Stereotypes

From Wrong Hands

Interesting Fact

Spandau Ballet only had one UK number one single.

That is True.

Loyalty Data

From xkcd

"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a supermarket."

"How long have you felt like this?"

"Ever since I was Lidl!"

Balloon Hats

From Liz Climo

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector because the constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel dizzy and sick.

Communal Lift

From Chucklebros

I asked the doctor for something to treat my thrush.

He gave me a bag of mealworms.

Glass House

From At Random Comics

Me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia.

Therapist: You might be getting carried away.

Me: *firing into the ceiling* Not without a fight.

Unnecessary Job?

From Liniers Cartoon

Today I went to the barbers for a shave.

The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so that he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.

I asked, "But what if I swallow the ball?"

He replied, "No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else."

Ending It All

From smbc

My wife was sad so I showed her my boobs.

Apparently, it doesn't work both ways.

Coffee Order

From Speedbump

Two astronauts are making drinks on the International Space Station when one turns to the other and says, "I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The second astronaut replies, "In space no one can, here use cream."

Prevention Is Better Than Cure

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.

I said to him, "Even at your age, you really seem to be enjoying that; is this your favourite time of year"?

He said, "I still love Easter, baby"!

Seating Plan

From The Argyle Sweater

You have to feel sorry for Jesus, not only was he crucified, but it was right at the start of a four day weekend.

Robot Driver

From Andertoons

I was driving to work a bit lively this morning when I was stopped by a police officer.

He said, "You were going a bit fast sir, what would have happened if you had suddenly come across Mister Fog?"

I replied sarcastically, "I would have trod on Mister Brake of course."

He said, "I will repeat the question sir; what would have happened if you had suddenly come across Mist or Fog?"

Can I Try

From Buddy Gator

My wife has just called and told me that she'll be home soon and wants fish for dinner.

I'd better get my skates on.

Backseat Drivers

From Reality Check

I just got a paper cut from a risk assessment form.

Wordle Obsession

From Tom Gauld

I went to the doctor today because I was depressed as I kept finishing crosswords too quickly.

He told me not to get 2 down!

Larry's Pack

From Joseph Nowak

Why do all astronauts use a mac?

Because it's dangerous to open windows in space.

When You Buy Toilet Roll

From LunarBaboon

A guy is picking up his kids at school when he sees another kid and says loudly, "oh wow, what an ugly kid!"

The person standing next to him says, "careful mister, he's my son."

The guy, feeling pretty embarrassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father."

"I'm not", the other parent replies, "I'm his mum."

Courage

From Bliss

Ladies, if a guy:

- remembers your birthday

- knows what you enjoy

- saves your pictures

- harvests your data

- keeps your passwords in plain text;

this guy is not your man.

This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

Strike While The Iron's Hot

From Private Eye

From Jonesy

We haven't found a solution for climate change yet, but . . .

. . . we're definitely getting warmer.

Best Tattoo

From Bizarro

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

Bob Loved The Outdoors

From Cornered

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for 5 minutes.

The trouble is, he lives alone, so nobody answered.

So, I went outside and told him he wasn't there; and he left.

Drawing Class

From The Daily Drawing

Nelson was 5ft 6ins tall.

His statue in Trafalgar Square is 17ft 4ins high.

That's Horatio of  just over 3:1.

Bear House

From The Argyle Sweater

A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.

He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes.

So, he calls emergency services and says, "I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?"

"Well," the operator says, "Are they moving?"

"I don't know," he replied, "But if they were, that would explain the suitcase."