Outside The Cocktail Bar

From Will McPhail

I love the look on people's faces, standing at the bus stop soaked in the rain as I drive past . . .

. . . it's partly why I became a bus driver.

Useful Driving Test Addition

From Bizarro

On my first day as a delivery driver for Mr Kipling I had to do an emergency stop.

Fortunately the lorry had exceedingly good brakes!"

Never Enough

From War and Peas

I felt a bit greedy when I treated myself to a new boat.

But I couldn't resist, there was a sail on.

Providing

From HeyBuddy

Four years ago I was doing trollies at Sainsbury's on a Monday night.

I left, worked hard, and got a degree from the University of Sheffield.

Now I'm doing trollies at Waitrose on a Friday night.

Never give up.

Training Wheel

From Rhymes With Orange

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

Spider Goo

From Dogs on the 4th

I recently took my beginner apiarist exams.

I got a B.

Horse Play

From Liniers Cartoon

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.

Out Of Nowhere

 

From See Mike Draw

What do Captain Kirk and Mister Spock do to get their luggage up to their hotel room?

Tell a porter.

Balloon Fate

From At Random Comics

THE INFLATABLE BOY

Long ago in an inflatable land

Where the inflatable King and Queen rule

An inflatable boy in the village of Elftown

Went to inflatable school.

 

At 9am on the inflatable dot,

Inflatable lessons begin;

Nobody knew this inflatable boy

Had got an inflatable pin.

 

He kept it concealed in his satchel;

No one there knew of their fate

Till the boy ran amok in the staffroom

And teachers began to deflate.

 

He then stuck his pin in the building;

It was sharp and met little resistance;

Just a hiss at the start, then a deafening fart

As the school flew off into the distance.

 

Inflatable boys with inflatable pins

Know inflatable parents get stroppy;

The inflatable boy turned the pin on himself

And in no time at all he was floppy.

 

He was saved by a man with a bicycle pump

And a puncture repair kit to boot;

And when he came round the next morning,

By his bed was a man in a suit.

 

O dread; the headmaster, half covered in plasters,

Alive but not up to full pressure;

Not enough p.s.i. but pure wrath in his eye,

Filled not with air but displeasure.

 

"Now then, young man," the headmaster began

In the inflatable hospital in Elftown;

"You've let your teachers down,

You've let your school down,

And now you've let yourself down."

Les Barker

Laser Eye Surgery

From OffTheMark

I said to my doctor "I've got a problem with one of my ears".

He said "Are you sure?"

I said "Yes, I'm definite".

Neglect

From Buni Comic

What's green and not very heavy?

Light green.

Commanding Respect

From The Perry Bible Fellowship

If you have just left school or uni and have started working at your first adult job you may be wondering if this is all there is to life.

No, it is not: there is also back pain.

Trash Tech

From Loading Artist

Just got a new job collecting litter.

When I asked about training, they said, "You'll pick it up as you go along."

Security

From Cyanide & Happiness

I sell security alarms door to door and I'm really good at it.

If no-one is at home I just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Good News, Bad News

From JimBenton

Why did the archaeopteryx get the worm?

Because it was an early bird.

Troublesome Little Piggy

From The Argyle Sweater

It was early last September

As near as I can remember

While strolling down a lane in tipsy pride

Not a word did I utter

As I lay down in the gutter

And this pig came up and lay there by my side

 

Not a soul was I disturbing

As I lay there by the curbing

When a high toned lady passed I heard her say:

You can tell a man who boozes

By the company he chooses

And the pig got up and slowly walked away

Not Caring

From smbc

I went to an Indian restaurant the other day and decided to try the toucan curry.

The food was delicious but the bill was ridiculous.

Phonetically Defined 6

From Wrong Hands

Phonetically Defined 5

From Wrong Hands

Phonetically Defined 4

From Wrong Hands

Phonetically Defined 3

From Wrong Hands

Phonetically Defined 2

From Wrong Hands

Phonetically Defined 1

From Wrong Hands

I'm The One On The Right

From Chaz Hutton

Me: Doctor, I've been having trouble with my memory, I keep forgetting things

Doctor: Okay, how long has this been going on for?

