Making Friends

From Little Porpoise

Yesterday I tried that new laxative that contains goose feathers.

Today I'm feeling down in the dumps.

Apple Burgers

From FoodBeast

I spotted someone stealing something from the Apple Store.

So new, I'm an iWitness.

Trust Test

From Will McPhail

Knock knock

Who's there?

Europe

Europe who

I'm not a poo

Early Version Of Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock . . .

From Bizarro

The police just pulled me over and said, "Papers?"

I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.

I think he wants a rematch because he's been chasing me ever since.

Love Your New Outfit

From C Section Comics

Why is it that when archaeologists find human remains . . .

. . . they're either male or female, but none of the other 700 genders?

One Small Hop

From Liniers Cartoon

Why do astronauts use macs?

Because it's dangerous to open windows in space.

Hot And Dry

From Jonesy

I feel sorry for the staff of Greggs in this weather.

They must be baking in there.

Stocking Up

The water's so hard where we live, the plumbers have to go round in pairs.

Geology Bookcase

From Slane Cartoons

Some people hate geology jokes,

but I think they're pretty gneiss.

Test On Thursday

From The Jenkins

Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results.

The Doctor told him that he has both good news and bad news.

"The good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry.

"The bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday."

Entertainment For Cats

From OffTheMark

Where do Russian birds sleep?

In a commu-nest.

Bowling Ball Impression

From Cyanide & Happiness

What does a vegetable get in bowling?

A-spare-I-guess.

Preserving Language

From smbc

My Grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths.

The Mumbot

From JimBenton

I was going to nail a shelf to my wall, but then I thought . . .

. . . screw it!

In Deep Trouble

From Loading Artist

The perfect crime would be murdering Where's Wally, because the police would never find the body.

Changing Height

From Speedbump

It's another hot day so I've taken all my clothes off and opened all the windows.

I feel so much better; although the other people on the bus don't seem too pleased.