Sharing

From Jonesy

I've cut down on my drinking, and now only have one vodka before going to bed.

Last night I went to bed eight times.

Sharing

From LunarBaboon

I love putting on warm underwear straight out of the dryer.

Plus, it's fun to look around the launderette and guess who they belong to.

Giraffe Toilet

From At Random Comics

Why can’t you hear when a pterodactyl goes to the toilet?

Because they have a silent p.

Another Broken Vase

From War and Peas

They told me I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic but so far I’ve made 2 jugs and a vase!

Wax Work

From OffTheMark

I just spent ages waxing my car.

I’m still not quite sure how it gets so hairy.

Diabetes Placebo Test

From Cornered

I was just on a diabetes information website.

It asked if I would accept cookies.

Is that a trick question?

Don’t Bite The Hound That Feeds You

From Bliss

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A labracadabradoodle.