You're Gonna Walk

From JimBenton

I could never own a dog.

I gag enough when I have to pick up my own pooh in the park.

Context Matters

From Little Porpoise

My wife woke up this morning and said, "I had a dream last night that you gave me a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?"

I said, "You'll find out later".

So, when I came home later, I handed her a package.

Inside the package was a book called "Your Dreams and What They Mean".

Hardship

From Moderately Confused

My wife phoned me bawling her eyes out earlier.

She sobbed "I've got something to tell you".

I said "What's wrong? Why are you so upset?"

She said "I've flooded the kitchen".

I said "Wow, how long have you been crying?"

Self-Driving Car

From Dilbert

I've just been out panic buying and bought 32 Smiths albums.

Pet Cemetery

From Yaffle by Jeffrey Caulfield and Brian Ponshock

This Be The Curse

 

They muck you up, these stuck-up cats.

You may not think so but it's true.

They come and sit upon your lap

When there are other things to do.

 

You wait upon them, hand and foot,

And in return get fleas and lice,

Their hairs collect upon your suit,

They bring you chewed-up heads of mice.

 

Cats hand on misery to man.

It gathers in the litter tray.

So get up quickly while you can

Before the cat climbs back to stay.

Beware How You Talk To Idiots (or Children)

My mum said, "Honey, please go to the market and buy a bottle of milk.  If they have eggs, get 6".

I came back with 6 bottles of milk.

She said, "Why on earth did you buy 6 bottles of milk?"

I said, "because they had eggs".

So Much Food

From James Breakwell

Customer: I'll have the mouse please.

Waiter: That's mousse sir.

Customer: Never mind then, that'll be far too much food.

The Sound Of Nature

From Buni Comic

I'm convinced my budgie's been working out.

You should see his pecks.

Origin Story

From Little Porpoise

What does every woman in the world want?

Nothing. They're fine.

Crush

From Cyanide & Happiness

My daughter is at that stage where she finds it embarrassing to be seen out with me.

When I dropped her off at school this morning, she wouldn't even kiss me goodbye.

She just left me standing there in my underpants and sombrero.

Horror Film 10

From OffTheMark

Horror Film 9

From OffTheMark

Horror Film 8

From OffTheMark

Horror Film 7

From OffTheMark

Horror Film 6

From OffTheMark

Horror Film 5

From OffTheMark

Horror Film 4

From OffTheMark

Horror Film 3

From OffTheMark

Horror Film 2

From OffTheMark

Horror Film 1

From OffTheMark

Married Mummies

From Speedbump

A couple were Christmas shopping.

The shopping centre was packed and as the wife walked around, she was surprised to discover that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said: "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said: "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied: "Well, I'm in the pub next door!"

The Advice Arachnid

From Safely Endangered

Nowadays when people die of consumption it's more likely to mean diabetes than TB

Horror

From Liniers Cartoon

I found my first skydiving experience terrifying.

I jumped out of the plane clinging to a burly man.

Anyway, about halfway down he said "So how long have you been an instructor?"

 

Perspective

From Rhymes With Orange

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

Christina Koch on the ISS

From Faceless

My wife insists on tidying up before the cleaner comes.

That's as ridiculous as me having a wank before taking the babysitter home.