Devices

From F Minus

I bumped into someone from my flashers' club in town earlier.

It's always nice to see a fellow member.  

Remote

From Junk Drawer

I was amazed the first time I saw a universal remote

I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"

Water Safety

From Mark Lynch

Just a warning, in case you're thinking of buying a watch from Amazon.

I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim wearing it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

Narcisyphus

From Andertoons

I asked my photographer friend which pose was the best for selfies.

He said, "It doesn't really matter. Just take your pic."

Regular Gym Visitor

From Twonk Comics

Husband: I heard a rumour that the postman's slept with all the women on our street, except for one.

Wife: I bet it's that snooty Cynthia Quinn in Number 12.

Training Overhead

From Work Chronicles

A police officer was tasked to train three blonde women to become detectives.

He showed them a picture of a man for five seconds before asking the first blonde how she would recognize him in the streets. "Oh, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The police officer exclaimed: "Are you stupid? He doesn't have one eye, the picture is the profile of the man!"

Clearly furious by that answer, he asked the second blonde the same question.

"Oh, well... I'd recognize him because he only has one ear".

The police officer was damn furious and let out a loud sigh before asking the third blonde, and he urged her to at least think through the answer before answering.

"I'd recognize him because he wears contact lenses", she said.

The police officer, somewhat clearly caught off guard by that answer was curious to see if she was right or not. So she called the photographer from the model agency from where the picture was obtained and asked the photographer for the model's phone number.

Surely enough, he called the model and the model confirmed that he was wearing contact lenses when the picture was taken.

"That's amazing!", he told the third blonde. "How in the world did you know that he was wearing contact lenses?"

"Well," said the third blonde, "he can't wear glasses since he only has one eye and one ear".

On A Mission

From Rhymes With Orange

I'm just getting my beach gear together and after all the eating I've done this winter I'm happy to report that my flip flops still fit.

Making Friends

From Little Porpoise

Yesterday I tried that new laxative that contains goose feathers.

Today I'm feeling down in the dumps.

Apple Burgers

From FoodBeast

I spotted someone stealing something from the Apple Store.

So new, I'm an iWitness.

Trust Test

From Will McPhail

Knock knock

Who's there?

Europe

Europe who

I'm not a poo

Early Version Of Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock . . .

From Bizarro

The police just pulled me over and said, "Papers?"

I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.

I think he wants a rematch because he's been chasing me ever since.

Love Your New Outfit

From C Section Comics

Why is it that when archaeologists find human remains . . .

. . . they're either male or female, but none of the other 700 genders?

One Small Hop

From Liniers Cartoon

Why do astronauts use macs?

Because it's dangerous to open windows in space.

Hot And Dry

From Jonesy

I feel sorry for the staff of Greggs in this weather.

They must be baking in there.

Stocking Up

The water's so hard where we live, the plumbers have to go round in pairs.

Geology Bookcase

From Slane Cartoons

Some people hate geology jokes,

but I think they're pretty gneiss.

Test On Thursday

From The Jenkins

Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results.

The Doctor told him that he has both good news and bad news.

"The good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry.

"The bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday."

Entertainment For Cats

From OffTheMark

Where do Russian birds sleep?

In a commu-nest.

Bowling Ball Impression

From Cyanide & Happiness

What does a vegetable get in bowling?

A-spare-I-guess.

Preserving Language

From smbc

My Grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths.

The Mumbot

From JimBenton

I was going to nail a shelf to my wall, but then I thought . . .

. . . screw it!

In Deep Trouble

From Loading Artist

The perfect crime would be murdering Where's Wally, because the police would never find the body.

Changing Height

From Speedbump

It's another hot day so I've taken all my clothes off and opened all the windows.

I feel so much better; although the other people on the bus don't seem too pleased.