Friday, 30 November 2012
Tuesday, 27 November 2012
Monday, 26 November 2012
Friday, 23 November 2012
Thursday, 22 November 2012
Wednesday, 21 November 2012
Monday, 19 November 2012
Drive Through Cash Machines
A new sign in the Bank reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. LOWER your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.
************************* ******
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check make-up.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Radial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Hand Brake.
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. LOWER your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.
************************* ******
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check make-up.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Radial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Hand Brake.
Friday, 16 November 2012
Family Beatings
A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a London courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Queens Park Rangers Football Club whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of beating anyone.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Queens Park Rangers Football Club whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of beating anyone.
Wednesday, 14 November 2012
Tuesday, 13 November 2012
Monday, 12 November 2012
Charitable Lawyer
The staff at a local charity office realised that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called the lawyer to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of $500,000, you have not given even a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the charity organisation representative mumbled, "Uh, no, I did not know that.”
"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The caller began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated caller, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea. I’m so sorry sir."
On a roll, the lawyer rudely cut him off once again, "So, if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of $500,000, you have not given even a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the charity organisation representative mumbled, "Uh, no, I did not know that.”
"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The caller began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated caller, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea. I’m so sorry sir."
On a roll, the lawyer rudely cut him off once again, "So, if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Friday, 9 November 2012
The Problem With Being A Programmer
My mum said, "Honey, please go to the market and buy a bottle of milk. If they have eggs, get 6".
I came back with 6 bottles of milk.
She said, "Why on earth did you buy 6 bottles of milk?"
I said, "because they had eggs".
I came back with 6 bottles of milk.
She said, "Why on earth did you buy 6 bottles of milk?"
I said, "because they had eggs".
Wednesday, 7 November 2012
Tuesday, 6 November 2012
Disney Set To Release Three New Star Wars Films After Buying LucasFilms
The new Death Star:
Leaked posters for episode 7:
Monday, 5 November 2012
Friday, 2 November 2012
Thursday, 1 November 2012
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