Who's Not A Good Boy?

From OffTheMark

I went to see my new solicitor today and asked him what his fee was.

He said "I charge £100 for three questions".

I said "That's awfully steep, isn't it?"

"Yes" he said "Now what's your final question?"

Trailblazer

Don't worry about your tv and your phone spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years.

Encouragement

From Speedbump

My three favourite things are eating my family and not using commas.

Frankcestry

From OffTheMark

From The Argyle Sweater

My father was a masochist who liked to have an ice cold shower every morning.

So he didn't.

Everyday Is A Winding Road

From Reality Check

I went to HMV earlier and asked the guy behind the counter if they had any Run DMC records.

He said "Walk this way".

Weaning

From Rhymes With Orange

I don't eat croissants because I've got eczema and I never quite know when I've finished.

Chef's Salad

From CAW4HY

Everyone scoffed when I said I'd be a cook.

They're not scoffing now.

Settings

From Loose Parts

Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation.

We Come Seeking Mates

From smbc

I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting.

I often wonder what she's up to now.

Ghost Swing

From Scribbly G

Breaking News

NoVax DjoCovid is the first tennis player in history to be eliminated from the Australian Open after missing only two shots.

Tiger Trap

From OffTheMark

I phoned up the fishing helpline today.

I said "I'm really hopeless at fishing and need some tips".

The man said "Okay, can you hold the line?"

I said "No".

Ski Team

From Bliss

I've been a fan of gazpacho soup since before it was cool.

Canine Court

From Andertoons

I'm a rebel me . . . norules# (Andy Askins)

Preparation

From Farcus

FACT: 'Tapas' is Spanish for 'we're going to need more'.

Turkey Vulture

From Bird and Moon

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

2022

From Dinos and Comics

I love red wine.

In fact, I've just joined a wine club.

We meet at 9 o'clock every morning in the park.

Seasonal Catering

From Rhymes With Orange

It's fun watching the newbies in the gym in January as they try to figure out how everything works.

Yesterday, for example, I was most amused to see some fool on the treadmill putting a water bottle in the Pringles holder.

Birthday Balloons

New Arrival

From Buni Comic