Catastrophe

From The Perry Bible Fellowship

Why do you never notice pilots when you're in town?

Because they're usually in d'skies.

High Achiever

From OffTheMark

Wife: "Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world"

Me: "Well it got me to the International Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2005"

Wife: "Really?"

Me: "No"

Appealing To The Young

From Dave Granlund

When I was young, I was poor. But after years of hard, honest and painstaking work, I'm no longer young.

Quick Snack

From Buni Comic

If interfering was an Olympic sport, my missus would have a meddle in it.

Ex Wife

From Faceless

My wife left me for another man.

All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out.

And while he's going through all that, I'll be in the pub with my mates every night.

Fight Fire With . . .

From smbc

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

Beware

From BerkeleyMews

I once took a slightly damaged stuffed dog on the Antiques Roadshow.

The expert said, "This is very rare, do you know what it would fetch if it was in good condition?"

I said, "I dunno, sticks I suppose?"

Buddy, You're A Fowl, Got A Big Scowl

From TheArgyleSweater

I went to a bar last night to watch a Swedish pop duo sing a few songs, but when I arrived everyone else was leaving.

I said to the barmaid, "This is the place where Roxette are performing isn't it?"

She said "It must have been, love, but it's over now".

5 Period Forecast

 

From xkcd

Punctuation is very important. An example:

There's a Maypole dancer.

Theresa May, pole dancer.

If (Eton College version)

If you can keep your job when all around you

Lies ravaged from what it is you've done;

If intellect and common sense confound you

And if integrity you have but none;

If you can lie and not be tired by lying,

And pretend you act for the public good,

But then leave the people to their dying

And say you did, sadly, all you could:

If you can dream - of nothing more than power;

If you can think - but only of yourself;

If you believe this country's finest hour

Is when the chosen few can gain more wealth;

If you can flout the law with bluff and bluster

And not care whether you are believed,

Or deny with scorn every single blunder

And not care how many you may deceive:

If you can stir up hatred, fear and violence

To create division to suit your ends;

And answer cries for help with silence,

And then laugh about it with your friends:

If you can stretch this country to its limit

Or until it is you've had your fun,

Yours is this land and everything that's in it,

And - as you wished - you'll be PM, Johnson.

Brian Bilston

From Brian Bilston

Making Crackling

From Bizarro

9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels are the leading cause of dry skin.

Welsh Word Search

From Wrong Hands

I hardly ever use the word seldom.

Simple IQ Test

From OffTheMark

When they say "instant credit" don't they actually mean "instant debt"?

Where Babies Come From

From Cyanide & Happiness

My mate set me up on a blind date.

He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby".

I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.

Taking Care

From ExtraFabulousComics

Sex burns up 350 calories each time.

Please help me, I'm on a diet.

Validation

From Toonhole

This clown car that Bonnie Tyler sold me is fine but every now and then it falls apart.

He Left Again

From HeyBuddy

I can't leave the house without playing 'Back in Black' 20 times.

I think I've got OC/DC.

Ventriloquist Club

From JimBenton

I attended a book club where everyone was ginger.

It wasn't half a well read group.