Approach With Care

Animal Inspired Fashions

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I think my mate from Lancashire may be a transvestite.

He has a Wigan address.

This is Lexi

This is Lexi.

She's an 8 week old German Shepherd.

I bought Lexi as a surprise gift for my wife, but it turns out she's allergic to dogs, so we are now looking to find her a new home.

She is 55 years old, a beautiful and caring woman who can drive, is a great cook and keeps a spotless house.

All genuine offers considered.

Please give generously.

Season's Greetings

From TheArgyleSweater

Checking The Situation

From Moderately Confused

Choosing Gifts

From Mark Lynch

Hot Tub

Santa Claus, the Truth

From Buni Comic

Christmas Wish

From GoodBearComics

As it's Christmas soon my wife's been leaving jewellery catalogues all over the house.

So, I've taken the hint.

I've got her a magazine rack.

Visiting Santa

From Speedbump

Santa Delivers

From Cyanide & Happiness

My wife has begun hinting that she wants something black and lacy for Christmas.

So, I've bought her a pair of football boots.

Christmas Trees's Tree

From Sunny Street

Unwrapping

From The Argyle Sweater

TOP TIP

Wrap some empty boxes up in wrapping paper and place them beneath the Christmas tree.

Then, every time one of your children starts playing up, throw one on to the fire.

(NB: a box, not a child)

We're Looking For Someone

From JimBenton

"What do we want?"

"The end of religious brainwashing."

"When do we want it?"

"After Christmas."

Christmas Party / Tree

From Liz Climo

Smooth Operator

From BogartCreek

Regime

From Reality Check

Which fruit is most like a number?

... nine, ten, a lemon, twelve, ...

Rose Tinted Glasses

From The Jenkins

TEPOLE POO

Dyslexics are tepole poo, you know?

Mind Your Language

From Dilbert

It's been over three months since I ordered that How To Scam People Online book.

And it still hasn't arrived!

Mimic

From Speedbump

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

Lucky Day

From The Perry Bible Fellowship

Why are anteaters always healthy?

Because they're full of antibodies.

Play Date

From Bliss

I knitted a jumper for myself out of golden retriever hairs.

I think I look quite fetching in it.

In The Beginning

From Junk Drawer

I think my wife's started to show the first signs of Alzheimer's.

She said she can't remember what she ever saw in me.

Inventory Problems

From Loose Parts

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.  I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

Non-Friction Books

From Bliss

That's the last time I buy my underpants from Primark.

They've fallen to bits after only six months.

I wouldn't mind, but they've only been in the washer twice.

Yellow Lives Matter

From OffTheMark

I can't stand racism and think it should be stamped out.

I don't see that it matters whether you're black, brown, yellow or normal.

This Be The Rhyme

From Wumo

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a lead.

The bartender says "You can't have that thing in here! Get out!"

The guy says "It's okay, this Alligator is highly trained.

Just give me a few seconds and I'll show you."

 

The bartender, intrigued, gives him the go-ahead.

The man gingerly lifts the alligator up onto a table.

By this point, everybody in the bar is gawking at this strange man and his pet.

The man grins around the room.

 

Having a new audience, he clears his throat and says "This is Allie the Amazing Alligator, and he is so well-trained that I can do this,"

He balls up his fist and gives the alligator a swift crack on the head.

"OPEN!" He says.

The alligator opens his mouth.

Before the bartender can do anything, the man unzips his fly and gingerly places his penis in the front of the alligator's gaping maw.

 

He wallops the alligator once more and says "CLOSE!" and the alligator ever-so-gently closes his terrifying jaws comfortably around his junk.

 

One last time, he raps his head and says "OPEN!"

He removes his unharmed manhood, and tucks it safely back into his pants.

The crowd applauds, and he takes a bow.

 

With all eyes still focused on him, he says "Now, if any of you guys have the balls to do that, I'll buy you a drink and give you fifty dollars."

Silence falls over the bar, and everyone looks around for someone who might be willing to take the bet.

After a few endless, uncomfortable seconds, a little dude in the back slowly raises his hand and says "I'll do it, but you have to promise not to hit me so hard."

Co-Habitortoise

From The Argyle Sweater

We were out having dinner when my girlfriend said, "We've been living together for three years now and you still haven't popped the question"

"Good point, when are you moving out?" I asked.

Distraction

From OffTheMark

I can't believe it's Christmas Eve already!

Or at least that's what it looks like judging by the state of my advent calendar.