Trojan Bargain

From smbc

I'm absolutely gutted.

Kajagoogoo tickets just went on sale for £30 but I've only got £28.

Sans Sheriff

From Noel Curry

Police have arrested the world tongue twister champion . . .

. . . he will be given a tough sentence.

Lost Property

From Leigh Rubin

I found thousands of letters in my letterbox this morning.

That's the last time I order a dictionary from IKEA.

Remote Working, Pros and Cons

From Dilbert

Ironing done. Hoovering done. Washing up done. Kids bathed. Kids in bed.

The perfect time to go home from the pub.

Bird's Eye View

From New Scientist

The way to tell the difference between crows and rooks is that crows have black beaks whereas rooks look like little castles.

The Great Thing About Cats

From Bizarro

I've got a lighter with a pink flame at home.

I use it to light camp fires.

Driving Home

Wow, he's setting off early this year!

My new car has a switch for pretty much everything.

There's even one that says 'rear wiper' but I'm still too afraid to try that one whilst I'm driving.

Frog Prince

From Portsherry

Can't wait until I can start my advent calendar. I'm counting down the days already.

The Menu Please

I went to a Mary Poppins themed restaurant last night.

They served super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious.

The Nurturing Knight

From smbc

My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river.

I did it but it broke my heart.

I quite liked her dad.

Beep Beep

From Loose Parts

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all those ACME products, why didn't he just buy himself dinner?

If You Use These Emojis You're Old

From Steve Nelson

There were no such things as emojis when I was a young man.

In those days if you wanted a girl to know you found her attractive you had to post her an aubergine.

Proactive

From JimBenton

I tried reading the dictionary in bed last night.

I didn't finish it.

I got up to p.

Safe Place

From OffTheMark

They threw me out of the cinema yesterday for taking in my own food.

But come on, the prices in the cinema foyer are far too high.

Plus, I hadn't had a barbeque in for ages.

It's Alive

From Buttersafe

Most people think Frankenstein is the name of the monster.

But, it's not.

It's the name of the book.

Allergy Warning

From Looks Good On Paper

Soylent Green is just the brand name.

You can make it at home with your friends and family.

Day Off

From StrangeTrek

I'm not saying his autobiography is ghost written but he dies at the end.

Playing Outside

From Mark Lynch

I couldn't get my phone to work in my hotel room the other night, so I went downstairs.

They have reception there!

Anxiety Club

From Dinos and Comics

The hardest part of joining Hypochondriacs Anonymous . . .

. . . is admitting that you don't have a problem.

Shady Disguise

From Speedbump

I do not look like a Smurf and I've told people that until I'm blue in the face.