Quiet Business

From Leigh Rubin

What do you call an Irishman who bounces off walls?

Rick O'Shey

Early Departure

From Mark Lynch

Why can't T-Rexes clap their hands?

Because they're extinct.

Carbon Dating

Three years ago, I asked my crush to go out with me.

Last week, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

What Happens When You Watch The News

From OffTheMark

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

Easy Decision

From Pardon My Planet

Housework is boring, and it is futile.

You make the bed; you do the dishes.

Six months later, you've got to start all over again.

Sign Of Trouble

From Bliss

My Wife and I were recommended to try a sperm donor.

So we did, but neither of us liked it.

Next time we're sticking to our regular kebabs.

Every Advert Now

From Stephen Collins

Sad news: the inventor of Chinese Whispers has died.

May he test tinned peas.

Mother's Day Begins

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

You're Toast Mate

From Buni Comic

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Pacpie

I love pie.

I could eat it 22/7

Pre-Voyage Safety Announcement

From Mark Lynch

The more I get to know people, the more I realise why Noah only let animals onto his ark.

Ideal Dinner Date

From Twonk Comics

Date: "What do you do?"

Me: *holds up menu* "You just choose a meal from this book of food"

Be Honest

From Faceless

No man has ever won a game of, "Notice anything different about me?"

ReBoot

From smbc

I've donated sperm so often that I get turned on by those plastic cups.

Also, I'm banned from Tupperware parties.

Organic Growth Business Plan

From Rhymes With Orange

Bananas make things around them ripen faster and this is why you never see a young greengrocer.

Skill

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I used to work in a warehouse and one day I had a very heavy box to pick up.

I wasn't sure what the best way to do it was so I sent a message to my boss asking him and he texted straight back.

Negotiation

From At Random Comics

A wealthy looking man walks into a bar and sees a young, attractive woman.

He approaches her and asks, "Excuse me, Miss. I was curious, would you be willing to sleep with me for £10?"

She responds, "Absolutely not, leave me alone".

So he continues, "How about for a million pounds transferred to your bank account before we start?"

Now she looks interested. "Of course, a million pounds would set me up for life".

But he doesn't stop there, "Will you sleep with me for £50?"

This time she answers, "Not at all. What kind of woman do you think I am?"

The man replies, "We have already established that. Now we're just haggling over the price."

Shell Shock

From Speedbump

The maternity ward at the hospital . . .

. . . should really be called the emerge-ncy room.

Menu Choice

From Andertoons

From Andertoons

From Andertoons

From Rubes

I’ve just been to a restaurant where they served roast pelican . . .

. . . it was very tasty, but the bill was enormous!

French Breads

From Loose Parts

My friend Jack Hughes went to France, but whenever he introduced himself they kept getting all defensive.

It Snowed

From JimBenton

The local council is gritting the roads like there's snow tomorrow.

Headless Love

From The Argyle Sweater

From Mark Lynch

Why was the dieting Roman so thrilled?

His toga size went from L to XL.

Trap

From Leigh Rubin

Elvis, my pet mouse, has just died.

He was caught in a trap.

Lift Buttons

From OffTheMark

My wife has just come tumbling down the stairs.

I warned her about wearing that slinky nightdress.

Metamorphosis

From OffTheMark

On her wedding night a bride says to her husband, "I must confess dear, I used to be a hooker".

He says, "That's a bit of a shock, but I must confess, I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it."

She replies, "Well, my name was Nigel and I used to play for Wigan."

The Road Less Travelled

From Bliss

This morning my wife called to tell me that she saw a fox on the way to work.

I asked her how she knew it was on its way to work.

She hung up on me.

Loving Spiders

From Break of Day

For Valentine's Day my wife said she wanted to be wooed so I booked us two tickets on a ghost train.

Operation

No wonder she fell.

She had too many skis to control.

I used to be against organ transplants but now I've had a change of heart.

Runny Eggs

From Mark Lynch

Starting the day with an early morning run is a great way to ensure that your day can't get any worse than it started.

Street Crime

From Pardon My Planet

Took my son out for his first pint last night.

Got him a Heineken.

He didn't like it so I had it.

Got him a Carlsberg.

He didn't like that either, so I had that as well.

Same with the Cider and Guinness.

By the time we got to the whisky I could hardly push the pram.

Proud Dad

From Scott Metzger

I managed to build a car entirely out of washing machine parts.

Tomorrow, I'm taking it out for a spin.

Applying Cream

From Faceless

If anyone wants any leaflets about the treatment of haemorrhoids, let me know.

I've got piles!

Dizzy Heights

From smbc

I was at a climbing centre the other day, but would you believe someone had stolen all the grips from the wall.

Honestly, you just couldn't make it up!

Robocat

From Rhymes With Orange

Him: "We should go out for a coffee sometime."

Her: "How about 10 tomorrow?"

Him: "No, that's too many, I'd never get to sleep afterwards."

Party Clothes

From Liniers Cartoon

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said thank you.

I said don't mention it.

Flying High

From Bizarro

How do you turn a goose into a musician?

You boil it until it's Bill Withers.

Ransom Letter

From At Random Comics

Wife: Suppose you hit a jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands a ransom of 1 million dollars. What would you do?

Husband: That's a ridiculous scenario. What are the odds of getting two jackpots in one day!

Language, Graduates

From Speedbump

It's incredible how many French words are integrated in the English language…

There's 'Hors D'oeuvres' for starters!

Favourite

From Andertoons

Daughter: Can I keep the night light on?

Dad: And provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? Use your head sweetie.

It Has Been . . .

From Loose Parts

I saw a sign that said "Watch Batteries Fitted Here".

I gave it ten minutes but it was no fun whatsoever.

The Problem

From JimBenton

I bumped into a beautiful woman this morning and she asked me for my phone number . . .

. . . then my insurance details!

Naked Fridays

From Barely Baked Beans

"Why did you have sex with her?"

"She was lying there naked; what was I supposed to do?"

"The autopsy. You were supposed to perform the autopsy!"

"Don't tell me how to do my job!"

"You are an absolutely terrible vet!"

Flight Mode

From The Argyle Sweater

Top Tip

It's pronounced "scone", not "scone".

A Society Grows Great When Old Men Plant Trees Whose Shade They Know They Shall Never Sit In

From Leigh Rubin

If trees produced Wi-Fi we'd be planting them everywhere.

It's a shame they only produce oxygen and store carbon.

Engine Trouble

From OffTheMark

How come our cars have to be roadworthy when the roads don't have to be car worthy?

Foreign Language

From Chucklebros

What language do the Vatican Police speak?

Pig Latin!