2024 Is Upon Us

From Bound and Gagged

2024 is the year I finally get to live my dreams.

So, I've booked myself in to re-sit my A levels naked.

Somebody Needs A Hug

From Wawawiwa Comics

The average person has sex 89 times a year.

Sounds like I'm set to have a spectacular weekend.

Hammy's Grocery

From Rhymes With Orange

I went to the shop the other day to buy half a dozen cans of Sprite.

It was only when I got home that I realised that I'd picked 7 up.

Dapper Mechanic

From The Jenkins

The jumper that I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity.

So, I took it back to the shop it came from to see what they could do about it.

They exchanged it for another free of charge.

Special Show

From Speedbump

I can't believe that there are still 7 weeks until pancake day and already the shops are selling bread and flour.

While You Were Sleeping

From Reality Check

A Traditional Family Christmas

It wasn't until that first Christmas with your family
that I realised how we all do it differently,
how every family forges its own traditions, as bright
and distinct as any giant, shining star.

The way you laid out coal sacks instead of stockings;
the recital of a limerick before the opening of each present,
Christopher Lee's heavy metal Christmas album
playing quietly in the background; the pre-breakfast snorkel;

the Dance of the Seven Baubles; the festive epaulettes;
lunch with its ptarmigan fritters in milk sauce,
the suet potatoes, and the sweet and sour popcorn;
the replenishing of glasses with red turkey wine;

sprout-rolling in the park; the posting of a tinsel stick
through Mr Jennings' letterbox; and back for an evening of TV
(some classic episodes of Panorama) and games
(Hoist the Pickle, No Elbows Please!, Speculum) then bed.

The following year you came to my family for Christmas.
You said later that it was weird.

From Brian Bilston

House Entrance

From War and Peas

Please don't forget . . .

. . . the scales get put back one stone tonight.

Female Referee

Breaking News

Rebecca Welch became the first woman to referee a match in the Premier League this afternoon when she officiated during the Fulham v Burnley match.

She booked one player in the first half for abusive language, another in the second half for a late challenge and several throughout the game for fouls that they committed years ago and had completely forgotten about.

Santapede

From Looks Good On Paper

Just 2 more sleeps until blokes start shopping for that perfect gift.

Heat Loss

From Speedbump

I've decided to form a group choir for Christmas.

Anyone wanting to join will be welcome.

So far, it's just Dean, Don, Mary, Lee and I.

Winning Hand

From Buni Comic

Did you hear that Boney M have updated their Christmas hit, Mary's Boy Child, to make it more in keeping with modern sensibilities?

It's called Their They Child!

Harsh Economics Lesson

From Wumo

I've just got the wife's Christmas present.

I hope that it's one that she likes.

It's called Tester.

Face Lift

From The Argyle Sweater

Aldi are selling reindeer steaks this Christmas.

Not to be outdone, one of their rivals has started selling Lidl Donkey.

Risky Date

From OffTheMark

What do we want?

An end to all organised religion.

When do we want it?

After Christmas.

Christmas Field Guide

From Bird and Moon

Does anyone have the recipe for figgy pudding?

I've had carol singers outside my door for hours now and they won't go away until they've got some.

Christmas From A Dog's Perspective

 From JimBenton

The kids keep laughing about my memory.

They won't be laughing at Christmas when there are no eggs under the tree.

Beaver Christmas

 

From JimBenton

Just waiting to hear the dates of the Tesco staff Christmas parties.

After all, I have been using the self service tills for them all year.

Christmas Tree(ts)

From Safely Endangered

Parents Night Out

From Mother Goose & Grimm (22nd of March 2007)

I was walking along the street and this bloke kept trying to give me a chicken.

I'm thinking that I'm going to make a run for it.

Not Even Deliberately Blank

From Break of Day

I went to a hotel and was given room 404 . . .

. . .but I just couldn't find it . . .

. . . so, they moved me to room 301 instead.

Mating Season

From Mark Lynch

People used to think that Liverpool fans smell; but it's just that they never wore cologne.

Baby Pictures

From Dogs on the 4th

I went to visit a friend at the hospital and the only parking spot was at the C section.

I had to climb out of the car through the sunroof.

Cat Advent Calendar

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

I don't have an advent calendar this year so I'm just opening cupboard doors and eating whatever is in there. 

