Terry and June

Gandalf Dolls

From Scott Metzger

Morning Routine

From Sunny Street

Phonetically Defined Christmas

From Wrong Hands

Christmas On Easter Island

From Bizarro

SnowGlobelWarning

From The Perry Bible Fellowship

Rebuild Required

From Buni Comic

Fight Or Flight

From TheArgyleSweater

Never Try To Match Wits With Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.


A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples...'

It's Always The Last Place You Look

From Faceless

Tasty Treats

From Official Pickles

Theft

From Liz Climo

Subtitles

From Bizarro

No Longer Bouncy

From Cyanide & Happiness

From Cyanide & Happiness

Practice

From LunarBaboon

Wearable Tech

From TheArgyleSweater

Warming Up

From Buni Comic

Augmented Reality

From smbc

Trapped

From Bizarro

Before LinkedIn

From Wrong Hands

Toilet Trauma

From Speedbump

Existential Crisis

From BerkeleyMews

Cleaning Golf Shoes

Jack decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes; his wife was standing there watching him.

After a long period of silence, she finally speaks.  "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing.  Maybe you should just sell your golf clubs."

Jack gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

And Jack says, "There for a minute, you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

And Jack replies, "I wasn't."

Translate

From Scott Metzger

Baby Clown Carriage

From Bizarro

Animals At Halloween

From Liz Climo

From Liz Climo

From Liz Climo

How Disease Spreads

From Buni Comic

Resist

From smbc

Emergency Pilot

From Faceless

Providing

From Sunny Street

Beelusion

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

Confused

From Poorly Drawn Lines

Charity Auction

I have a recently acquired the Banksy work shown below and am auctioning it for charity. Who'll start the bidding at £1,000,000?

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Bonus Content – a life well lived – you'll need a bit of time for this, and even then, I doubt you'll make it all the way through. Put the kettle on, pull up a comfy chair and settle back to learn about this unique man.

Rick Stein Obituary

Fountain Of Youth

BFF

From Buni Comic

. . . For your Thoughts

From Cyanide & Happiness

Polly Want A Cracker

From Bizarro

SpellCh'ck

The Surreal McCoy

Some More Gary Delaney Jokes

I hired a landscape gardener but he said that he couldn't help me because my garden is portrait.

I've just been cast as Oliver Twist, who could ask for more?

Do people who study sports science at university have to do sums on Wednesday afternoons?

I did terribly in the reverse parking on my driving test, but luckily I passed anyway and I haven't looked back since.

Barristers' wigs should really be called Judge Dreads.

I was in a sex shop and saw a dildo that was described as nine inches long and realistic; I asked, "Well which one is it then?"

'Hanging's too good for them' - My mum's extreme views on T-shirts.

A horse goes into a pub. The barman says why the long face? The horse says 'Because this is a Wetherspoons'.

I don't like to eat anything made out of reformed pork, because I think it's cruel to slaughter pigs just after they've got their lives back on track.

School is for loosers.

You say I only eat toast, but I say I get three square meals a day.

Apparently the winner of this year's London Marathon has been running since he was 5 years old, I reckon even I could finish it faster than that.

My granddad went down in history – and on one occasion fingered a girl in geography.

I recently entered a competition to see who's gained the most weight and lost the most hair, obviously it wasn't called that, it was advertised as a 'School Reunion'.

I dented my car recently so I took it down the body shop for repairs, and now it looks lovely but smells of white musk.

Acronyms should just be called A's.

I put on lots of weight so I called weight watchers and told them that it's an emergency, can you send someone round. They say – yes we can, we've got loads of them.

The more I read about confirmation bias, the more I think it might be true.

You're not supposed go swimming less than an hour after eating, and that's why I've never been swimming.

My Doctor said I should get my stomach stapled. I was so flattered that he still thinks I've got it in me to be a Playboy Centrefold.

I'm doing a half marathon! The half I'm doing is the carb loading.

My girlfiend's a cat person.

She's got fishy breath, shits in a tray and disappears for days at a time.

And Serena Williams remains unseeded for another year. I can't help thinking that a bit of lipstick and a push up bra . . .

I'm beached body ready.

I used to leave so many lights on at work that I was named Employee of the Moth.

In the 80s we didn't have noise cancelling headphones, so instead we just used to play blank tapes really loud.

I was watching tv and the announcer said that there was a documentary about the g-spot on the red button – but I couldn't find it.

Russell's Teapot

From xkcd

Scary Insects

From Faceless

Seeding

From smbc

Mix & Match

From Bizarro

Why There Aren't Many Male Prostitutes

From Cyanide & Happiness

Helping Hand

From LunarBaboon

Tracker

From Buni Comic