Feeling Loyal

From Dilbert

I came home early from work and found my wife cheating.

The lazy bitch has hired a cleaner.

Is The Pope Catholic?

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

Q: What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

A: Dr Dre

Knock Knock Jokes For Cats

From OffTheMark

I just had a delivery guy from DPD knock on my door.

He said "I've got a parcel for your next door neighbour".

I said "You've got the wrong house then mate".

Neighbourhood Watch

From The Argyle Sweater

My next door neighbour said to me "Is it ok if I use your lawnmower?"

I said "Certainly, just don't take it out of my garden".

Titanic, The True Story

From smbc

Booginner

From Loading Artist

I've just started to write a book about hurricanes and tornadoes...

It's only a draft at the moment.

Who's A Good Boy?

From HeyBuddy

York, so good they named it.

Machine Learning Captcha

From xkcd

If Microsoft Word has taught me anything it's that if I want to get a point across, I need to use bullets.

Diversity

From Will McPhail

I once thought about having a sex change to become a woman.

But in the end I decided that I couldn't afford the pay cut.

Peek-a-boo

From JimBenton

INSTRUCTOR: pull your shute!
ME: my shoe?
INSTRUCTOR: your parachute!
ME: my pair of shoes?
[later]
CORONER: Where's his shoes?

Scary Stories

From Liz Climo

From Liz Climo

I bumped into a man with a white stick and a guide dog.

I said, "You must be blind".

He said, "Tell me something I don't know".

I said, "There's a tree over there".

Reference Shelf

From Wrong Hands

I recently bought a great book about Feng Shui, but I can't decide where to keep it.

Safe Laptop Use

From Cyanide & Happiness

I received an email today from a 'bored house-wife, aged 32. fit, looking for some action'.

So, I arranged to send her a week's supply of my washing and ironing to help keep her busy.

Athurian Ancestry.com

A little boy goes to his father and asks, 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father Answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via email with your mum and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.

There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little pop-up appeared that said: "You got male!"'

PostCat's First Day

From Scribbly G

If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN they get very angry.

It's Coming

From Buni Comic

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning.

Can you believe that 2:30am‽

Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Thief

From Rhymes With Orange

There's no "i" in "team".

But there are two in "schizophrenia".

Panda Pranks

From TheArgyleSweater

Last night my wife sent me a text, saying she was in casualty.

When I got home, I watched all 50 minutes of it – I didn't see her once.

She still hasn't come home yet.

I'm starving! :(

Bank Teller

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I've been having sex with a blind woman for the last three months.

The sex is great but it isn't easy.

Getting her husband's voice right was the hardest bit.