Time To Start The Advent Calendar

From BerkeleyMews

According to my chocolate advent calendar...

There are only 3 days left to Christmas.

Doing My Best

From Dinos and Comics

How are unicorns fake but giraffes are real?

What's more believable, a horse with a horn or a leopard-moose-camel with a 40 foot neck?

First And Foremost A Gentleman

From Wumo

Ever since I became an archaeologist . . .

. . . my career has been in ruins.

How To Have A Perfect Evening

From Bird and Moon

Do you hate it when people answer their own questions?

I do.

Interrupted Journey

From Speedbump

Bird Translator

From OffTheMark

I've developed a rash on my upper leg, and every time I scratch it, I hear music…

Doctor says it's spotty thigh!

D-ogling and Battraction

From The Argyle Sweater

From The Argyle Sweater

We took part in a trivia quiz last night.

We had to name three songs by Meatloaf.

We got Bat Out of Hell, and You Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth, but couldn't for the life of us think of another one.

Oh well, I suppose two out of three ain't bad.

Fashion Faux Pas

From Loose Parts

From Loose Parts

I love the way greeting cards shops cover the whole range of human emotion, from extreme happiness all the way to 'blank inside'.

Jackson Pollack - Police Sketch Artist

From Bliss

If a picture really does speak a thousand words . . .

I'm guessing it's a picture of my mother telling me who she briefly bumped into whilst she was shopping.

New Management

From Andertoons

I didn't manage to get into the College of Hypnotism because . . .

. . . I failed the entrance exam.

Goldilocks Campfire Zone

From xkcd

There was a fire drill at IKEA today…

We all assembled in the car park!

Animal Pals

From smbc

We each have only two or three minutes left to live.

Fortunately taking a breath resets the clock.

Small Safari

From Junk Drawer

I popped into a department store yesterday and I learned that make-up assistants do not like it when you climb up on the stool and ask for a tiger.

Socialising

From Reality Check

Son: "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

Me: "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

Son: "But dad, I only see two."

Habitual Criminal

From Rhymes With Orange

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

Lest We Forget

Sixteen years old when I went to the war,

To fight for a land fit for heroes,

God on my side, and a gun in my hand,

Chasing my days dawn to zero,

And I marched and I fought and I bled and I died,

And I never did get any older,

But I knew at the time that a year in the line,

Was a long enough life for a soldier.

 

We all volunteered, and we wrote dawn our names,

And we added two years to our ages,

Eager for life and ahead of the game,

Ready for history's pages,

And we brawled and we fought and we whored 'til we stood,

Ten thousand shoulder to shoulder,

A thirst for the Hun, we were food far the gun,

And that's what you are when you're soldiers.

 

I heard my friend cry, and he sank to his knees,

Coughing blood as he screamed for his mother,

And I fell by his side, and that's how we died,

Clinging like kids to each other,

And I lay in the mud and the guts and the blood,

And I wept as his body grew colder,

And I called for my mother and she never came,

Though it wasn't my fault and I wasn't to blame,

The day not half over and ten thousand slain,

And now there's nobody remembers our names,

And that's how it is for a soldier.

Jenny McPeterson and Tom

From Dustinteractive

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.

Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet!

World Famous Lingerie Model?

From JimBenton

So, here's some information you might not know.

Alan Price, the musician, is heavier than Vincent Price, the actor.

Whilst Vincent Price is heavier than Katie Price, the model.

And do you know how I know this?

I looked it up on a price comparison website.

Lost Lenses

From The Jenkins

To the person who stole my glasses. I will find you, I've got contacts.

Miss-ile

From Cyanide & Happiness

I wonder if Chinese tourists get upset when they buy a souvenir from London and then find it was made in China.

Things That Don't Turn Out Great In Photos

From Adrienne Hedger

My son is taking part in a social experiment.

He has to wear a Just Stop Oil t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far he's been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside. 

Coffee or Tea?

There are funny noises coming from my teapot.

It sounds like thunder and lightning to me.

I think it must be a storm brewing!

Course Correction

From James Breakwell

Top Tip:

Prepare your kids for office life by making them buy their own birthday cake.

Missing Chocolate

From Jonesy

"My mate has a Quality Street chocolate stuck in his windpipe."

"The purple one?"

"Yes, that's him."