Thursday, 30 April 2020

When Just The Tide Went Out

Last night as I lay sleeping, when dreams came fast to me
I dreamt I saw Jerusalem beside a tideless sea
And one dream I'll remember as the stars began to fall
Was Banksy painting Alun Wyn on my neighbour's garage wall
And dreams like that sustain me 'til these darkest times have passed
And chase away the shadows no caring night should cast
But times like this can shine a light as hardship often can
To see the best in people and the good there is in man
And I remember Swansea with nobody about
The shops were closed like Sunday and just the tide went out

And I remember Mumbles with the harbour in its keep
And the fishing boats at anchor that trawl the waters deep
And I heard the seabirds calling as the gulls all wheeled about
But all the town was sleeping now and just the tide went out

And when these days are over and memories remain
When children painted rainbows and the sun shone through the rain
And the doctors and the nurses who stretchered all the pain
And I hope the carers never see a time like this again
And I prayed last week for Boris, who knocked on Heaven's door
And I thought of voting Tory, which I've never done before
And though the sun is shining I've no immediate plans
So I'll write a book on 'Staying In' and 'Ways To Wash Your Hands'

And now more days of lockdown, 3 weeks of staying in
I'm running out of vodka and I've started on the gin
And my neighbours are complaining, I've heard them scream and shout
With the sound the bins are making when I take the empties out

And when all this is over, and our fragile world survives
And I hope that God is caring now for the ones who gave their lives
And I pray we'll find an answer, for my faith is cast in doubt
And God draws back the heavens and all the stars come out

And I'll remember mornings with nobody about
When the shops were closed like Sunday, and just the tide went out

Max Boyce

Tuesday, 28 April 2020

Give Me All My Money


Let's all show our appreciation for Yodel and Hermes drivers at this time by clapping on our doorsteps tomorrow sometime between 7am and 8pm.

Friday, 24 April 2020

Shortage




TIP: When shopping in Waitrose ensure other shoppers stay the recommended two meters away by taking a Lidl carrier bag with you.

Thursday, 23 April 2020

Robert Smith's Lockdown Diary

I don't know if Monday's blue.
It could be Tuesday. Wednesday, too.
Or Friday, I don't have a clue.
But Thursday's when I clap.

Monday, I don't want to blame.
Tuesday, Wednesday not defame.
Nor Friday - every day's the same.
But Thursday's when I clap.

The weekend's scrapped.
No Saturday, Sunday. It's left a gap.
Thursdays, I never cease to clap.

I don't know if Monday's black.
A weekly schedule's what I lack.
My sense of time's not coming back.
But Thursday's when I clap.

Chronologies I disavow.
Tuesday's Wednesday, I don't know how.
Friday's just like Monday now.
But Thursday's when I clap.

Wednesday, 22 April 2020

Operation COVID-19



TIP: Convince your dog it's won Best in Show at Crufts by taking it out for a walk at 8pm on a Thursday.

Friday, 17 April 2020

Working Late


My neighbours aren't used to being at home all day, and they're arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling "shut the fuck up!" at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

Wednesday, 15 April 2020

Records and Books





and if you've got some time on your frequently washed hands, I've curated some creativity from YouTubeLand and put together the following

Monday, 13 April 2020

Feverish Times



I forgot to put my clock forward at the end of March and ended up being an hour late for absolutely nothing whatsoever.

Saturday, 11 April 2020

Quick Off The Mark


Together we can flatten the curve:


I can't believe the government are relying on models to forecast the pandemic, they should ask scientists instead, they're not as pretty but they know a lot more.

Friday, 10 April 2020

Booty Call


Sadly we've lost some of our local businesses recently. The bra shop has gone bust, the watch-menders has called time, the paper shop folded, the shoe repairers has been soled, the food blender factory has gone into liquidation, and the TV aerial shop called in the receivers.

I finally managed to get a delivery slot for my online shopping, so I've ordered turkey, sprouts, Christmas cake, some Christmas crackers and a pudding.

Thursday, 9 April 2020

Your Horoscope For This Week


Just a heads up.
If you get an email from the Department of Health and Social Care telling you that you shouldn't eat tinned pork and ham because it contains COVID‑19 ignore it; it's just spam.

This quarantine is affecting everyone in the workforce, but it's especially upsetting for men. We're losing £1 for every 79p women are losing.

Tuesday, 7 April 2020

Centre For The Study Of Viral Pathology


Roses are red
April is grey
The next time you leave your house
It will be May*

Thirty days hath September
April, June and November
All the rest have thirty one
Except March, which had 8000

Tracy: "The quarantine is over"
Me: Pauses Netflix, "Quarantine?"


*or later?

Monday, 6 April 2020

Red Alert


There wasn't much on the supermarket shelves yesterday so I decided to improvise.
Dinner last night was a risotto I made with some mushrooms I foraged for locally.
Not only was it delicious, but soon after a Welsh male voice choir of purple elephants showed up and sang the whole of Meatloaf's Bat Out of Hell album accompanied by a light show.

Wednesday, 1 April 2020

Home Schooling


Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was his picture day at school (his school, of course, is our kitchen table).
It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that our kid is starting to crack.
Either way, I charged him £45 for a 15 picture package.