The Chocolate

From JimBenton

Why do mathematicians confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

Multitasking

From Dilbert

An Easy Way To Remember Which Way The Clocks Go In Autumn:

The evenings are creeping in.

The collective noun for a group of tortoises is a creep.

The combined weight of 9 African spurred tortoises is approximately 365Kg.

There are 365 days in a year on the planet earth.

The best way to move mounds of earth is with a bulldozer.

Bulldozer rhymes with Composer.

One of the most recognised composers was Johann Christian Bach.

Bach sounds like Back.

Back. The clocks go back.

Road Safety

From Bliss

I was driving towards a village and, I'll admit it, I thought I was going a bit fast. But then one of those auto road signs flashed up 87mph, and spookily enough, that was exactly the speed I was travelling at. So hey, I figured I was OK.

Extreme Kondo

From Andertoons

Even after all these years my wife still thinks I'm sexy.

Whenever I walk by she says, "What an ass".

Aide Memoire

From Cornered

My son, Luke, loves it that we named him after a Star Wars character.

My daughter Chewbacca, not so much.

Know Your Cloud Formations

From Wrong Hands

From OffTheMark

From The Other Coast

Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?

Because it was a for-rainer

Know Your Cloud Formations

From Wrong Hands

From OffTheMark

From The Other Coast

Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?

Because it was a for-rainer.

Banking App

It's okay, they scan the serial numbers and make sure you can't deposit the same note more than once.

From xkcd

I walked out of Tesco yesterday and saw a woman crying her eyes out saying she'd lost all her holiday money.

I felt so bad for her that I gave her £50.

I don't usually do things like that but I was feeling generous as I'd just found 2 grand in the car park....

Know Your Computers

From smbc

My computer suddenly started singing "Someone Like You."

It's a Dell.

Shell Problems

From OffTheMark

From The Argyle Sweater

I went to an osteopath to sort out my bad posture.

I used to think they were all charlatans, but now I stand corrected.

Good Boy Quiz

From Junk Drawer

I kind of regret not taking the time to learn French when I was young.

Ah well, such is life.

Honk

From The Far Side

I noticed a load of random items on my bank statement (size 80 shoes, a bicycle horn, a huge plastic flower).

I contacted my bank and apparently my card has been clowned.

Cat Lady

From Reality Check

I'm waiting for some Elvis memorabilia to be delivered, but it's been held up in the depot (in the depoooooot).

Turn Around

From Dustinteractive

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!

At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

Amazon Primate

From Speedbump

I went to the Apple Store with my grandmother on Saturday.

She's so old fashioned.

She still calls it the greengrocers.

Welcome To Hogwarts

From BerkeleyMews

You come from dust; you will return to dust.

That's why I don't dust.

It could be someone I know.

Siphoning Fuel

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

There's a woman in our local park flogging stolen batteries.

She sells c-cells by the seesaw.

She gives the used ones away free of charge.

Silent Treatment

 From Rhymes With Orange

I need to rehome a dog.

It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.

If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

Finally

From Cory Richardson

I felt a bit uncomfortable when I drove into the cemetery and the GPS announced, "You have reached your final destination."

Rookie Mistake

From The Jenkins

What's James Bond known as when he goes abroad?

+44 007

Dancing Balloon Men In Training

From The Bent Pinky

I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers because I can always count on them.

Sisypuss

From Close to Home by John McPherson

From Loose Parts

I would have put my Sisyphus joke here but I've got tired of telling it over and over and over again.