Progressing Through Life

From Dinos and Comics

I've just started my new job at the recycling plant.

They've got me melting down all the old 60's Motown vinyl records.

It's absolutely soul destroying.

Frequent Victims Club

From Dilbert

I paid for a coffee in Starbucks earlier.

I've no idea how much it cost in Earth money.

Tall Girls

From Speedbump

A giraffe can grow up to 18 feet.

But they usually have only 4.

The Captcha Conspiracy

From smbc

If robots can't identify zebra crossings or traffic lights in captcha images . . .

. . . maybe self-driving cars aren't such a good idea.

Acme Tilting

From Leigh Rubin

My flatmate claims I'm schizophrenic.

The joke's on him; I don't have a flatmate.

Assessment

From JimBenton

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act.

He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honour," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. However, before I let you go, I'm going to ask you to do one thing."

"Anything, Your Honour," the hunter replies. "What is it?"

The judge says, "It's been illegal to kill a protected species for many years, so very few people have ever eaten a bald eagle. For the record, can you please tell everyone what a bald eagle tastes like?"

The hunter thinks for a moment and then replies, "It tastes pretty good. Kind of like a cross between a spotted owl and a condor."

DNA Results

From Chucklebros

It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home.

When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, "How was your journey?"

The baby mosquito replied, "It went great, everyone was clapping for me!"

And You Run And You Run To Catch Up With The Sun But It's Sinking

From Bliss

Einstein asks his wife what she needed from him.

She replied, "Just two things, space and time."

Einstein: "Ok, what's the 2nd thing?"

Farewell

When I told my wife I'd lost the DVD of our wedding, she ripped me a new one.

Ninja Sloth

From OffTheMark

From OffTheMark

From OffTheMark

From OffTheMark

I once went on a trip to Japan and I didn't see a single ninja.

Impressive.

Learning New Skills

From Bliss

I think that any love is good lovin'

So I took what I could get

Mmh, mmh, mmh

She looked at me with big brown eyes

And said,

"Woof"

(Barkman-Turner Overdrive)

Virus-free. www.avg.com

The March Of Progress

From Faceless

I bought a new deodorant stick today.

The instructions said remove the wrapper and push up the bottom.

I can hardly walk but when I fart the room smells lovely!

The Lesser Of Two Evels

From Wrong Hands

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I'm great at analogies.

To The Moon . . . And Back

From Reality Check

A T-Rex and a Velociraptor are sitting in a bar.

The velociraptor points to a triceratops in the corner and says, "Why is he first to get served?"

The T-Rex replies, "Because he was herbivorous".

You've Got To Have A Plan

From Buni Comic

I booked a flight with Ryanair.

They said, '£100 for a seat on an aisle or £10 for by the window',

I said, 'By the window please'.

They said, 'For an extra £100 would you like to make that inside the plane?'

Dog, Genie

From Asher Perlman

A fortune teller told me that in 10 to 15 years, I would suffer the most terrible heartbreak any man has ever faced.

I was so upset to learn this that I decided to cheer myself up.

I adopted a puppy, and I've never been happier.

Jehova's Best Friend

From Leigh Rubin

My friend is a Jehovah's Witness.

He got mad at me because he tried to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.