I took some lovely pictures at the art gallery today, so if anybody wants to buy a slightly dented Picasso...
I've just wiped my bottom, luckily it was backed up earlier.
I told my girlfriend we're not going to an eighties fancy dress party, but she remains adamant.
When I was mysteriously rejected for a job as a courier I took it very badly.
You can tell when you get to Spaghetti Junction because there's a great big fork in the road.
Hosted a pub quiz to raise money for research into undiagnosed heart problems. Everything was going really well 'til the sudden death round.
There are two types of people, people who get the job done and
This new rowing machine really works! We're already bickering over how much it cost and how long until it gets shoved in the loft.
Yodel - Piercing high-pitched wail, usually emitted by someone who's waited in all day for a delivery that didn't arrive.
I once went on an 18-30 holiday but 12 years was just too long.
Just watched Edward Scissorhands, I thought it was better than Edward Paperhands but not as good as Edward Stonehands.
I tried a bit of nude painting today, it went really well, and now everyone says my front door looks lovely.
I've just asked the man from Del Monte who his favourite prog rock band is.
Words can't express how good I think my creative writing tutor is.
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