My attractive female neighbour is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her; she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified?
Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
My umbrella broke in half today and I was going to throw it away . . .
. . . but then I saw that the weather forecast said that there was a 50% chance of rain . . .
. . . so it'll be perfect.
My wife discovered a load of animal porn on my computer, but I think I got away with it.
I blamed the dog.
I guess he was annoyed at being crucified right at the start of a four day weekend.
I've been trying to give up making innuendos for Lent . . .
. . . and lately it's been getting really hard . . .
. . . but I think that I'm going to pull it off.
I live near a remedial school.
There's a sign that says, 'slow – children'.
That can't be good for their self-esteem.
But look on the positive side . . . they can't read it.
This morning I saw my neighbour talking to her cat.
It was clear that she thought that the cat understood her.
I went home and told my dog.
We laughed and laughed.
An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery.
The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.
He says to the Irishman: "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."
"That's just simple thievery," the Irishman replied.
"I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."
The Irishman then proceeded to call to the owner of the bakery saying: "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick."
The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it.
He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says:
"Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?"
The Irishman then said: "Look in the Englishman's pockets."
I want to eat 5 meals a day.
Who decided on just 3?
The same person who came up with the 2 day weekend?
What a bozo!
My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink…
No one listened, but he kept warning them until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the cinema.
God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers.
But in the end, he went with plan Bee.
Working at the Job Centre has to be a tense job
- knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
I'm watching a brilliant documentary about how police measure motorists' blood alcohol levels.
It's breathtaking.
