Opposites Attract

From Mark Lynch

Why do polar bears only live at the north pole?

Because if they also lived at the south pole, they would be bipolar bears.

Going The Extra Mile

From Twonk Comics

I was in a taxi the other day and the driver asked, “Is it okay if I put some music on?”

I responded, “Yeah, that’s fine, go ahead”.

He said, “Kiss?”.

I replied, “Look, just play the music first and then we’ll see how I feel”.

Open

From smbc

I’m not saying I’m old but when I was a kid if someone said they were on the Spectrum it meant they’d sat on your computer.

Puked Lunch

From Rhymes With Orange

A man was in the habit of getting drunk several times a week.

Enough is enough thought his wife, so she told him, “If you come home drunk once more, I’m leaving you”

The man went out that night with the best of intentions but ended up drinking so much that he vomited all over himself.

“My goodness, I appear to have vomited all over myself” he proclaimed.

“I smell of regurgitated spirits”, he said to his drinking companion, “now my wife will leave me”.

“Fear not” said the drinking companion, “Just walk in with £20 in your hand and say that someone else vomited on you and then gave you £20 for dry cleaning”.

So, the man went home and when he was accused of being drunk explained, “No, no dear I’m not drunk, see I was given £20 by the man who vomited all over me so that I could have my clothes dry cleaned.”

“Is that so”, asked his wife. “Then tell me, why do you have another £20 in your other hand?”

“Oh”, said the man, ”that was from the guy who shat in my pants.”

Where's My Easter Egg

Why is bread the body of Christ?

Because he is risen.

Nightime Fairy

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I had to get my pet lizard some Valium as he has been a bit stressed out.

Now he's a calmer, calmer, calmer chameleon!

Pigeon Acoustics

Bagpipes are the only instrument that, when you learn to play them properly, sound exactly the same as when you started.