Me: How long's what been going on for?

Lifestyle Choice

From Will McPhail

It must be hard to be a parent nowadays.

You have to explain the birds & the bees.

The bees & the bees.

The birds & the birds.

The birds that used to be bees.

The bees that used to be birds.

The birds that look like bees and the bees that look like birds but still have a stinger.

Warning Sign

 From The New Yorker by Christopher Weyant

Two blondes went deer hunting and they managed to shoot a deer.

They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their truck.

An experienced hunter saw them and said, "Girls, you're doing it wrong. You're dragging against the grain of the deer's hair. If you drag by the antlers, you'll be pulling with the grain of the hair, and it will be much easier."

So, the two blondes started dragging their deer by the antlers.

After about 20 minutes, one said to the other, "You know, that old guy was right! It's so much easier to drag the deer by the antlers, it's like it's just gliding along the ground."

"Yeah, he was," said the other blonde. "But we sure are getting far away from our truck."

Interruptions

From Dilbert

From Dilbert

Have you seen that old boy collecting trollies at Tesco?

He must be pushing seventy odd.

Shred Of Evidence

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I took place in a police identity parade today.

The ones in uniform were the easiest to spot.

Urgent

From Work Chronicles

How come no-one liked the time travel joke that I posted next Thursday?

Nobody Is Satisfied

From C Section Comics

Everyone in my town wears woollen jumpers that are a size too small.

We're a very tight knit community!

Flowers

From Faceless

Scientists have discovered how much sleep the average person needs.

Just 5 minutes more.

Top 10 Dog/Cat Pop Songs

From Scott Metzger

From Scott Metzger

Good Time Freddie

From War and Peas

A good romance starts with trust, kindness, and mutual respect...

A bad romance starts with RAH RAH AH AH AH!

Helping Hand

From Sunny Street

A drunk girl staggered up to me in the street earlier and said "Can I pinch a cigarette from you please?"

I said "Show me your tits and then ask me the question again".

So, she lifted up her top and bra and said "Can I pinch a cigarette from you please?"

I said "Sorry love, I don't smoke".

Rejuvenation

From Buni Comic

Stealing clothes from washing lines.

Been there, done that, got the tee shirt.

Stereotypes

From Wrong Hands

Interesting Fact

Spandau Ballet only had one UK number one single.

That is True.

Loyalty Data

From xkcd

"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a supermarket."

"How long have you felt like this?"

"Ever since I was Lidl!"

Balloon Hats

From Liz Climo

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector because the constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel dizzy and sick.

Communal Lift

From Chucklebros

I asked the doctor for something to treat my thrush.

He gave me a bag of mealworms.

Glass House

From At Random Comics

Me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia.

Therapist: You might be getting carried away.

Me: *firing into the ceiling* Not without a fight.

Unnecessary Job?

From Liniers Cartoon

Today I went to the barbers for a shave.

The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so that he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.

I asked, "But what if I swallow the ball?"

He replied, "No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else."

Ending It All

From smbc

My wife was sad so I showed her my boobs.

Apparently, it doesn't work both ways.

Coffee Order

From Speedbump

Two astronauts are making drinks on the International Space Station when one turns to the other and says, "I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The second astronaut replies, "In space no one can, here use cream."

Prevention Is Better Than Cure

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.

I said to him, "Even at your age, you really seem to be enjoying that; is this your favourite time of year"?

He said, "I still love Easter, baby"!

Seating Plan

From The Argyle Sweater

You have to feel sorry for Jesus, not only was he crucified, but it was right at the start of a four day weekend.

Robot Driver

From Andertoons

I was driving to work a bit lively this morning when I was stopped by a police officer.

He said, "You were going a bit fast sir, what would have happened if you had suddenly come across Mister Fog?"

I replied sarcastically, "I would have trod on Mister Brake of course."

He said, "I will repeat the question sir; what would have happened if you had suddenly come across Mist or Fog?"

Can I Try

From Buddy Gator

My wife has just called and told me that she'll be home soon and wants fish for dinner.

I'd better get my skates on.

Backseat Drivers

From Reality Check

I just got a paper cut from a risk assessment form.