I think my motto would be 'Je ne regrette rien, although I don't know what that means as I mucked about in French lessons, and I wish I hadn't now.
My 13 year old nephew's already started taking heroin. It's amazing isn't it? They shoot up so fast these days.
One time I almost had a threesome with my girlfriend and my best friend. The only thing that stopped it happening was that they didn't invite me.
We called our fourth child Ivy, because we ran out of names and started using roman numerals.
I've just seen an actor tread on a centipede. I bet he's going to have a great show.
Just sat my A levels again naked. Living the dream!
"I rang you but I couldn't get through"
"What number did you call me on?"
"X, IV, X, C, I, III, L, M, X, VII"
"Sorry, that's an old number"
My Mum doesn't trust my Dad's secretary. I asked her why, and she just said 'I've seen her type before'
My girlfriend's a cat person. She's got fishy breath, shits in a tray and disappears for days at a time.
I've just bought Spider-Man pyjamas. I hope he likes them.
I asked my vet, "What can I do? I think my dog's racist. He keeps barking at the Asian man nest door.", The vet said, "muzzle him". I replied, "I don't know, but he's got a beard".
One night I wished a diabetic friend sweet dreams and they ended up in a coma.
When my girlfriend suggested we play 'Doctors and Nurses' I was hoping for something sexier than just being left in a corridor for two days.
People have told me that a salt and pepper beard looks good on me, but I'm not very good at accepting condiments.
The word Legend has been devalued from pulling a sword from a stone to prove you're the rightful king, to unexpectedly returning with crisps
I met a man who reminded me of my Dad: he came up to me and said 'Don't forget your Dad'.
When I rang up Gamblers Anonymous for help with my fruit machine addiction they asked if I wanted to hold.
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