New Experience

From GobSmackedComic

I'm celibate by choice.

Not my choice; everybody else's.

Totem Pole Artist

From Joseph Nowak

I bought some of those flavoured condoms the other day.

I said to my wife, "Let's play a game. I'll put one on and you have to try and guess what flavour it is."

So, she went underneath the duvet and after a moment or two she said, "Cheese and onion?"

I said, "For goodness sake, woman, give me a chance to get the damn thing on."

Subspecies

From Break of Day

A woolly mammoth walks down the street.

All of a sudden, a dozen elephants turn the corner, see the mammoth, run up to it and give it a good kicking.

After they've gone the mammoth stands up, spits broken tusks and says: "I hate skinheads!"

Us and Them

From Wrong Hands

I bet Rick Astley really struggles with Lent.

One Of Nine

From Andertoons

My wife just told me that in 9 months, I'm in for a big surprise...

I can't wait for Santa to come now!

OT Outfit

From Bliss

I came home early from work last night to find my wife spread out naked on our bed breathlessly awaiting my sexual advances.

Bless her, she was so horny for me she never even realised my mate Arthur was under the bed looking for a DVD he'd lent me.

Drumming Up Trade

From OffTheMark

I've been trying really hard to break up with my optician girlfriend.

Every time I tell her I can't see her any more, she moves a bit closer to me and says, "How about now, is that any better?"

Special Breakfast

From JimBenton

Are you sweating whilst putting petrol in your car?

Feeling sick when paying for it?

If so, then you have got the carownervirus.

Couch

From smbc

My wife told me that she doesn't like the person I become when she's on her period.

Comic Relief

From Speedbump

2 clowns were eating a cannibal and one says to the other "I think we're doing this joke wrong"

T-Rex Selfie

From Liz Climo

The recent fuel price increases don't affect me… I only ever put £20 in.

New Content

From Dinos and Comics

My car is in such poor condition the resale value goes up and down depending on how much petrol is in it.

Tough Pictionary Round

From The Jenkins

The guy at pump 6 next to me put a fiver's worth of petrol in his car.

I thought - where's he going, pump 2?

Mouse House

From Will McPhail

Petrol pumps are so much faster than they used to be.

It used to take me two minutes to reach fifty quid but now I can do it in 30 seconds.

Well done garages!

 -  Gary Delaney

Petrol Price Solution

From Loading Artist

A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol.

At that moment, a bee flew in his window.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the bee.

"I'm out of petrol," the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.

Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.

After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

"Try it now," said the bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.

"Wow," the man exclaimed, "what did you put in my petrol tank?"

"BP," answered the bee.

Bad Day At The Office

From Loose Parts

If Mary gave birth to baby Jesus and baby Jesus is the Lamb of God, did Mary have a little lamb?

Lost Thought

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

Thought for the day:

I bet Rick Astley really struggles with Lent.

New Phone Partner

From Cyanide & Happiness

From Bored Panda

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other one afternoon when the phone rings.

She answers and the man leans over to listen in."

Oh, I'm so glad you called." she says in a cheery voice.

Really? Well, that's wonderful. I'm so happy for you.

Yes, sounds terrific.

I'm absolutely fine, thanks. You just enjoy yourself.

Great. Thanks. Okay, bye for now."

She hangs up.

The man asks, 'Who was that?"

She replies, "That was my husband telling me what a great time he's having on his golf trip with you."

Couples Shopping

From Anjali Srivastava

If you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

New Home Way Out West

From The Argyle Sweater

The Wisdom Of Solomon

 

Two women were on a bus fighting bitterly over the only available seat.

The conductor was unsuccessfully trying to intervene when the bus driver shouted to the conductor, "Let the ugly one take the seat".

Both women stood for the rest of the journey

Argument done!

A Dozen Delaneys

It's called 'Getting your guns out' because you have the right to bare arms.

 

Metamorphosis isn't the only book about a man who wakes one day to discover he's suddenly a beetle. There's also Ringo Starr's autobiography.

 

My girlfriend says I'm paranoid. Well she doesn't say it, but she thinks it.

 

I've got a solution to the growing problem of obesity in schoolchildren - bring back bullying. Some people think that's a bit harsh, and they could be right, you shouldn't have a go at the fat kids, they've got enough on their plates already.

 

I've got one of those anti-bullying wrist bands. Didn't buy it; nicked it off a wimpy kid.

 

Somebody told me I was the second least inquisitive person they'd ever met and I said 'That's good'.

 

I thought I saw Idris Elba in town earlier, but it turned out it was just Idris Arse.

 

Ampersand should really be written ampers&.

 

Why do you never hear Michelle Pfeiffer in the toilet? Because she has a silent P.

 

My jacket has patches on the elbows as it used to be a smoking jacket.

Still Practicing

From Speedbump

My wife yelled from the bedroom asking, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

I replied, "No."

She yelled back, "How about now?"