He Could Have Ordered String

From OffTheMark

I ordered a mail-order bride.

Unfortunately, I was out when she was delivered.

So, now she's married to my neighbour.

Bad Neighbours

From Loose Parts

I helped my neighbour this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you."

I couldn't believe it.

You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!

Assteroid

From Looks Good On Paper

A man on a tractor has just driven past me yelling "the end of the world is nigh"

I think it was Farmer Geddon.

Smart Toaster

From Mark Lynch

I bought myself a new smart TV.

Now I can't watch Celebrity Big Brother.

It will only let me watch The Open University and Brian Cox documentaries.

Parasite

From After Death Comics

"Welcome to the 41st Annual meeting of Parasites Club."

"I'm Andrew Smith, and I'll be your host for the day."

No Means No

From Mark Lynch

My wife says she loves to be wooed so now whenever we have date night I have to dress up as a ghost.

The Duel

From Liniers Cartoon

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me.

It was such a nice jester!