Security

From Cyanide & Happiness

I sell security alarms door to door and I'm really good at it.

If no-one is at home I just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Good News, Bad News

From JimBenton

Why did the archaeopteryx get the worm?

Because it was an early bird.

Troublesome Little Piggy

From The Argyle Sweater

It was early last September

As near as I can remember

While strolling down a lane in tipsy pride

Not a word did I utter

As I lay down in the gutter

And this pig came up and lay there by my side

 

Not a soul was I disturbing

As I lay there by the curbing

When a high toned lady passed I heard her say:

You can tell a man who boozes

By the company he chooses

And the pig got up and slowly walked away

Not Caring

From smbc

I went to an Indian restaurant the other day and decided to try the toucan curry.

The food was delicious but the bill was ridiculous.

Phonetically Defined 6

From Wrong Hands

Phonetically Defined 5

From Wrong Hands

Phonetically Defined 4

From Wrong Hands

Phonetically Defined 3

From Wrong Hands

Phonetically Defined 2

From Wrong Hands

Phonetically Defined 1

From Wrong Hands

I'm The One On The Right

From Chaz Hutton

Me: Doctor, I've been having trouble with my memory, I keep forgetting things

Doctor: Okay, how long has this been going on for?

Me: How long's what been going on for?

Lifestyle Choice

From Will McPhail

It must be hard to be a parent nowadays.

You have to explain the birds & the bees.

The bees & the bees.

The birds & the birds.

The birds that used to be bees.

The bees that used to be birds.

The birds that look like bees and the bees that look like birds but still have a stinger.

Warning Sign

 From The New Yorker by Christopher Weyant

Two blondes went deer hunting and they managed to shoot a deer.

They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their truck.

An experienced hunter saw them and said, "Girls, you're doing it wrong. You're dragging against the grain of the deer's hair. If you drag by the antlers, you'll be pulling with the grain of the hair, and it will be much easier."

So, the two blondes started dragging their deer by the antlers.

After about 20 minutes, one said to the other, "You know, that old guy was right! It's so much easier to drag the deer by the antlers, it's like it's just gliding along the ground."

"Yeah, he was," said the other blonde. "But we sure are getting far away from our truck."

Interruptions

From Dilbert

From Dilbert

Have you seen that old boy collecting trollies at Tesco?

He must be pushing seventy odd.

Shred Of Evidence

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I took place in a police identity parade today.

The ones in uniform were the easiest to spot.

Urgent

From Work Chronicles

How come no-one liked the time travel joke that I posted next Thursday?

Nobody Is Satisfied

From C Section Comics

Everyone in my town wears woollen jumpers that are a size too small.

We're a very tight knit community!

Flowers

From Faceless

Scientists have discovered how much sleep the average person needs.

Just 5 minutes more.

Top 10 Dog/Cat Pop Songs

From Scott Metzger

From Scott Metzger

Good Time Freddie

From War and Peas

A good romance starts with trust, kindness, and mutual respect...

A bad romance starts with RAH RAH AH AH AH!

Helping Hand

From Sunny Street

A drunk girl staggered up to me in the street earlier and said "Can I pinch a cigarette from you please?"

I said "Show me your tits and then ask me the question again".

So, she lifted up her top and bra and said "Can I pinch a cigarette from you please?"

I said "Sorry love, I don't smoke".

Rejuvenation

From Buni Comic

Stealing clothes from washing lines.

Been there, done that, got the tee shirt.