Brief Outing

From OffTheMark

I got upset when I couldn't find any scissors to cut a coupon out of a newspaper.

I was reduced to tears!

Pickup

From Speedbump

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16year olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

"You ok?" she says."

Yes." he says."

You can go and play with the other kids you know" she says.

"It's best I stay here." he says.

"Why's that sweetie?" says the blonde.

The boy looks at her incredulously and says, "Because I'm the Goalie!"

What Flavour

 

Level Up

From Safely Endangered

Contents Warning

From Looks Good On Paper

I've had testicles all my life so now I'm ready for real icles.

Happy New Year

From Strange Brew

I've opened a gym called Resolutions.

It will have exercise equipment for the first two weeks . . .

. . . and then it will turn into a bar for the rest of the year.

Life In The Fast Lane

From Bound and Gagged

This was the year that was not the year

I repaired the bathroom tap

or emptied out the kitchen drawer

of a lifetime's worth of crap.

 

This was the year that was not the year

my lottery numbers came up.

Once more a BRIT eluded me,

as did an Oscar and World Cup.

 

This was the year that was not the year

I spent less time on my phone,

Nights of passion were not enjoyed

in a boutique hotel in Rome.

 

This was the year that was not the year

I became a household name.

Action figures weren't sold of me.

I wasn't made a dame.

 

This was the year that was the year

I didn't get that much done:

much the same as the year before,

much like the one to come.

 

by Brian Bilston