud.

A Child Fell Into A Well

From Cyanide & Happiness

A strangler is just a fiend you haven't met yet.