Outside The Cocktail Bar

From Will McPhail

I love the look on people's faces, standing at the bus stop soaked in the rain as I drive past . . .

. . . it's partly why I became a bus driver.

Useful Driving Test Addition

From Bizarro

On my first day as a delivery driver for Mr Kipling I had to do an emergency stop.

Fortunately the lorry had exceedingly good brakes!"

Never Enough

From War and Peas

I felt a bit greedy when I treated myself to a new boat.

But I couldn't resist, there was a sail on.

Providing

From HeyBuddy

Four years ago I was doing trollies at Sainsbury's on a Monday night.

I left, worked hard, and got a degree from the University of Sheffield.

Now I'm doing trollies at Waitrose on a Friday night.

Never give up.

Training Wheel

From Rhymes With Orange

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

Spider Goo

From Dogs on the 4th

I recently took my beginner apiarist exams.

I got a B.

Horse Play

From Liniers Cartoon

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.

Out Of Nowhere

 

From See Mike Draw

What do Captain Kirk and Mister Spock do to get their luggage up to their hotel room?

Tell a porter.

Balloon Fate

From At Random Comics

THE INFLATABLE BOY

Long ago in an inflatable land

Where the inflatable King and Queen rule

An inflatable boy in the village of Elftown

Went to inflatable school.

 

At 9am on the inflatable dot,

Inflatable lessons begin;

Nobody knew this inflatable boy

Had got an inflatable pin.

 

He kept it concealed in his satchel;

No one there knew of their fate

Till the boy ran amok in the staffroom

And teachers began to deflate.

 

He then stuck his pin in the building;

It was sharp and met little resistance;

Just a hiss at the start, then a deafening fart

As the school flew off into the distance.

 

Inflatable boys with inflatable pins

Know inflatable parents get stroppy;

The inflatable boy turned the pin on himself

And in no time at all he was floppy.

 

He was saved by a man with a bicycle pump

And a puncture repair kit to boot;

And when he came round the next morning,

By his bed was a man in a suit.

 

O dread; the headmaster, half covered in plasters,

Alive but not up to full pressure;

Not enough p.s.i. but pure wrath in his eye,

Filled not with air but displeasure.

 

"Now then, young man," the headmaster began

In the inflatable hospital in Elftown;

"You've let your teachers down,

You've let your school down,

And now you've let yourself down."

Les Barker

Laser Eye Surgery

From OffTheMark

I said to my doctor "I've got a problem with one of my ears".

He said "Are you sure?"

I said "Yes, I'm definite".

Neglect

From Buni Comic

What's green and not very heavy?

Light green.

Commanding Respect

From The Perry Bible Fellowship

If you have just left school or uni and have started working at your first adult job you may be wondering if this is all there is to life.

No, it is not: there is also back pain.

Trash Tech

From Loading Artist

Just got a new job collecting litter.

When I asked about training, they said, "You'll pick it up as you go along."