Batman

From Liniers Cartoon

Robin: "Batman, why do you wear dark colours?"

Batman: "Because Robin, it makes me less likely to be shot"

Robin: "Then why do I wear bright colours?"

Batman: "Because Robin, it makes me less likely to be shot"

Oops

From Wumo

I hate telling people I'm a taxidermist.

When they ask what I do every day, I say: "Y'know. Stuff."

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

From The Perry Bible Fellowship

It's been proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys.

Girls develop breasts around the age of 13, boys around the age of 40.

Taking Advantage

From Pardon My Planet

I'm sick of women saying that men "only get into relationships for sex".

Not all of us are that shallow.

Some of us want our ironing done too.

Bad At Names

From xkcd

My wife left me because I'm too insecure.

No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

Insect Census Takers

From Loose Parts

How many cockroaches does it take to change a lightbulb?

Nobody knows. Once it turns on, they all scatter.

Rural Monopoly

From Wrong Hands

Just a little update on the situation with my son because some of you have been fairly concerned.

He has taken going to jail pretty hard. He is refusing all food, spitting and screaming at everyone and is threatening violence at anyone who comes near him. He has smeared the walls with his faeces and is refusing to wear any clothes.

As a family we are united in our decision not to play Monopoly with him ever again.

Worse Than Snoring

From Speedbump

My wife and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex.

No weirdos please.

Favourite Child

From smbc

Things that I wonder about:

Why is the word short longer than the word long?

Teeth Marks

From OffTheMark

That's the last time I use a Chinese barber.

I asked for a Number 4 all over and I'm still trying to get the chop suey out of my hair.

Early DNA Test

From The Argyle Sweater

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."

Husband: "What's up?"

Wife: "According to DNA test results, this is not our kid."

Husband: "We already knew that, you remember, don't you?

When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had soiled the nappy we'd just put on him. And you said:

'Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here.'"

Innovation

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

From Scribbly G

A few years ago, I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.

It was a flop.

Upsetting Revelation

From Dinos and Comics

I was about to tell you a time travelling joke.

But you guys didn't like it.

Throwing Your Bark

From Bliss

A ventriloquist walks into a bar

"Ouch", says the man next to him.

Poor Roland

From Mark Lynch

What happens when you boil a funny bone?

It becomes a laughing stock.