Learning New Tricks

From Bliss

From The Far Side

My son came home from school and told me he had ADD.

I said "What's that son?"

He said "Dunno, I wasn't paying attention".

Early Risers

From OffTheMark

[in a US airport]

"You can't take nail clippers on a plane, you might hijack it"

[on a US street]

"Why do you have that machine gun?"

"Hunting"

Bored Housewife

From Mark Lynch

For my American friends:

It's Mum not Mom

It's crisps not chips

It's chips not fries

It's football not soccer

It's school not shooting range

EFL Class

From The Argyle Sweater

Apparently, it's only repartée if it comes from the Repartée region of France.

Otherwise, it's just sparkling wit.

Shrimp v Crab Race

From Brain Hole Sky

It is still 9 months until pancake day.

And yet, the shops are already full of flour, milk and eggs.

How ridiculous is that?

How Many Languages Do You Speak?

From F Minus

From Will McPhail

Wife: "I had a crazy dream last night"

Me: "I taught the dog to speak"

Wife: "No, that wasn't it"

Dog: "Wasn't what?"

Eyepatch Emporium

From Loose Parts

I get really fed up of making spelling mistakes.

You mix up a couple of letters and your whole gag is urined.

Everyday Activity

From Dinos and Comics

My wife asked me why I spoke so softly in the house.

I told her it was because I thought Mark Zuckerberg might be listening.

She laughed.

I laughed.

Alexa laughed.

Siri laughed.

Diesel Train

From Rhymes With Orange

Even though I never went to boarding school,

I still know how to get on a train.

Choice

From The Jenkins

Which of the following is a dangerous disease?

 

A) Bola

B) Bola

C) Bola

D) Bola

E) Bola

A World With No Lawyers

From Pain Comics

These lawyers are getting sneaky.

The other day I clicked on a link that said, "Start your free trial", and now I've been convicted of murder.

Bad Job Prospects

From See Mike Draw

A Short Poem for #StarWarsDay

 

Her name was Yoda,

A showgirl she was.

From Brian Bilston

Heavy Metal

From Dark Side Of The Horse

Today really has been a bit of a strange day!

First, I found a hat full of money . . .

. . . and then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar.